I will not.....(so funny!)

[DogLover9501]

I will not target the most expensive cheese in the platter for eating.


I will not eat the soap.


I will not eat my human's plants.


I am a dog, not a cow; grass is not food.


Mommy can have her own food without feeding me.


I will not drink out of the toilet right after it's used until Mom flushes it.


I will not levitate loaves of bread, pans of brownies, bowls of soup, and other edible things off the kitchen counters.


I will not climb up on the dining table when no one's looking and eat out of the serving bowls.


Just because the human is smaller than me, I cannot have its food. .


I will not lick or steal raw chicken from the grill while Daddy is not looking.


I will not crawl up on the table and eat only the meat (leaving the veggies, of course) on my family's plates.


I will wipe my butt on the grass, not on the carpet. They're both green, but I know the difference.


I will not drool onto the dinner table or my Mom's plate.


I will not spray my Mom anymore when I have a huge sneeze.


Drooling on guests is not a social skill.


I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.


I do not need to immediately find Mommy and give her all kinds of kisses when I have just had a drink from my favorite water bowl in the bathroom.


I will not shake my head, causing large gobs of dog slime to land on people's bodies/papers from work/food.


Mom and Dad know I appreciate them. I do not need to thank them after my meal by placing my food-water-and-drool-covered chin in their laps.


I will not try to smell my human's visitors' private parts.


I will not tear off at 80 mph every time I catch a new smell to track, especially when my human is holding my leash.


I will not take off while on leash to chase squirrels while Mommy is standing on a slippery grass slope.


I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.


I will not leave balls on the stairs.


Whenever someone comes to visit, I will not jump up on the car door and leave pretty claw-marks on the shiny paint .


I will not pull the plug on/turn off/reset the computer/Sega while a human is trying to do work/play a game.


Just because I hear Mommy or Daddy's car doesn't mean I have to scream at the top of my lungs.


Mommy doesn't have to hold me in her arms so I can see, too, when Mommy is talking to someone/cleaning the aquarium/doing the ironing/working on the computer.


Squirrels are not burglars. I do not need to bark when they are on the lawn.


I will not chase the ducks, especially when they are swimming across the lake.


The neighbour's cat is NOT a rag doll. . .


We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.


I will not bark at the dog (in the aquarium; floating outside the window; in the oven). It is just my reflection.


Freezing nights are not good time to play in the backyard with Mommy. I have a fur coat, Mommy doesn't.


I will watch where I am going, so that I will stop running into small, but very hard, trees.


Squeaky toys are not spooky or dangerous and I should not be afraid of them.


I will not get so excited when I see a treat that I do every trick I know whether my master asked for it or not.


I will not do 90 mph laps around all the living room furniture when people are sitting on it.


Raindrops are not my enemy and I can go outside to relieve myself without barking at them when they are present.


I do not need to be dominant over the vacuum cleaner.


The dogs on TV are not real. . .


I will not throw myself against the windshield trying to chase the big truck in front of us.


I will not stick my head into a lit candle, thereby curling my mouth whiskers and eyebrows.


I will not throw my chewbone into the air so it lands on my head with a KER-THUMP and makes me bark at it. .


The trashcan with the step on foot will bite my head.


I will not stand in the corner between a half-open door and the wall whining to be let out.


I will not crawl under the bed, get stuck, then whimper pathetically till somebody comes to find me.


Baths are fun and relaxing....


Being outside for any other reason than doing my business really is all right.


I will not crowd my human in bed.


I will stop playing dead when lying in the middle of the bed and will move when Mom and Dad want in.


I will quit hogging all the pillows.


I will leave room in the bed for Dad.


I can go to sleep without having my rope and my ball and my bone in bed with me and the humans.


The vet is my friend.


I will only do my "someone's out there" bark when there really is someone at the door.


When the humans leave without me, attacking the front window is not the way to get them to notice I'm upset.


I do not have to meet EVERYONE.


I will quit attacking Mom, who is just minding her own business, when Dad is the one teasing me.


My human's toes should not be in the socks I choose to chew on.


I will not kiss Mommy when she is scolding me.


I will not herd my humans out of the hallway and into one room so I can watch all of them at once. .


I will not drop my human's pager in the toilet, even if he told me to 'drop it'.


Mommy can take a shower without having my rope/ball/bone with her.


Just because that mini human offers food to me doesn't always mean I should take it.


I will not lick pudding/ice cream off the kids' faces.


Every child in the world does not need for me to wash his/her face.


I will notice small humans are not just other dogs and will not try to exert my dominance on them.


I will not jump up on my human when he/she gets home from work and is wearing nice clothes.


I will not jump up on my human with my muddy paws after running through a mud puddle.


I will not make big splashes in mud puddles when heeling beside my human.


I will not eat off the ends of my human's shoelaces.


I will not run around the house with my human's stuffed animals.


I will not open the kitchen cabinets.


I will not unwrap all the Christmas presents while Mommy and Daddy are away at work.


I will not pull the tablecloth off the table to make the food more accessible on the floor.


I will not jump all over the mattress that is being made up with my muddy feet.


Even though it hisses, the garden hose is not a snake, and so does not need to be chewed every six inches along its length to keep it from attacking me.


I will not send my full food dish for a ride down the staircase.


I will not help Mommy by digging up all those tasty bulbs she buried for me.


I will not sneak into the garden and dig up the shrubs Mommy has just planted.


I will not jump in the car to go for a ride when Mommy and Daddy are already running late and ready to leave.


I will not sneak up and steal napkins off the laps of humans while they are eating.


I will not play tag around the dining room table after I have found a "treasure" (underwear, socks, tissues or other "stuff" from the trash, kitchen towels, school projects, money, etc.), when Mommy is trying to catch me.


Mommy knows her way around the house all by herself. She doesn't need me to herd her into the shower, into the bedroom, back into the bathroom, and into the kitchen every morning.


The sofa is not a face towel.


Mommy is not a salt lick.


My head does not belong in the refrigerator.


The balls on the Christmas tree are not dog balls.


All things within my reach are NOT my toys; anything not within my reach but I can jump and get is also NOT my toy.


Being groomed and combed is fun. Really.


Moaning while getting a bath will not speed up the process.


Mom and Dad don't need to get soaked just because I am getting a bath.

[trayi52]

Oh my god that is just hilarious,
I will not tear off at 80 mph every time I catch a new smell to track, especially when my human is holding my leash. I know that feeling, Dana my Rottweiler done me that way, nothing like boucining across the yard with you hand caught in the collar while trying to hold the big giant back!

And I will not lick pudding/ice cream off the kids' faces, well that is one quick way to get your grandchildrens faces clean. LOL

These are great! I am going to copy and send this to my friends and family, they will love them. Thanks so much for sharing!!!

These should be framed, I have seen a lot of stuff on the Internet, but this is the first time I have seen this one, and it is the greatest of them all!

Willie

[DogLover9501]

I know that feeling, Dana my Rottweiler done me that way, nothing like boucining across the yard with you hand caught in the collar while trying to hold the big giant back!

LOL Never happened to me yet...Jasper's still small

I'd love to here more about Dana, I love rotties, (I love boxers too..of course, but loved rotties first) I would have got one, but my parents are scared of them lol, bad experience....but thats only one, anyway I'll get one when I move out

[trayi52]

Funny but my Rottweiler has never growled at anybody in her life and she is now about 2 years old, or older. She seems to just love everybody. She doesn't even bark at people, she barks at wild animals and that is it.

When somebody comes she runs out wagging her tail to them whether she know them or not! If they sit down on the couch, the big lug is trying to crawl into their laps. She is so big, but yet thinks she fits perfectly into everybodys lap!

The one time she drug me like I was talking about, was there were some of my daughter friends over on July 4th and they were shooting off fireworks and she is very scared of fireworks, I thought I would just take her collar and hold her to keep her from running and hiding. That didn't work, because I got my hand stuck in the collar and she just took me along with her! So there I am bouncing along trying to make everybody believe I meant to do this. Yeah right, I meant to bounce through the yard stuck to a Rottweilers collar.

Willie

[apcrs5122]

LOL!!! So cute!

[DogLover9501]

LOL omg I could not stop laughing, picturing someone bouncing around the yard attatched to a rottie

lol she sounds like a sweet heart, I would have no problem with her jumping into my lap

[Twisterdog]

I do not need to be dominant over the vacuum cleaner.

That would be Basil.

I will only do my "someone's out there" bark when there really is someone at the door.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

That would be ALL my dogs.

[Lixx]

LOL! Those were great!

I am a dog, not a cow; grass is not food.

Dante is obsessed with grass! Even under the snow, he has to find it!

I will not get so excited when I see a treat that I do every trick I know whether my master asked for it or not.

When Dante finally learned to "spin" That's all he would do! No matter what I said!

[sabies]

So true except Sadie runs from the vacuum - she has accepted its dominance over her.

[clara4457]

Originally posted by DogLover9501
I do not need to be dominant over the vacuum cleaner.


I will not throw myself against the windshield trying to chase the big truck in front of us.

I will not stand in the corner between a half-open door and the wall whining to be let out.

This is Leo

Originally posted by DogLover9501
I will not crowd my human in bed.


I will stop playing dead when lying in the middle of the bed and will move when Mom and Dad want in.

...and Penny Lane

[Tonya]

I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.

Whenever someone comes to visit, I will not jump up on the car door and leave pretty claw-marks on the shiny paint .

Just because that mini human offers food to me doesn't always mean I should take it.

LMAO! Those especially apply at my house.

[K9soul]

Those are cute. The ones about the ball/rope/bone taken everywhere certainly apply to Tommy

[G.P.girl]

LMAO!!! i imagained a golden retriever doing all that!!i couldn't stop laughing while i was reading it