I read this on a website and had to save it because as I read it I laughed so hard my sides split open. Only because I now know that my cat too is a free loader. ENJOY!
Seriously, my cat is taking advantage of me. I had to pay a special visit to PetCo earlier today for more cat food. Pet Co’s honest slogan should be "It's where your money goes." I'm more than a little ticked off that my cat expects me to provide him with cat food that costs $10.49 (before taxes) per 3.5 lb bag. He turns his nose to any cheap stuff I've ever brought home and he sees right through my lies. "Oh the store was out of your regular brand, but the clerk there told me that Brand X is actually the SAME food as your regular brand." Yes, I lied to my cat, and he saw right through the BS. That coupled with the vet's recommendation that the expensive stuff is better for the cat has convinced my wife that we (I) should only buy the special food. I tried to convince both my wife and my cat that the cat doesn't have very refined taste buds. I mean, he eats flies, bugs and licks his ass in lieu of toilet paper. That and the fact that he, (the cat), contributes nothing financially to the house. He's a friggin' cat; he shouldn't get a household vote.
Ok, the cat is now reading over my shoulder. One moment please? I think he suspects something.
Okay, so the cat also doesn't seem to care about anything I'm doing. I'll be reading the paper, and he'll plop his cat's ass dead center of the page and look at me as if I've gotten in his way. Or maybe I'm stealing a few moments of silence in the bathroom when all of a sudden there's a furry arm being jammed under the door. Are you kidding me? Give me a minute. You don't even **** in here anyway. Next time you do that I'm going to duct tape your little arm to the linoleum. Maybe you'd let me crap in peace then.
Darn it, he's back. He just had to remind me that he's shedding and that I should brush him.
Okay where was I, flies, ass licking, duct taping, brushing, bathroom door banging... Oh yeah, so this cat eats better than I do. I'm too lazy to do the math, but I'd guess that the food I just put in his dish cost more than my lunch today. My lunch didn't even come with gravy, but it was chicken flavored. Discussing MY eating habits are for another time though.
Oh jeez... he's staring at me now. Not really at me, but past me at the window behind me. I just know he wants me to think there's something or someone outside the window, but I'm not going to play that game. I will win this grudge match. I'm going to stare back at him 'til he blinks. Apparently that's supposed to be a sign of my dominance. He doesn't play fairly though, because his eyes just got wide and he did a little crouch thing. Maybe there IS someone outside the window behind me! NO, don't think that. He's bluffing. Blink!, you damn cat. Ha, he looked away. I win, I win, I win. Play it cool, no need to gloat.
Okay, now that I think about it, I believe my cat is a bully as well. He just messes with me every chance he gets. This cat must get off knowing that I'm his personal servant and he can throw up on the carpeting or piss over the side of his litter box and I'll have to clean it up. Perhaps it's retribution for cutting his claws off or having his nuts cut. Whatever it is, I'm no longer a cat owner, I am the one who's owned.
People used to believe that cats caused insanity. I think they may have been on to something.
Author Unknown……..
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12/02
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