Dear Pets,
1. When I say, "move," it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way. The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.)
2. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
3. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curled up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. (I also know that sticking tails straight out, with tongues hanging out the other end, to maximize space, is just sarcasm.).
4. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
5. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the door and try to pull it open. I must exit through the same door I entered. (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years...hence, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)
6. The proper order is kiss me -- then go smell the other dog's or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you. To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door:
Rules for visiting Non-pet owners who like to complain:
1. Our pets live here...you don't.
2. If you don't want their fur on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pets better than I like most people.
4. To you they're animals. To me, they are adopted children who are short, furry, walk on all fours and are speech challenged. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a zillion dollars for college and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.
Pass this on to your pet loving friends, as well as those who aren't. It's too cute not to share!
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