Posted by Judith on 12/10/2004, 10:03 am
I first wrote and posted this three years ago, but thought I'd share
again...
In writing this year’s holiday cards, I have observed something most
extraordinary: most of you do not have enough cats! One? Two? Three? Four?
Knock me over with a hairball, that’s like eating one potato chip.
I suddenly realized that all you DHEC (Don’t Have Enough Cats) people must
be unaware of the benefits of adding multiple cats to your households.
Shamefully, some of us, including myself, Linda, Lisaviolet, Ann, KTW, Sandy
S., Maryellen (and, every year’s honorable mention, Pammers, who insists
that no, really, this is the last one) have been negligent in sharing
information about the divine secrets of the NUTS (Not Until Ten, Stop)
sisterhood.
First, you should know that according to the latest medical surveys,
cleaning 6-10 litter boxes twice daily will reduce LDL cholesterol more
effectively than 3 weekly gym workouts and Lipitor combined. Faster results
occur when adding the high effective “hairball removal from carpet”exercise
including leg lifts. Best of all, these results can be achieved while
wearing ratty sweats and no make-up instead of having to look at all those
younger, thinner, fitter women at the gym who have more money than you and
drive a BMW.
Having at least six cats sleep on you (one on each extremity of feet and
hands) plus one at the neck and one on your head, has proven to produce
thermal BTU’s equal to energy savings of $842 annually. With ten cats
(doubling up on head and neck with two at your armpits), energy savings can
equal $1,007 a year! But, wait! There’s more!
Research shows that feeding, petting, brushing and playing with a minimum of
ten cats daily will not only significantly reduce blood pressure but also
the amount of time you have available to do housework or cook. The end
result? Throw away that Zoloft because you won’t care if your house is a
mess and all your family eats is frozen pizza and Pop Tarts.
Another valuable, little known benefit of having many cats, especially when
they shed and drool, is that annoying house guests and your persnickety
in-laws will no longer want to visit (see above note on Zoloft). I, for
example, have not seen my cousin, who used my house as a weekly B&B, since
telling her a feral was living under the guest room bed.
You may also become a celebrity in your community! Neighbors (especially if
you also make offerings to the gods in an interesting cat outfit in your
backyard) will be awestruck, speaking of you in hushed tones. Imagine the
joy of no longer having to hold inane conversations with complete strangers
who will give you a wide berth at the mailbox, during block parties and at
association meetings.
While cats should never be looked upon as an incentive for achieving fame,
you will also enjoy the adulation of the entire staff of your veterinary
clinic and, sometimes, fruit baskets at the holidays from the manager of
your local Petsmart.
Having many cats also inspires the creative muses!You will find immense
satisfaction in redecorating. Good-bye old Aubusson rugs, silk tasseled
curtains and dust-gathering collections of Sevres! Instead enjoy the fun of
shopping and the lasting beauty of Pergo, the carefree maintenance of
ceramic tile, the exciting new look of linoleum, and exquisite choices in
non-textured fabrics (snag-proof! washable!).
You will also awaken previously untapped artistic expression in the artful
arrangement of litter boxes, dishes, bowls, cat trees, fur mousies, turbo
scratchers, alpine climbers, feather wands, rubber ballies, catnip toys and
adorable little sheepskin-lined beds (now available in a choice of red,
black or blue French toile at catownersaresuckers.com. Louis XV canopy bed
frame, $299, optional).
So my people who Don’t Have Enough Cats, go forth and seek the path to
enlightenment (strewn with shredded toilet paper) that leads to the magic
grail of petfinder.com. You’ll be thinner, richer, healthier and happier for
it :-)
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Finally! Validation that I am NOT nuts, quite the contrary, just practical! Who needs to pay the outrageous price of antidepressants when a simple session of purr therapy will do the same trick? Who needs to slave in the kitchen when the family will eat a frozen pizza anyway? 
I thought it was all perfectly true and practical advice. Am I pathetic
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