Is it worth the fight?

[catnapper]

Something has been bothering me REALLY bad - to the point where its gotten under my skin and is driving me nuts. I want to know if its just ME or if I really have something to gripe about.

What is my major issue? Clothes and my teenaged daughter. I know, I know, its the age-old fight. From a mom's perspective: I know she's a good kid, but hanging out with the wrong crowd. Her clothes are now reflecting that. TOO TIGHT, TOO SHORT, TOO REVEALING. I mean, she is a size 6/7 pants, and wearing XS and S shirts. Lets just say sausage casings would fit looser. Yet she refuses to admit they are too tight. We fight when we have family functions about her clothes and she cries "I have nothing to wear that fits!" Then she goes shopping the following week (she works and makes her own shopping money) she buys clothes that are just as small.

At first, her dad and I let her get away with it, because the clothes DID fit -- two years ago. Now, she's even dug clothes out of the bottom of her closet that I haven't seen since she was 12, and she's wearing them at 17. Her answer to the clothes now is "I need to loose weight." Nooo.... you need to admit your body is maturing and you've now got hips, boobs, and a belly -- in other words, you've got a healthy WOMANLY figure. You need to get a Medium at the least. NOT diet to become a toothpick, you'll NEVER have a flat boyish figure. Never.

I'm serious, this is making me nuts. Its a fight I know MANY other parents fight, yet we seen to lose So before I drive myself even more nuts, please either tell me to "let it go" and kindly tell me HOW to do so, or tell me I'm right and offer me suggestions on how to turn my daughter's dress around.

PS: We were watching TLC's "What Not To Wear" a few months ago, and they had a girl JUST LIKE HER on it. The hosts were elling her politely that the clothes were waaaayyy too tight, and my daughter was LAUGHING at how ridiculous that girl looked in her tight clothes. She LOVED the new look, yet didn't see the girl on TV as herself.

[finn's mom]

I would say that it's worth part of the fight, anyway. I think as long as she doesn't dress like a prostitute, I'd maybe leave her alone as to what she wears to school and going out with her friends. But, when it comes time to go to family outings, I'd ask her to dress a bit more respectfully. Especially if you guys are the ones paying for her way during these outings, whether it be a plane ticket somewhere or dinner at a sit down restaurant. Maybe even offer to buy her a couple of things that were similar to that girl's new look you both saw on What Not To Wear. Or if she's feeling like she's fat, maybe help her eat healthier or exercise or something. I'm only going on what you were saying, I obviously don't know your daughter's physical condition. I hope it all works out for you, though. I had a friend in school, though, that seriously dressed like a hooker, and, her mom got rid of everything she had and she and her daughter compromised on new clothes. Her mom picked out clothes she liked, Casey picked out clothes she liked, and, then an unbiased sister of the mother's (casey's aunt) picked clothes that were sortof in between the two. It was extreme, but, Casey needed it. She "hated" her mother for awhile, but, I think everyone goes through that phase. It doesn't sound like you need to go to that extent, though, lucky you!

[catnapper]

LOL, thanks! My daugher is VERY fit. She swims year-round, runs cross country and track. Her body is all muscle, especially her shoulders and legs from the swimming. She has a bit of a tummy, but I think its just her shape. Its not flabby, just there. She eats as healthy as she can.

I was talking to hubby yesterday about doinating all her too-tight clothes to GoodWill yesterday! LOL. I feel she needs that drastic action to wake her up. Hubby and I feel like she DOES look like a hooker- a preppy hooker, but a hooker nonetheless. Her actions lately haven't been helping the whle dress situation - a million different boys calling, and one boy who thinks she walks on water and who treats her like a princess... she's just using him and treats him like trash. I asked the boy yesterday WHY he lets her treat him like that and he said he's used to it.

[King Spartacus]

Oh... this is a very tempting subject for mamma so, I'll let her to the key board:

Hi! Spartacus's mamma here... I can see the problem isn't just here in the UK, from reading your post. Here you'll see the young girls strutting about in mini skirts, tops that doesn't fit, with cleavage and belly showing, hipsters with g-strings showing, etc... these girls (all the way down to about age 10!) are WAY to young to be showing off this amount of flesh...

1: They are attracting attention from men who are way too old. The men aren't really to be blamed for looking, as it's all out there on a plate!

2: They look like sl*ts...

3: They look soooo much older than what they are!!!

I work with a young girl of 15 on Saturdays... she's VERY pretty, and she's got the body of a 21 year Playboy model! Last year, the girl, used to wear halter tops, and tight tops. I tried to explain to her, that she might as well just strut around in a bikini top! I explained that with a halter top she was showing off her back, her arm and her bare sholders... did she really want to show off that much flesh!?! No... she just hadn't ever though about it like that. She just saw all her friends with it, and thought it looked cool. Since then, she has wore "decent" clothes, and she looks soooo much better!!!

I still remember getting all my womanly forms, and I tried my best to hide these changes in my body, by wearing baggy clothes... nowaydays it's "cool" to show of as much of your body as possible...

You are probably the last person your daughter wants to listen to at 17... I certainly didn't listen to my mom at 17!!! Hah-hah! Maybe you should buy her some nice clothes, some that fit, and that will make her look pretty and smart. Tell her "no, you don't have to wear them... just please try them on for me!" ... and hopefully when she sees herself with them on, she'll relise that it looks so much better with something that compliments her body, than something that shows off her body!

If she has any plans on dieting, do keep a close eye on her... If she loses a kilo, it might actually make er feel a lot better about herself... but at that age it is not recommended for kids to diet, as it will often lead to eating disorders (I got anorexia at 19 myself... and overcame it at 21)...

Anyway... I shall wish you good luck! hopefully she'll one day realise she's now a woman, and dress accordingly, and hopefully she'll also learn to love the body she has!

[LKPike]

Originally posted by catnapper
Her answer to the clothes now is "I need to loose weight."

shes already hinting to thoughts about eating disorders, I think. Having an obsession with clothes that are too small are often used and worn as encouragment to miss dinner, lunch, breakfast, snack, etc so they can lose the extra 5 pounds to make the clothes a little baggier.

I'm just as guilty Bulimic at 10-12. Anoretic from 13-now.

[catnapper]

I don't know if I have to worry about an eating disorder with her - she has a healthy appetite. Last month she commented on "loosing wieght" then an hour later sliced herself a piece of chocolate cake that two people wouldn't be able to finish. I did not comment on it, because when I grew up, I had the food police watching everything I ate. I KNEW I was shoving a huge piece of cake into my mouth, I didn't need to be condemned about it. I will NOT do that to my daughter. I became a closet eater and binged when nobody was around. I want my kids to be free with what they eat, and not feel they need to hide or be guilty for it. So far, so good on that front.

I do worry that she has a bad image of herself, and her figure. And quite frankly, wearing the clothes as tight as she has been, she DOES look chunky. If she wore the clothes the right size, fit, shape, etc she would not look heavy in the least. I don't know if she's comparing herself to the way she USED to look (before boobs and hips sprouted) or if she's comparing herself to her classmates - half of whom have to have some sort of eating disorder. Then again, I look at the two "best friends" and those girls ARE a bit heavy, and both girls dress to small for their size as well.

I've never gone through this. I always accepted my body for what it was - good, bad, and indifferent. I never dressed too tight, too loose. I wear what fits and flatters. Sometimes I am accused of dressing too boring, but thats not the point. I dress for my size, and according to what looks best on me. I avoid certain colors, certain necklines, certain shapes. So its confounding me that she's doing this! It seems so logical to wear clothes that fit comfortably and what is going to make you look best, instead of uncomfortable too-tight things that make you look your worst.

[caseysmom]

All I can say is "I feel your pain". Shopping trips for clothes are straight out of hell...I feel like it is a constant compromise on my part. My daughter has always been built like she is much older and she says I have different standards for my other daughter...well I may because she isn't developed yet.

I can't wait till the teen years are over...I am so bad ...my daughter has lots of boys calling and sometimes I think "I wish she was a little uglier"...isn't that awful!!!

[mina'smomma]

Kim,

This is a very worthy fight. I wish I had listen to my Mom when I was in your daughter's shoes. Instead I ended up with two different eating disorders and now have my health in shambles. I was just like your daughter being very active, but because the kids around me were very thin I felt fat. I'll have to find the pictures from my high school days. I look terrible. I was 6'0" and weighed about 120 lbs.

Do what you have to do. I wish my mom had pulled drastic measures. Please don't let her become another me.

Let her know there is a big difference between being "Fit" and being "Fat" Being fit you might be bigger than the other girls, but you're all muscle with enough fat to keep your energy up. Being Fat is just having flab everywhere and not being able to be that active.

If there is anything I can do let me know ok?

Renae

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

It sure is worth fighting for! I like the idea of buying her something, asking her to just try it to please you, and hoping she will like what she sees!
I think I am a very lucky mom here. My daughter is turning 16 next Sunday, and she knows perfectly how to dress. She doesn't overdo things, has great colour-taste, it is great! Never any discussions about clothing with her. Isn't that just great? At school she is admired by all the girls for her good taste!

Oops, didn't mean to make you jealous...

[catland]

Maybe a better comprimise would be for her to pick the style and for you to pick the size.

Here's another idea - let her pick out the outfit and size, and then you buy the identical thing for her the next size up. Take both sets home - let her try on both, take pictures, and show her how the bigger size actually makes her look smaller and fitter. Then return the one you don't want.

Also, to help get rid of the really old stuff - make a new family rule that if someone gets something new, something old goes to charity.

[caseysmom]

Originally posted by Maya & Inka's mommy
It sure is worth fighting for! I like the idea of buying her something, asking her to just try it to please you, and hoping she will like what she sees!
I think I am a very lucky mom here. My daughter is turning 16 next Sunday, and she knows perfectly how to dress. She doesn't overdo things, has great colour-taste, it is great! Never any discussions about clothing with her. Isn't that just great? At school she is admired by all the girls for her good taste!

Oops, didn't mean to make you jealous...

I have one of those too! I have two daughters...one of each!

[catnapper]

Thanks again guys! I forgot to comment on the idea of buying her nice things, I HAVE. And they still have the tags on them, never worn. Meanwhile, I have a second daughter just the opposite. She always dresses nicely. Once in a while, you have to wonder what she's wearning, but its usually something her sister encouraged her to wear.

[wolfsoul]

The more you discourage her from wearing those clothes, the more she will want to wear them, I'll bet. One thing a teenager never listens to is the mother's perspective. What you need to do is find someone else's perspective. When my mom tells me that I look stupid, I will wear it. When a friend or another family member tells me I look stupid, it hurts my feelings and I will never wear it again. Does she have an aunt or someone that you can urge to comment to your daughter about her clothing? Just get her to say "Those clothes look like they were made for a child." I wouldn't say that the clothes look too tight on her, or too small, or that she is too heavy for them -- that will just make her feel fat. It's better to say that the clothes look like they are designed for someone much younger. Another thing teens don't like to hear -- anything that has to do with them being childish in any way.

[Fox-Gal]

Worth the fight.

wolfsoul was right about her not listening to a mom. Mom's are old and don't know anything in the mind of a 16/17 year old.
Find someone who you know she admires, for her taste in clothes, ask that person if she could help. Maybe give her some money to buy your daughter an outfit and help pick it out.

Also I like the picture idea, with one little added thing, don't tell her that's what your doing, trying to "show" her. Once she knows your trying to "show" her, she will disagree, just to prove you wrong. Just snap a picture of her one day, wearing an outfit, that makes her look bad/fat. Later, get her one outfit, that you know will make her look good. Just make sure it's still in her style. don't want to change her wear to drastic. Ask her her to just put it on for you, just to see, she can take it off later, snap the picture. Later, later have both pictures out and let her see them, on her own. Without thinking you where involved in it. Who knows she might just see the difference that way.

Ok, this idea is not from me, but my sister-in-law had the same problem. Even though at the time I didn't agree with her, this is what she did.
She posted two different pictures of her daughter, with different names, different outfits (one mom got, one daughter got) on one of those rate the person sites. After some time mom showed her the site and the different ratings. Mom's outfit, had better comments. The picture with the daughters outfit, got comments, but not the kind a girl wants to hear. Most of them where crude sexually remarks. Kat, now dress more mom's way. Still crop tops, etc etc, but at least they fit and she looks so much better. It took other teens, to show her how bad she really looked. I just telling you what she said........not my idea! But in her case, things had gotten really out of hand, so my sister-in-law was at the point, where she had it.

Oh and the goodwill idea.....like it. She'll be mad, but she will get over it, in time.

[lizbud]

In a word, no. If the only big problem is trying to influence your
daughter 's choice of clothes, then I'd let her choose her style.
(Within reason) & grin & bare it. Take lots of pics to show her later
on when she has her own kids.

I'd save my parental perogatives for more serious stuff. IMO.