Should I be Guilty

**Andie** · 01-18-2005, 04:07 PM

I thought when you became an adult you weren't suppose to have these problems anymore.

My family has always been close (kinda hard not to be when you all live within 5 miles of one another) we have our fights but all is usually forgiven within a month or two. I think that's because there was always someone to bring us all together again. For years that person was Grandpa and after he died it was me.

There is a fight between my mother and my aunt that is currently on going since Easter of last year. It's a long story about the fight but I have long ago stopped trying to deal with their childishness (is that a word?) and now it's eating at me that I failed to stop the fight.

Dustin has gotten a job as a correctional officer at the prison in Jefferson City (4 hr drive away) and began looking for a house for us. He has offered to transfer to the prison down here so I could be closer to my family. He said, "that way your family is happy."
But I'm tired of trying to make them happy, I want to do something to make me happy. I think getting away from this fight would make me happy. I feel guilty though like I'm abandoning my family and now they are totally gonna fall apart. Should I be guilty for letting myself try and be happy for a little while, while my family isn't?

**RICHARD** · 01-18-2005, 04:11 PM

Originally posted by Andie
Should I be guilty for letting myself try and be happy for a little while, while my family isn't?

Do you like being a caretaker, baby sitter, fireman, psychologist
or fence mender....

Take a short leave of abscence..

Sometimes it's easier to have a 'cut out' person....

Not having you there MAY force them to get along.

**Queen of Poop** · 01-18-2005, 04:18 PM

Take this opportunity to step back and see if they can resolve their differences. Perhaps this is one thing that is unresolvable. Or perhaps they should look at how miserable they are and everyone else and put aside the issue.

**Puppy_Love4** · 01-18-2005, 04:19 PM

Y should you feel guilty I mean you are grown and you have ur own happiness (sp) to worry about

I would say go and be happy

**Karen** · 01-18-2005, 04:19 PM

You need to take time for yourself. Maybe a brief written letter to your aunt and your mother, and then don't worry about it. Explain that they have made their choice, and if they cannot mend their differences, you cannot do it for them. They both need to - pardon the expression - grow up. Their daddy isn't around to stop them squabbling, and it is not your fault.

In fact, not only should you not feel guilty, you should make it a rule that either of them can contact you, but you aill hang up the phone if either brings up the feud, or each other. Declare yourself a neutral zone. You'll sleep better!

(This is what my Dad did with one set of his relatives when I was a kid. It was their loss (those who wanted to continue a feud at all costs), and not his at all. He feels that way to this day.)

**NoahsMommy** · 01-18-2005, 05:12 PM

The only person that assigned you as peacekeeper was yourself. I mean that gently.

I'd move. Its time for you to worry about YOU, YOUR HUBBY and your collective happiness.

**GraciesMommy** · 01-18-2005, 06:32 PM

Agree..move on.....I moved 500 miles away...much happier, even tho I miss them and don't get to see them but every 3 months or so...still better being a little farther apart..

**NoahsMommy** · 01-18-2005, 06:45 PM

Originally posted by NoahsMommy
The only person that assigned you as peacekeeper was yourself. I mean that gently.

I hope that wasn't too harsh. I'm a die hard Dr. Laura listener/fan and I agree with a lot of what she says about creating our own problems and letting feelings get in the way. I've learned from her and feel so much better emotionally.

Kelly

**Corinna** · 01-18-2005, 07:05 PM

Live your life not theirs. Move and let them come to you. We moved here to Montana to get away form some family fued. Works great they come visit and don't try to get us on "their side"

**CalliesMom** · 01-18-2005, 07:20 PM

Moving was one of the greatest decisions I could have ever made. My husband and I are able to live our lives with relatively little input from others unless asked and that makes me very

**kuhio98** · 01-19-2005, 01:40 PM

Originally posted by GraciesMommy
Agree..move on.....I moved 500 miles away...much happier, even tho I miss them and don't get to see them but every 3 months or so...still better being a little farther apart..

I did the same and it was a great decision. That way, when we do get together it is a special occasion and I'm not involved in the day-to-day bickering that goes on. What did Eleanor Roosevelt say? Something to the effect that people can only take advantage of you with your permission.

Also, I'm not sure I understand the title. Should I be Guilty??
Do you mean, Should I Feel Guilty? If that's it, the answer is NO. You shouldn't feel guilty. And No, you're not guilty of anything. Now, you'll probably get homesick once in a while and feel like you need to be back home, but a couple of hours of bickering and finger pointing etc. will remind you why you need to take a step back. They will figure out their own problems.

**mina'smomma** · 01-19-2005, 02:55 PM

Originally posted by Andie
But I'm tired of trying to make them happy, I want to do something to make me happy. I think getting away from this fight would make me happy. I feel guilty though like I'm abandoning my family and now they are totally gonna fall apart. Should I be guilty for letting myself try and be happy for a little while, while my family isn't?

Andie,

I know this story all too well. I've been in the very shoes you are treading in right now. Only thing is that it was my education and making my FATHER happy not me. I've spent the last six years persuing a degree in Business to satisfy him instead of what I really wanted to do. I also was dating Marines that he deemed worthy of his daughter, and they were all jerks. I'm paying for it now. I finish my Business degree in May of this year, but I don't have the satisfaction that I want. Instead I'm spending another six years going back to school to become what I've always wanted to be. An RN. I regret not making myself happy for the past six years. Please don't make the same mistake. Do what you think is best for YOU and no one else. I fortunately don't have to marry a Marine that I could never love. I'm instead marry someone who has my heart and my happiness in his best interest. My LeeRoy.

**moosmom** · 01-20-2005, 09:50 AM

Andie,

You are NOT responsible for making your family happy. Just make yourself happy. That's what matters.

Whatever problems members of your family have with one another are THEIR problems. I learned a LOOOOOOONG time ago that it's their choice to be angry at each other.

My brother and father didn't speak for over 15 years. I never knew why. But, I can tell you this. When my Dad passed away 8 years ago, neither one of them had STILL spoken to each other. I believe it's something my brother will regret for the rest of his life.

Life is WAY too short to hold grudges. We're not in this life forever.

**Tubby & Peanut's Mom** · 01-20-2005, 10:04 AM

Should I be guilty for letting myself try and be happy for a little while, while my family isn't?

Simply put - no! You need to live your life. If you don't do this because you feel you need to take care of your family, you will start to resent them for holding you back, and that can only cause more problems down the line for you and your family.

Go. You can always come back.