Disorder in the American Courts - excerpts

[Catty1]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,
and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken
down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of
staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
-------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in
his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th.?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Duh ....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed
on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did
you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy on him!
_ _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

[borzoimom]

Good Grief.. Lollllllllll..

[mike001]

Never laughed so hard in my life!!

[Laura's Babies]

I especially loved that last one!

[borzoimom]

"ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in
his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?"

[Zippy]

LOL!
I was reading some of those in a book yesterday.

[Zippy]

here are some not listed:Court transquips
______________________________
Q:Why do you handle the family finances?
A:Becasue my mom and sister ain't that bright
______________________________
Q:
Doctor as a result of your examination of the plaintiff is the young lady pregnant?
A:The young lady is pregnant but not as a result of my examination
_________________________________________-
Q:do you remember the context in which your husband brought the issue up?
A:Not really.I try not to listen when he talks

[Zippy]

One of my favorites
judge to defendant:You have the right to trail by jury,but you may waive that right.What do you wish to do?
Defendant: (hesiates)
Lawyer to defendant:Waive
Defendant:waves at the judge

[Husky_mom]

oooo.......LMAO...........still LMAO..............more LMAO.............

thank God I was not present there when those conversations took place, or I would´ve peed myself..........just too funny not to laugh

[Twisterdog]

Wow. Too bad ignorance isn't painful, eh?

[RedHedd]

That's why I LOVE the practice of law!

[Pam]

These are very funny, although I doubt very original as I received the same thing in an e-mail with a different slant. The e-mail said they were statements made by doctors in their routine dictation. As you can see, many of them are medical in nature.

Nevertheless I still got a good laugh out of them, true happenings or not.

[dukedogsmom]

These are so funny! Here's one I found

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue Lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?