How to Know Whether You are Ready to Have Kids:
How to Know Whether You are Ready to Have Kids:
MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house.
Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen.
Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug.
Fill halfway with water.
Suspend from the ceiling with a cord.
Start the jug swinging.
Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane.
Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand.
Soak it thoroughly in water.
At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m.
Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m.
Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a
dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m.
Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years.
Look cheerful.
INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use
only scotch tape and a piece of foil.
Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs.
Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon.
Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
Get a dime.
Stick it into the cassette player.
Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies.
Mash them into the back seat.
Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
There, perfect.
PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes.
Leave it there for 9 months.
Now remove 10 of the beans.
And try not to notice your closet full of clothes.
You won't be wearing them for a while.
PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store.
Set your wallet on the counter.
Ask the clerk to help himself.
Now proceed to the nearest food store.
Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store.
Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child.
Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners.
Suggest many ways they can improve.
Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild.
Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
"We give dogs the time we can spare, the space we can spare and the love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made" - M. Facklam
"We are raised to honor all the wrong explorers and discoverers - thieves planting flags, murderers carrying crosses. Let us at last praise the colonizers of dreams."- P.S. Beagle
"All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, A light from the shadows shall spring; Renewed shall be blade that was broken, The crownless again shall be king." - J.R.R. Tolkien
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