Would this upset you?

[Lobodeb]

Here's the skinny.

My husband doesn't drive. Never has, probably never will. No reason other than choice (and spoiled and laziness if you ask me).

So, I just celebrated my birthday a couple of weeks ago. I woke up in the morning to a birthday card by my purse (he leaves much earlier than I do). It was all nice and mushy, etc.

I get to work, I have flowers and balloons on my desk waiting for me. No, not from him, from some co-workers. E-mails and cards are sent to me, they take me out to lunch, it was a very nice day. Oh, by the way, I hadn't heard from the hubby all day.

I get home, he asks how my day was. I told him how generous my co-workers were. He asks about the flowers, I describe them. I asked if they were the only flowers I received. Yes. He asks if I'm sure. YES. He said, "that's weird, because I had some sent to you just like those. Are you sure they didn't just take off my card and put their names on it." After a long phone call with FTD, the flowers he bought me arrived after I left. Nice.

Come on! Who does that?

Then, we were going to go out for dinner. But, by the time I got home, got the baby ready and finally got out, it was around 8 PM. My husband has to be at work by 5 AM. He couldn't keep his eyes open. I suggested we do the dinner another night. We get home, he tells me "sorry I couldn't get you anything, but my cousin couldn't take me to the store today."

Today? You just tried to get me something today? He has access to all of Chicago's down town, and the internet and he relies on his cousin to take him shopping the day of my birthday? Oh, I forgot to add that his reason for not getting me any Christmas gifts last year was the same, that his cousin couldn't take him. I was 9 months pregnant and found my fat a$$ to the store, but he couldn't get a ride.

Now, let me also add that we've been having A LOT of problems lately, so he can't do a lot of things right as it is. AND, I'm a bit spoiled.

He went the next day and got me a DVD and a pair of head phones for my iPod and some tickets to see a dance group. My feeling was too little too late.

I got him an ESPN phone for his birthday. His birthday was 1 month after Hugito was born. So here I am, post-op, getting the baby dressed to go out in the dead of Chicago winter to spend the equivalent of a car payment on a cell phone with a baby in tow, and I get a DVD and head phones.

He wonders why I'm upset.

Am I wrong to be so upset?

[caseysmom]

I have been married for 25 years and hubby just isn't good at that stuff, It took me about 18 years to quit getting mad about it.

Sounds like he did leave you a card and he tried to send flowers, sounds like the florist screwed up.

Sorry but most men don't think how we do, that just the way they are built. Not all men so men don't be offended. Women are nurturing and think ahead, we are wired different.

[Husky_mom]

my thoughts also, men (not all again) are not made to remember important stuff like that, some wouldn´t even remember their own bdays if their mother/wife didn´t reminded them........

as said he seemed to have the decency of getting you a card and some late flowers (again florist mistake) but still he sended you some........nice gesture

but still, I believe he shouldn´t rely on his cousin to get you something, you are not his cousins wife!!.......as you said you walked whereever pregnant and/or just recently op........just to get HIM a present, he SHOULD´ve thought of that gesture of yours and get his butt walking to get you a NICE thing, no matter if you are spoiled or not, you give what you receive and you honey.........are not receiving what you gave.......

and i know some times you just dont have the $$ to splurge as you might want to, but still make a memorable moment out of the day, I myself have posponed some dinner times and all, and I also have went shopping the very same day, but only if I just was too busy or haven´t found something that fullfilled my expectations, or even said I didn´t get you anything cause there was nothing I liked, but if you like something i´ll get it for you..........so there are no excuses for not getting you somethign on your bday, I know it´s not good to be materialistic (I´m not) but you expect to get something nice when thats all you´ve been doing (it´s nice to get spolied on bdays/anniversaries)

I read from some PTer , just can´t remember whom (LOL sorry) you can get something nice and add a thank you note to HIS credit card statement LOL...... that way he won´t need his cousin to get you something........

[moosmom]

Caseysmom is right, some men are just not programmed to think that far ahead.

At least he got you something, as late as it might be. It's not worth arguing over or staying mad at him for.

[Glacier]

If I expected Stuart to remember things like my birthday, I'd be choked. However, I got sick of being ticked off when he forgot. He has trouble even remembering what day it is, he is always off by a day or two. I can't remember the last time I got a card from him for any occasion!

So instead of getting mad at him, I take his Visa card (we don't have a joint card so the bill goes solely to him. I have my own card that I pay.) and buy myself whatever I want for my birthday and Christmas. Then I tell him about it later! I got a lovely ring for my b-day this year! His card has purchased my entire Kiefer Sutherland/24 DVD collection! It would be nice if he remembered, but it's never going to happen so this works out for both of us.

Stuart is a good husband in other ways--faithful, trustworthy, hardworking, ect, ect....The gift battle just didn't seem like one worth fighting about.

It sounds like you have bigger issues in your marriage than just that he messed up on your birthday. Maybe this was just the last straw that ticked you off??

[Karen]

Every guy is different. My birthday is impossible for Paul to miss, as it is the day after his mother's and my father's birthday, so we spend time prior to it discussing what to get them. And Paul is always more prepared for these things than I, too.

My dad? Dad is hopeless at these things. He remembers that my birthday is right next to his - just forgets which side it's on! And the rest of my siblings? Nah! If asked, he knows the month, and year - close enough, right? One year, for Christmas, his neighbor bought a calendar for him, then called me and wrote down all the birthdays of the family on the calendar for him. That was the one year he got everyone right! We know he loves us, that's what matters. Birthdays were always Ma's responsibility - and now we know why!

[Lady's Human]

The SOLE reason I remember Jen's birthday is that it's on July 5th. Otherwise I would either forever be in the doghouse, or she would learn to deal with it.

I get my siblings' birthdays wrong, I know the month, that's about it, and I can remember the kids' birthdays every once in a while. It's not neglect, it's not that I don't love them, it just is.

Don't sweat the small stuff, there are enough major problems that come with life. No need to create more.

[Vela]

Well really it's not his fault that the flowers were late, most people procrastinate gift buying so really that's not something to be offended about, he did put a card in your purse, and he did buy you some nice gifts when he was able to go get them. I think you should be grateful your husband does those things at all, most don't, and if he didn't drive before and that was okay with you, it's not something you can get mad about now. I know this may not be the popular thing to say, but I think it's nice he even remembered....many don't try at ALL.

[moosmom]

LH,

Don't sweat the small stuff, there are enough major problems that come with life. No need to create more.

AMEN brother!!!

[IRescue452]

He sent you flowers and remembered your birthday, to me that would be great. My mom used to forget my birthday when I was a kid. I'd cry myself to sleep thinking about how much my mom doesn't care about me. So anything to me is better than nothing.
But it sounds like your being upset is more because of a slump in your relationship than about the presents.

[mugsy]

Interestingly enough, I think that he was nice enough to get you some nice gifts, but, my husband thinks you have the right to be upset! lol

We have agreed that we don't buy gifts because we are strapped for money and I don't want to feel guilty about spending or receiving. My birthday is on Thursday of this week and Mike agreed to take a class with me, so that's my present and it will cost us $18. My thought is that I am happy just being able to spend time together with him and the dogs.

And like Lady's Human, I say, don't sweat the small stuff and while my husband can irritate the snot out of me, I have come to the conclusion that getting upset over "stupid" stuff just isn't worth it...and not worth fighting or putting my marriage in jeopardy.

And it is true that most men are not as sentimental as women. Although, Mike remembers the day we met...not just the first date....

[lizbud]

Well, I don't know your husband, but I do reject the idea that all men
are like that, so just deal with it. I would be hurt if that were my husband. It's all of matter of consideration & knowing how much some things
mean to the person they love.They live together, they should know each
others feelings on what's important to their other half. Just my opinion.

[Lobodeb]

Thanks for your comments everyone.

First of all, yes, we are having problems so this could be the tip of the iceburg. Second of all, this isn't about the amount he spent on gifts, but the thought behind them. Third, in the past, he's always been very thoughtful about birthdays, mom's day, valentine's day even easter! He once got mad at me because I didn't wish him a happy Sweetest Day! I never even heard of the day before then.

[catnapper]

My birthday this year? I got a free meal at our favorite restaurant.... and I paid for HIS meal! I didn't get a card. I did get a silly birthday serenade in the morning. Then that was it. His birthday is 10 days after mine so he basically got the same thing that he gave me. Of course our finances are pretty awful right now so there's not much we CAN give each other, but even when we did have some cash in the bank, birthdays, anniversaries, etc were all alike. At Christmas he runs out and gets me the same thing: a new Charles Dickens house for my collection and maybe something else... like last year I wanted a jacket that was on sale. I handed him a slip of paper with the size, color, and location of it in the store. I was soooo surprised when I opened it and it was actually what I'd asked for~ ROTFL

I didn't vote because I wouldn't be upset, but I don't think you're being a diva.

[Dorothy39]

Me and My husbands Birthday are one day apart, so, there's no way he can't remember mine, and , vise versa.

However, If I were to even "think" that he might buy me a card, and then get upset , because he didn't, well, we wouldn't have made it this far!!!!

He is like most men, not wired to think of important dates, but his Heart and Soul is always there for me every single day of the year.


Life is too short, and sooner or later, Birthdays become a blur of smokey candles.