Questions already answered about Australia...come up with more if you plan on going!

**QueenScoopalot** · 07-09-2005, 05:07 PM

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They
were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the
actual responses by the Website officials, who obviously have a sense of
humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV,
how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them
die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a
list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night
in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is
illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-i-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget
its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of
Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can
scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out
walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population
is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R & R, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

**Lady's Human** · 07-09-2005, 05:19 PM

ROFL

I wish I could find the computer help line log I had in my email a while ago, it's not just tourists who are dumb...

**lizbud** · 07-09-2005, 06:53 PM

Very funny. That might encourage me to visit Australia.

**catnapper** · 07-09-2005, 07:49 PM

ROTFLMBO!!! Thanks for the laugh tonight. I even made hubby come read all of those... I wish more people had a sense of humor like that!

**moosmom** · 07-10-2005, 11:46 AM

QSA,

That is HILARIOUS!!!

**QueenScoopalot** · 07-10-2005, 11:56 AM

Originally posted by Lady's Human
ROFL

I wish I could find the computer help line log I had in my email a while ago, it's not just tourists who are dumb...

This may be the one?

Hello Help Line

Help: "Help Line; may I help you?"

User: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Help: "What sort of trouble?"

User: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Help: "Went away?'

User: "They disappeared."

Help: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

User: "Nothing."

Help: "Nothing?"

User: "It's blank. It won't accept anything when I type."

Help: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

User: "How do I tell?"

Help: "Can you see the 'C:' prompt on the screen?"

User: "What's a sea-prompt?"

Help: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

User: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Help: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?'

User: "What's a monitor?"

Help: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

User: "I don't know."

Help: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

User: "Yes, I think so."

Help: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

User: "[pause] Yes, it is."

Help: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

User: "No."

Help: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

User: "[pause] Okay, here it is."

Help: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

User: "I can't reach."

Help: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

User: "No."

Help: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

User: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle. It's because it's dark."

Help: "Dark?"

User: "Yes. The office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

Help: "Well, turn on the office light then."

User: "I can't."

Help: "No? Why not?"

User: "Because there's a power outage."

Help: "A power [pause] A power outage? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

User: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Help: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

User: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Help: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

User: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

Help: "Tell them you're too [insert expletive here] stupid to own a computer."