The countdown begins...

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

Well everyone, I think I mentioned in my other thread that Jay's revocation hearing is on March 20th. (For those of you who might have missed my thread, see it here. Please read at least the first post of that thread before you read any of this, it might get confusing, )



Anyway, like I said, his hearing is 14 days from today -- on Thursday, March 20th. They will either:

• revoke his probation completely, and send him BACK to prison (PRISON, not jail) to serve the 4 (or so) years that he DIDN'T serve of his previous 12-year sentence.
• just give him a good slap on the wrist and set him back into the world on probation, exactly like it was before.

I'm leaving for Jamaica on the 21st of March. The day after.
(Still waiting for the word on whether or not I'll have to go to the hearing -- keep your fingers crossed that I won't.)

But anyway... I'm torn. Part of me wants him to go to jail -- I tell myself I never want to see him again, he deserves what he gets...

But the other part of me wants him to be released on probation. He has a child, his mom and stepdad love him... he's already missed out on his son's birthday. He's been in jail since the beginning of January... hasn't he done his time for something as minor as not telling his PO about me?

I don't know. I know that if he does get released, I might slip back into my old ways... visiting him, etc. I won't date him again, I promise I won't -- but I just don't know what I'll do if he does get released.

Anyway. The countdown begins.




14 days.

[gemini9961]

Stay away from him.

[pitc9]

Stay away from him.

I agree 100%

Please....

[Laura's Babies]

He is not and has not been who you thought he was. You will never know the REAL person he is. You talk like you still "love" him but who is it that you love (he does not exsist)? He will change to be what/who he needs to be at the moment, to get through that moment. You could not ever trust him, it is his nature to lie and manipulate and he has taken advantage of your trust and who you are.

The first thing you have to do it to love YOURSELF and realize your own worth. You have to be your own best friend and treat that friend with the love and respect she deserves. Never settle for less, second best or someone who will lie and manipluate you... YOU deserve BETTER!

WHO you are is not who is on your arm or holding your hand! That is not what makes you, YOU! You may not be the prettiest flower in the boquet but you are still a flower and still need to bloom fully. He will not give you the nourishment you need to fully bloom but will try to stop that and will someday crush that flower to keep it from blooming. Be the flower you can be and get out of that toxic water!

[Catty1]

Whatever you have as a calendar marking the days, tear it up and get on with your own life.

It seems like you determine your life by what men or boys are in it or not in it - or the drama that goes on with them. (They aren't writing the script - you are).

Obsession isn't love - it's just obsession. And obsessing over males won't replace your dad...it won't fix it or make you 'win.'

Find a group, a counsellor, a way to build yourself up. Some people lose their dads, moms, both when they are a baby, or 5 years old. And some people drive themselves crazy to replace what they never had. And it makes them sick and doesn't work.

Given what you have said about your mom, please call or look up Al-Anon on the internet.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/pdf/S20.pdf

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/alateen.html

And check this link out - even before you look at the others.

http://www.kidsturncentral.com/topic...es/divorce.htm

[kuhio98]

If you're not asking for advice, read no further.









My advice would be to take control of your life. You make the decisions about the people you choose into your life.

He has demonstrated to you over and over who he is. He has proven to be an untrustworthy person. A liar. A cheat. A user of people. A person who makes bad choices when under stress. How many times does he need to hit you over the head with it before you accept it?

You can't change him or fix him. That is his responsibility.

Please ask yourself, why you would even consider letting a person like that take more more of your time and energy. Are you that lonely? That desperate for attention? That needy that you would rather be mistreated than be alone?

The reason I ask, is that is how I was. I hooked up with loser after loser and wasted a lot of time. Cried an ocean of tears. Made myself miserable. I didn't even realize that there was a fantastic man watching all my crap and drama. He really liked me, but he said he had to wonder if he was wrong about me because I obviously didn't think much of myself if I chose to surround myself with such losers. I picked these losers so that I could feel better about myself. I thought I could fix them and then wouldn't that prove I was great? All it proved is that I was a slow learner.

Once I kicked all the drama to the curb and spent a year or so getting to know myself, this wonderful man entered my life. If I had kept the losers in my life, I would have missed out on all these years of happiness.

So, turn the page. Close the book. Learn from that experience. Learn how not to repeat it. When you find yourself keeping secrets from your friends and loved ones, it is an indication that you know deep down that the situation is wrong.

No harm. No foul. Just learn and don't repeat the pattern. And don't worry about him. He'll have no problem finding another wonderful woman to lie and cheat with. She too will end up sadder and wiser.

[CountryWolf07]

If you're not asking for advice, read no further.









My advice would be to take control of your life. You make the decisions about the people you choose into your life.

He has demonstrated to you over and over who he is. He has proven to be an untrustworthy person. A liar. A cheat. A user of people. A person who makes bad choices when under stress. How many times does he need to hit you over the head with it before you accept it?

You can't change him or fix him. That is his responsibility.

Please ask yourself, why you would even consider letting a person like that take more more of your time and energy. Are you that lonely? That desperate for attention? That needy that you would rather be mistreated than be alone?

The reason I ask, is that is how I was. I hooked up with loser after loser and wasted a lot of time. Cried an ocean of tears. Made myself miserable. I didn't even realize that there was a fantastic man watching all my crap and drama. He really liked me, but he said he had to wonder if he was wrong about me because I obviously didn't think much of myself if I chose to surround myself with such losers. I picked these losers so that I could feel better about myself. I thought I could fix them and then wouldn't that prove I was great? All it proved is that I was a slow learner.

Once I kicked all the drama to the curb and spent a year or so getting to know myself, this wonderful man entered my life. If I had kept the losers in my life, I would have missed out on all these years of happiness.

So, turn the page. Close the book. Learn from that experience. Learn how not to repeat it. When you find yourself keeping secrets from your friends and loved ones, it is an indication that you know deep down that the situation is wrong.

No harm. No foul. Just learn and don't repeat the pattern. And don't worry about him. He'll have no problem finding another wonderful woman to lie and cheat with. She too will end up sadder and wiser.

I 100% agree with every word she has said. Please listen & stay away. You do not need him at all. Be strong.

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

I'm not really sure how to go about this.

The past week I have done exactly what I KNOW I shouldn't have -- this whole thing has been consuming me.

The part that gets me is that he has changed, so dramatically. Like I said, I've known him for over a year, and I have seen the changes within him since then.

I know his mom well. She is an amazing person, as is his aunt, stepdad, etc. I've met quite a few of his family members; his wonderful cousin Jessie, his uncle, his aunts and his friends. His mom has taken me under her wing. She calls me quite a bit to check up on me and let me know what's going on. Maybe she's the reason I can't quit let go. Yet.

It's hard to explain how I feel about this whole situation. You have to understand that you guys are only hearing the bad end of this story. No one hears the good side; the time we spent together, the doctors appointments I went to with him for his knee surgery, etc.

I guess what I'm asking for here is some understanding. People change. I know he screwed up, majorly. That was many years ago. My best friend's dad beat his wife repeatedly when we were kids. He went to jail for a while, and has been living a happy life since then. He is a completely different person. You'd never guess he went to jail for domestic violence.

I just want some closure, if anything. I want to seriously sit down and talk to him and know exactly what's going on. Maybe he'll lie, maybe he won't. Maybe I'm in denial by thinking he won't. Fact of the matter is, he was with his last girlfriend for 3 years before they broke up. Long story short, he proposed and she got cold feet and backed out. I've met her. She's beautiful and a very nice person. She had nothing bad to say.

I don't know what kind of response I'm going to get from this post. Hopefully a little understanding. This is closure for me. I will not date him again. Never. Maybe we can maintain a friendship. I just want him to get on with his life and I want to get on with my own.

Comments?

[jackie]

You are not hanging on to him because you like his mom and family, or because you want closure. It is because you want attention plain and simple.

What does it matter about his past relationships or how your friends dad changed his life? You are obsessing over a guy when really you should be moving on.

It may sound harsh, but you really need to get a spine and respect yourself.

[Laura's Babies]

Of coarse he has changed! That is what he does best! He changes for every situation as needed. You mentioned he went to jail for domestic violence? WOW! I use to run the other way when a guy had a histroy of that, I wanted nothing to do with a man that had that in his past. As young as I was when I was first married, I learned I wanted NO part of a man like that and I ran like hell and never looked back. IF he has indeed changed, let someone else tell you about that years from now, you simply do not need anyone like that in your life if you want to be happy. It IS your furture and you are going to do what you want so I am just going to advise you to think with your head and not your heart!

[Catty1]

My best friend's dad beat his wife repeatedly when we were kids. He went to jail for a while, and has been living a happy life since then. He is a completely different person. You'd never guess he went to jail for domestic violence.

Laura, just to clarify - it's not him that Abby is talking about - it's a friend's father.

AG - I don't think it matters one whit what his family is like, or what they are doing, or what he is doing.

What I see you doing is rationalizing - I've done it a lot - your post is full of "yabbuts"..."yeah, but his mom..." "yeah, but my best friend's dad"..."yeah but I have seen changes in him"...etc.

This is a way of trying to justify what you are feeling, and what he is doing.

You don't love him - he doesn't love you. OBSESSION is OBSESSION - it is not love. (ignore the love songs on the iPod and radio, unless it's a rerun of Houston's "The Greatest Love Of All". THAT'S a song you need to take to heart.)

Tell his mom you need a time out for a while. And will you PLEASE see someone about counselling? Go back to those links I posted for you and REALLY read them.

You didn't date his mom, uncle, or anyone else. Drop it. And get professional help if you can't.

[RobiLee]

If you're not asking for advice, read no further.









My advice would be to take control of your life. You make the decisions about the people you choose into your life.

He has demonstrated to you over and over who he is. He has proven to be an untrustworthy person. A liar. A cheat. A user of people. A person who makes bad choices when under stress. How many times does he need to hit you over the head with it before you accept it?

You can't change him or fix him. That is his responsibility.

Please ask yourself, why you would even consider letting a person like that take more more of your time and energy. Are you that lonely? That desperate for attention? That needy that you would rather be mistreated than be alone?

The reason I ask, is that is how I was. I hooked up with loser after loser and wasted a lot of time. Cried an ocean of tears. Made myself miserable. I didn't even realize that there was a fantastic man watching all my crap and drama. He really liked me, but he said he had to wonder if he was wrong about me because I obviously didn't think much of myself if I chose to surround myself with such losers. I picked these losers so that I could feel better about myself. I thought I could fix them and then wouldn't that prove I was great? All it proved is that I was a slow learner.

Once I kicked all the drama to the curb and spent a year or so getting to know myself, this wonderful man entered my life. If I had kept the losers in my life, I would have missed out on all these years of happiness.

So, turn the page. Close the book. Learn from that experience. Learn how not to repeat it. When you find yourself keeping secrets from your friends and loved ones, it is an indication that you know deep down that the situation is wrong.

No harm. No foul. Just learn and don't repeat the pattern. And don't worry about him. He'll have no problem finding another wonderful woman to lie and cheat with. She too will end up sadder and wiser.

Even after your second post Kuhio98's post is your best advice. Please, please read it over and over again until it gets through to you. I only wish I would have listen to such advice a year ago. I'm working real hard at it now. You can do it also.

"Turn the page. Close the book." I love that!

[kuhio98]

You are not hanging on to him because you like his mom and family, or because you want closure. It is because you want attention plain and simple.

I agree. And you're addicted to the drama.
He's the PERFECT guy for you... With him in your life, you'll never have to get your own life. You'll be so busy working on his problems, you'll never have time to have your own friends. You'll be watching his every move. Second guessing his every word. Looking for signs that he's slipped back into his old ways. Going through his wallet, cell phone, computer to see if he's been doing somethng he shouldn't be. Following him in your car to see if he's really going where he said he was going. Dying a little every time you catch him in a lie. You'll find yourself doing things you never thought you'd do. Every time you think this is the worst, you'll find yourself sinking to a new low. Then, when you finally wise up and realize you can't save him from himself (because he doesn't want to be saved -- or he found 3 other naive girls to "save" him) you'll realize that you've spend all your time and energy on a person who didn't deserve it. You'll be alone with no friends or family for support because you pushed them away over the years when they showed love and concern for you -- but you felt that they were judging him. This isn't about him. This is about you needing to be needed. Like I told my sister (after she broke up with her heroin-addicted boyfriend to marry an alcoholic)... If you want to be a social worker, at least get paid for it.

He has told you exactly who he is. He is a liar, a cheat who makes very poor decisions. Why do you keep ignoring that? You've had closure. You sound like you just want to open the whole mess up again.

You're turning this whole thing into a Shakespearean tragedy. The poor, misunderstood and misguided hero and the wonderful woman who changed his life with love and understanding. Never gonna happen. In reality, everyone will be wondering why such a nice girl ended up with a loser like that and laughing at you behind your back.

[Freedom]

(For those of you who might have missed my thread, see it here)

Go back and read your first post in that prior thread.

Then read and re-read Kuhio's post.

Do not talk with his mom or any of his family members any more. For goodness sakes, after all that has happened, them being so often in touch with you says to ME that they are part of all this mess!

Make a clean cut off, a complete break.

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

I've taken what everyone's said to heart, to some extent.

On the way to work, I kept going, "Two days. Two days." Then I thought of you guys, and said to myself, "You're better than that."

And it worked. Everytime I thought of him, I'd go, "You're better than this, knock it off." And it was a relatively good day, despite the fact that most of my dogs were naughty at work.

I know. I know, I know, I know. I'll say it; you're all right.

I'm consumed. I don't want him, I want to feel needed. I just need time. Time heals all wounds, right?

You're right, you're right, YOU'RE RIGHT! Pet Talk is always right.

I do have to admit, I'm curious to see what happens with the hearing. All I want to know is the outcome -- that's it. And if he gets out, I promise ALL OF YOU that I won't see him.

I'm better than that.


Thanks for opening my eyes. Hopefully it lasts.