Dear Cat(s),
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions, you're
still in the way.
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain YOUR food. The other
dishes are mine and contain MY food. (Please note, placing a paw print in
the middle of my plate & food does not stake a claim for it becoming your
food & dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest
way.)
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a queen size bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Look at videos of cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a
ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular stretched out to the
fullest extent possible or right in the center of the bed.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, or get your paw under the edge and try to
pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. (In
addition, I have been using the bathroom for years...feline attendance is
not mandatory.)
The proper order is kiss me, then go lick your butt. I cannot stress this
enough.
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door.....
Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:
1. They live here; you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me s/he is an adopted son/daughter who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech challenged.
Cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time,
are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't
hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about
buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion
dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.
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