When family attacks/elder care and sibs rant.

[RICHARD]

I am effing crazy at the moment.

I have 3 brothers and 2 sisters that are not one whit of help to me or to the situation that confronts us.

Through out the years there have been times when I have wanted to slap every single one especially now.

My SIL is probably the one that I can count on the most-and that is a sad statement because of the size of my family.

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Problems? I am second in line-I have an older sister-then three brothers and a younger sister.

Here's the setup.

I moved back home a few years back after I was out on my own for a while.
MY parents were always O.K. about the offspring 'coming home' or helping them when we needed it.

While I was working I bought groceries, cooked and helped out with expenses.
Fair exchange? Maybe not, but I'd try to help them out best as I could. I also did home repair and other stuff around the pad.

When my dad got sick he had dementia, needed dialysis and when he started to lose circulation to his foot, wound care.

My brothers carted my dad to and from his treatments, I did the wound care and cooked for him and my mom.

Eventually my dad lost his foot and passed away a few weeks later in a home.,

Here's one of my biggest burrs under my saddle.

MY effing sister. She's a nurse, married to a cop. She's about as useful as a urinal in a convent. Humor me! PLEASE! In all the time my dad needed care she was nowhere to be seen, If she was able to talk to my mom about her problems there would not have been the need for us to be in the situation we are currently in.

I have been trying to roust the troops and get some help for the situation.
Everyone 'wants' to help and no one wants to do anything.

When my mom went to the hospital my sister went on vacation two days afterwards-for two weeks! She never called the house to find out what was going on.

THis is not unusual for her. Before her and my mom stopped talking she'd calll her up and say, "want to go to lunch/shop/???? I'll pick you up at 11." I'd trip into the house and my mom was ready to go, purse in lap. I'd ask her where she was going and she'd tell me about her date.


My sister would never show up, call or bother to give her an excuse.

My poor mom would wait, then just kinda give up and be peeved about the whole thing.

MY sis is also under the impression that my mom told her that she was not to call or visit her.

Having spent many, many hours talking to Ma about things I learned about the person that not one, but both my sisters are.
When my nephew, her son, got into problems with his wife and was trying to get custody of his son, my sister 'got involved' and came to my mom for lawyer money. Mom told me that it was for a few thousand bucks, but the "grapevine' says it was for more than 5 grand. My mom told me that the reason that she never came around is for that fact-my sis promised to pay her back, then she harrassed the lawyer about the job she was doing.
The lawyer told her that in order for her to keep on the case she wanted money up front. I know my sister and know that no amount of money could convince me to even talk to her on the phone.

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There is more drama than you can imagine. When she finally called me up -after her vacation - she stated the she'd do anything to help out. I asked her for some support and you't thought that I had asked her to give me all her worldly belongings. MY younger sister had taken advantage of my dad and mom to the tune of MORE MONEY THAN I WANT TO EVEN KNOW ABOUT.

My brother and older sister got involved in this and this has gotten to the point of yelling and screaming matches. I am the bad guy because I am her 'advocate' for her care. I don't have any kind of power past that point. Everyone is yelling and screaming at me about losing the house because of the outstanding bills. Both the houses are bought and paid for, so that is one good thing about this whole mess.

I have been accused of dragging my feet and not caring about the finances.

I pray to god that things we a bit different and I didn't have to deal with all these AH's.
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I am not perfect and my parents did help me out by letting me live here. THe thing that ticks me off is their pompous attitudes. They have never asked about how they can help with making phone calls, offering to take over a few tasks to help or inquired about what kind of care my mom will get now or in the near future.

The only thing they care about is the bills and who is going to be in charge.

I need to take a breath.

[Karen]

Oh Richard, that's why we have friends - they are the "elective family" rather than the one you were born into.

Take a few deep breaths, stop over to Thurdsays and have a huge slushie and chill for a while.

When your blood pressure has settled back down, is there a way you could make a typed list of specifics like phone calls, rides, whatever, that the others could assist with that don't cost money, and circulate it to everyone? Just so they can not say you're all about the money, and never gave them a chance to help out with "the little things ..."

And if they all still blow you off, ask Eddie for help? At least he can provide distractions like the reappearance of Lake Edward around 2 a.m. ...

[RICHARD]

part two.

After my older sis ran mom's credit reports she gave the note to my brother and my brother -who cannot stand my younger sister- came to my house and started to scream at me about what "I was going to do about the bills!"

I told him I could pull out the money from an excretory orifice and pay them off and that proceeded to make him tell louder.....You don't care! You aren't doing anything about it!

Every money problem is attributed, in his mind to my little sister. Another snake in the grass, So he accuses me of standing by and letting my little sister
take over the houses and putting him and I out into the streets.,

Besides the close quarter fighting, every day I hear about people(family) who are taking forms for my mom to fill out, detectives visiting the facility where my mom is staying to check out why my mom waited for care...more drama than an afternoon soap opera,

After the fight where I was accused of not 'doing anything' I called my older sister to ask her why she told my mom about the bills and why she gave the numbers to my younger brother. I didn't bother to tell her that she might have talked to me before she presented the numbers to my mom-when I gave her my mom's social security number I hoped that she'd do that part and get back to me.

NOPE. She went ahead straight to my mom's bedside to tell her about the bills and how much they were and god know what else.

She stopped last friday and wanted to talk to me. I invited her into the yard and the house and she declined. She then stood at the gate and told me-
She'd make sure that the houses went -whoosh-making a motion meaning that they would be sold and both me and my brother would be "out".

I told her to step up and start to care for mom-That I had done my turn and I was tired.

She replied that if "Mom has to come home, I'll take her to my house!"

She then accused me of being drunk and told me that she knew that I had "beat up mom" because mom had told her.


Dude,
I almost went out there and kicked the living shiat out of her. I didn't make a scene but i stayed in the yard and told her that she had some balls to make a statement like that.

Later she told my brother and SIL that she said that to get me mad.


It's alway been my contention that mom was first, money was later. No one wants to accept that fact. When she said that she'd take care of getting a lawyer i was surprised. She then gave the contact info to my SIL so she could make arrangements.

We consulted a lawyer today and he gave us the price, half now, half later.
My brother blew up when he began to spend some of the money that will come into the household at the first of the month and I told him to wait and see what my dear old sister would do to help.

When I called her to explain what was going to do to help she just kept saying, "O.K., O.K." I explained to her that she did say that she'd get the lawyer and that I was asking for her her help because she offered it. She hesitated then had to say "EVERYONE has to help!" I again told her that I wasn't working and I could hear the gears grinding where she was trying to figure out where reverse was.

UH, she neglected to tell me that she was going on vacation again with her AH husband, the former cop and king of all he surveys.....He was the reason that my sister borrowed money from my mom to give to my nephew. It wasn't his kid so he wasn't going to help with that mess.


ANother breath!?!

[RICHARD]

LOL, I am jumping around here-
I forgot to mention that the tenuous situation between my younger sis and bro are the result of him always blaming everything on her.

During the convo I had with sis about the bills I mentioned to her that we should wait and see before we blamed anything on anyone. I told her it might be mom's bills, a credit fraud or indeed, my younger sister.

She blew up at me and said that I was on D's side about this. My sisters aren't the best people on the planet but I'd like to afford them the benefit of a doubt. I have always tried to do that and I was roundly castigated for it.

At the gate when she came over I did make it a point to mention that the only things that her and my brother were interested in was the money and not mom's health. She didn't do jack to help out with the arrangements or gave me a call during the time she was on vacation.

I also mentioned that her vacations were more important that her mother was.

That sent her into a tizzy and she announced that she wasn't going to stand there and listen to me.........The truth has a way to make your knees buckle and head spin, no?

Ugh, i know that there are many more miles to travel on this road and know that I do have the patience to make it thru. It's the way that people act that supremely puzzles me.


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On the way home today I did smack my brother on the back of the head because he made a statement to me.

He said, 'We always have to do things your way because you are perfect!'

I told him that it was better than having to go back and do them again. I understand what we are all going thru at the moment. He's just as hurt and confused as everyone else...But, I just don't understand why I have to be everyone's punching bag....


LOL, I didn't mention my other brother and how he almost had an aneurysm because the hospital would not tell him about mom's transfer.

I can't be making phones calls to everyone about what they need to do or ask them for favors. They all have wives/husbands that screen the calls, think that they should have input or a say in what happend,

I welcome their help and guidance, but they figure that the few good things they did a few years ago should cover them from extending a helping hand today. So, that covers them on the road of good intentions.



I am holding auditions for a new family soon!

[kuhio98]

Richard ~ I'm so sorry. The last thing your Mom needs right now is to see how fractured the family has become. I know you've tried to protect your Mom as much as possible. I could just kick your sister for going to her and bothering her with this right now.

Is there an elder care/advocacy program that could advise you? I know nothing about this kind of thing, but I was wondering if an unpartial, thirdy party would be best to handle this for you. I'm sure it would cost something, but you could turn over all that crap to them. Let them field the nasty phone calls, etc. While you spend quality time with your Mom.

[joycenalex]

richard, this sucks, big time. i will be praying for you and your mom.

[RICHARD]

richard, this sucks, big time. i will be praying for you and your mom.

Pray for her, restrain me?

You know, The only thing I want is to have my mom have quality time.

Things will work out in the end and it kills me to have to put up with this.

Example?
I didn't score any points when I started to tell everyone not to approach me with third hand stories.

They go like this, "I heard D went to see mom with some papers for her to sign..." So my reply to them is not what the story is, but who told you, I want to know about it and talk to them......I am trying to figure out who is talking smack and who can I can believe.

When I ask and get the 'someone told me' answer, I tell them not to bother to tell me because it's effing BS and drama. That got me the "You don't want to hear about it" accusation. IF I acted on every story that I have heard in the past month, I'd be in a nuthouse.

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When my sister told me that she'd take her into her home I knew that was a giant crock of crap. Later on when my brother told me about her accusation of abusing my mom, we agreed it would be a cold day on hell when she and her husband would take my mom into her home.

As in her taking mom to 'lunch', helping with the lawyer and taking my mom into her home, I want everyone to hear what she said. She's a great orator,
But, a lousy person.

Another of the arguements that I had with my brother was about the legal aspects and costs. He wants to pay for it all, I am of the mind that dear old sis offered and I plan on pursuing that aspect.

As mean as this sounds, I want her to put on the shoes and lace them up. She was very adamant of 'doing whatever was needed'.

She'll do what she needs to do to look good and not have anything weigh on her conscience. She'll gracefully back out of the 'deal' and leave us to worry about things.
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IT is my family and this probably sounds really strange- I love them and would do anything for them - but those feelings will be hard to rally if and when I have to pull them out of my back pocket.


I am sorry for venting in such a venomous way towards my kin, But they don't
have any respect for me and what I am doing for mom. I'm not a martyr, or the perfect son-I do have my moments where I feel have to laugh at the stupidity and actions the I witness.

The worst part about is having to look back at what has happened, and what will happen and having to measure people against that time and their actions.

[joycenalex]

richard, does your mom have a designated medical power of attorney, and a will in place, and all the other legal papers? it will make things better for all the heirs if you've told us this, i apologize, i can't recall.

[Medusa]

More unsolicited advice from a third party, Richard: look into a guardian ad litem. This person can act as an advocate for your mom and her care. It doesn't give her/him complete control but s/he is trained in this type of situation and it could help your mom (and you) immensely. Also, is it possible to call a powwow w/your family, to make a list of subjects that need to be addressed and handled immediately and then ask who would be willing and/or able to help w/them?

Your statement that Mom comes first and the money second is right on the mark IMO. That's always been my philosophy and where your focus should stay. That will help you through the madness. I'm sure that it would grieve your Mom to know that her family is divided at a time when she needs unity more than ever. However, I'm equally as sure that she knows the personalities involved and she's aware of how they conduct themselves, especially under pressure or during the hard times, so it probably would come as no surprise to her that the family is behaving in such a manner. You've certainly done well by coming to PT to vent. Lots of encouragement can be found here and, once in a while, a good idea or two. You are loved, mister.

[RICHARD]

richard, does your mom have a designated medical power of attorney, and a will in place, and all the other legal papers? it will make things better for all the heirs if you've told us this, i apologize, i can't recall.

Nope.

This is the reason for all the hassle.

Ugh, my mom is pretty stubborn and goes by the old adage. "If you don't talk about it, you won't need it/it won't happen"

There is a rather long back story that involves my sisters and two brothers. Dad was of the idea that you hustled to make a living, mom, not so much.
They made light of mom's loose purse strings.
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The social worker at the hospital inquired about her will and such. I spoke to her about things way before all of this and she was not very receptive. I was usually met with the Why?/No one is getting anything!/and other not-to-nice arguements.

At the hospital, not the place for such decisions, four of us were present. The youngest sis and three brothers. Ma said that my older sis and I be put in charge- I suggested that my other brother assist me -my older sis being on vacation and being so involved with mom that she hadn't talked to her in three years! THe two youngest vetoed that idea!

I can't make any decisions about her long term care because she refuses to cooperate with me.

There is another side to this that I can't figure out.

IT's her attitude towards me. I know that she is scared and hurting. She says things that really sting. I know that I was the closet child to her for the last five years and am the easiest target for her, it's not fun and I really dislike it.
IT's also not fun to have to put up with everyone thinking that I am trying to control the finances and her care.

Instead of being more involved with things, everyone can't be bothered and get pi$$ed off when I make a decision or try to get a concensus going.

This won't stop after she passes, IT will further fracture the family and I will be stuck defending myself and the decisions I have to make.

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One last thing about the BIL and SILs.

My youngest brothers wife took me to task about gettting everyone together and sharing information. When he shows up at the house has yet to sit down and talk to my me about mom.

The day that she was transferred from the hospital to the home, he called me, furious that she was being moved and they would not release any info to him about the move.

during the past month we spoke once about her and it was a rather limited conversation because our nephew and his pal were present.

His wife got all over my arse about not talking to him about what is going on-
so again, I am the problem because I won't call and give out info.

In the past I have given out my email address for my brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews to keep in contact and I have ended with two emails in the past 7 years.

Example?
Little brother will come over and talk about attending an event-he says that he took a ton of pictures. I tell him, send me some give him my email addy and never see anything.

I have asked for email addresses from him and my older sister and have yet to get one. And as you may suspect I love to write and don't mind getting mail.

As it is, my older sister is nothing but a paranoid old hag. Because she is one of the Suzie Orman effing clones she doesn't give out any info.

When I asked for an email address she didn't remember it. The lawyer asked for everyone's social security number, I told her this and she flipped out and said she would give it to him! I have called her about 5 times in the past five years and many before that- You either get a phone that rings 12-15 times, her robot husband who says, she's not there, is asleep or can't come to the phone. He won't take a message, call back later. I tried to call her a few days ago and the phone rang and rang. When she called back she was irritated that I didn't leave a message.

I told her that her phone machine was probably out and she got mad at me and said that I misdialed, twice. I have never, ever got a phone machine when I called her house. If she has a cell phone she hasn't volunteered a number and wouldn't give it to me anyway.

So, with all the drama they never do anything wrong, it's me.

And with her gone for two out of the four weeks while mom was in the hospital/home I just don't see any reason for her to be involved with any decision making.

It totally sucks.

[anna_66]

Richard, I feel your pain.

Mark and I went through pretty much the same thing with Mark's mom. It sucks the life out of you doesn't it?
I don't understand why everyone is just worried about money and what's good for them and not the person (your mom) who's in need....GREED of course

I'll be saying prayers that things calm down for you.

[Pam]

Richard I am so sorry you are going through this. As if it isn't hard enough to see your mom failing in front of your eyes, you have to deal with these family members. I have pretty much carried the ball with my mother's situation. I only have one brother and he was busy tending to his wife who had cancer for several years before she passed and was happy for me to take over. I know that the problems you are going through are pretty common though. We can choose our friends but we can't choose our families.

[sasvermont]

Richard, I feel your pain. I have been responsible for my Mom for years. I won't go in to the details beyond the fact that I know it is stressful, at best.

My Mom is now in an assisted living situation and it is much easier on me and much better for her. I know that everyone thinks it's better to be at home, with "loved ones" when you are older, but that is not always the best arrangement. My Mom has great care now and is constantly around caretakers and other older ladies. When she was at home with me, I went to work each day, leaving her alone and then would struggle to take care of her needs in the evening.

I did get the local agency on aging involved with my Mom since if something happened to me, she would be on her own! The process was filled with copies of documents, and they must be updated each year. I am her advocate and no longer her caretaker...... I have the power to write checks out of her bank to pay for her care etc. There is not much left over after all her bills for care and medications, but that's all she needs at this point.

I know it may seem like this is never ending....I still feel this way from time to time. I didn't sign up for this, but that is the way life is sometimes.

You are not alone with this struggle if you get some help with her. There are a few agency in nearly every community. They see cases like yours and your Mom's, all the time.

I have an older sister who has her own struggles these days, and she wants absolutely nothing to do with my Mom. So it all rests on my shoulders.

The caretakers often comment about my Mom and how nice she is ..... and it makes me feel guilty about having her there. Deep down in my heart, I know she is safer and more socialized in the assisted living place.

Good luck. Chin up. Ask for help from the agencies, if you can.

Fondly,
SAS

[moosmom]

I feel your pain, big guy. I got stuck caring for my Dad who drank 24/7 and keeping a job as a paralegal. It's tough. I have one brother. I called him many times after he told me to call him if I needed anything. Those were only words and that's all he ever gave me were words. I did everything for my father for 2 1/2 years. I was as resentful of him as you are to your siblings, RICHARD. If you ever feel like talking, I'll email you with my cellphone. I've got a new plan where I can call anywhere, anytime and talk for as long as I want.

[RICHARD]

Thanks to you all, Please, please please do not hesitate to comment.

IT's nice to know that there are people who have fought the same battles. It is not a 'brotherhood' that there is any medals, ceremonies, plaque awarded or someone that will pat you on the back at the end and say, "Good Job, Bucky!"

I know that what ever happens, I can say that I did my best and have no regrets. My only problem was/is expecting my sibs to 'man up'.

My dad had a saying, "Yo conosco me gente" -"I know my people" and it rings so true at the moment.

I am doomed either way. It would not help to set up meetings with my brothers and sisters. They will not/do not care.

IF I were passing out checks or money? DIfferent story.

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The one thing that I have had with my mom is quality time, that is the reason that I am in better shape than I thought I was in.

When I lost my job-in Sept of 06-I took some time to reflect. I put aside all the frivolous things in my life and started to live! I knew that time with my mom was important and put that as one of the things that I wanted to do-not for any specific reason, but to enjoy and live for once.

Ma jokes that it was like being married. We fought, laughed, argued and made up. I'd go home after a fight to come back a few hours later, LOL, Ed would go to the door and scream to go to her house. Who am I do deny him a simple pleasure? She'd say. "Are you back?" and we'd laugh and carry on.

Again, I am not the perfect person and didn't look to endear myself to her for any special reason or gain. It wasn't a job or labor. It's just the way things are to me.

I have shared many good times and secrets with my mom. We'd talk for hours and I know things about my sibs that would make them mad-and I know the reasons why they act that way toward my mom.

One of the saddest things about all the time we spent together was her lament about "having two daughters who don't give a shiat".

What did she want from them? A visit? A phone call or dropping off a lunch without the attached, "Oh did you hear about" or "I need money!". Mom lamented the fact that they never lifted a finger or made any attempt to come over and do anything for her.

MY SIL asked me about why I had such animosity towards my sis and I was thinking back about all she has said and done.

My sis got private school until her last year of high school, her nursing school paid for, and my parents bought a house and let her and her hubby live rent free for years! When there were repairs needed, they called my parents to fix them and never offered to pick up the costs....I do blame my parents for that-sis was daddy's girl, and could do no wrong.

I got her a job at the hospital where I worked, she took a position at the emergency desk and later quit because there wasn't enough action there. She went back years later and ended up always pushing other people's wrong buttons.

And now that I have unloaded on you poor folks, I thought about why I do not have a good relationship with her.

Since high school my sis has always been at odds with people. She has always either been threatened, about to be jumped/assaulted or paranoid about something.

When she went back to work at the facility where I first got her a job, she would call me to find out if I knew certain people who worked there. She was having problems with them and had to get an escort to her car at night. She finally transferred to another facility where she at odds, again, with people that I knew. She'd call me to find out what she could about them and I finally told her that she should just plain quit.

Another point of contention was the facility where I worked. There were always rumors about the place closing, not being fit after the 94 earthquake and all kinds of other whisperings in the air. She'd call me and say, "I heard they were closing Panorama City!" I'd laugh at her and say that I would believe it when I saw it in writing. That was her attempt at trying to say that she knew more about my job than I did. Plus I think she was jealous that I put in so many years at one facility and was known and liked by so many people. She always mention that she talked to a person, asked if they knew me and they would tell her stories of the hijinks and times I had worked with them.

Today, PC has been retrofitted and is has a new 40 million dollar facility attached to it.
So much for her rumors and gossip.
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I don't know how much a regular psych would cost me, but I am appreciative that you guys are listening and supportive. I really appreciate it.

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Thanks for all the suggestions about outside help. If the situation were a little different I'd go for it.

I am hesitant to do so for the fact that if my sister will make statements about me hitting my mom. What would/could she say in front of strangers?

She also accused me of drinking too much. I love my spirits but this is a real test of who I am and facing reality straight.

To tell you the truth, I could really stand to sit down and get rocked off my ever loving arse. But, that won't do me any good. Maybe in the past I would have considered it, but I don't have that luxury now, not that it's an option-I just have to be able to think with a clear head.

That, and I have to deal with vindictive, nasty people who do not have a bit of common sense.

My goal is to make it through whatever happens and not have any doubts, regrets or second thoughts.

I can and do wake up in the morning and am able to look in the mirror without any problems. I pray that my sibs can do the same.


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I also want to thank everyone that has offered me the "phone a friend" option, I will use them eventually but am paranoid to get on the phone for any length of time.