Too Upset ..

[sandragonfly]

friends, not sure where to post this here or in memorial where I feel my feelings should be dumped. maybe this matters to somebody..

as some of you know miles just died recently. suddenly. without any warning or a tiny-bit symptom at all. all he was doing was getting better and was so proud of him. then all shattered down. again. worst this time. not only my stomach have twisted and cutted up, I feel like throwing up.

miles, after edges and avalanche, (who died too, suddenly - all are in memorial if you do a search) they died and we never know why! and never will. all the three vets know miles had 'smaller kidneys' but not why or how. they all were so young. edges was only four months old (most, most close relationship I had with him), avalanche was a bit over a year old and miles, three & half years..

then I had a (horrible) dream this morning. of ocean's montage I made for him.. just as same as miles' montage I made for him few days ago.. I got too upset thinking it's gonna happen to ocean too. usually I believe in dreams, it sometimes predicts me right.

just now (I didn't get mails out yesterday), I found another bill for miles (from his last day at vet) to pay. in fact, I'm still paying for edges' death (two years ago, august 2004) and avalanche's too. last april. and I still am finishing up miles' surgery.

I absolutely hate this way of remembering them. you knew, got nothing and you pay what price anyway?? I've been here on this site for almost four years now where most cats came and died in honors, I haven't seen anyone died without a reason.. why all mine? when will this stop and something I can do for, could save them?? it's just worse than knowing why and understanding the fate.

may they all boys rest in peace but I can't think or rest peacefully. forever.

thanks for reading.

[catmandu]

I know what you mean Gina.
BJ the Siamese got up one afternoon staggered around and as I was calling the Vet, he passed on.
And Tubby 2, was lying there apparently asleep.
If I hadnt of touched him, to give him Temptations, I dont know when I would have found out.
Gin you love your Cats so much, and I know its hard for you.
Hopefully your Vet will let you pay when you can.
I know my Vet would.
The best of luck to you and your Cats.

[AbbyMom]

Gina,
I have read your post three times and I'm still not sure what to say except that I'm so sorry about your cats and to send you cyber hugs.

As far as the bills go, yes, that seems a sad reminder. But you can also know that you did everything you could for your babies.

Your dreams sounds like a reflection of your worries, not a prediction of the future.

You seem to be going through a very, very rough period in your life. I pray that it gets better starting now, today, and that all your babies are safe and healthy. Shower them with love.

Pat

[KitCat]

I have been hoping for things to go better for you, because you have had more hard times than anyone should have to bear. Even though I have never met you, I share your tears. No one can answer why, but know that your friends here support you.

[sandragonfly]

thank you all three so very much. I try to feel a bit better, hardly can with mysterious miseries you have to live with. gary, I didn't realize how so much I loved them until they each took a big piece from my heart. the piece gets bigger when you do not know why.

I think it was more frustrated where I took each of my little guys to more than one, two or three different emergency rooms for different opinion and they all couldn't find anything, anything wrong with them. especially after leukemia, FLV, colon bloodworks, x-rays, GI bariums and much more. all they asked me to bring the guys back home to keep them warm and before we knew, they just gave up their little heart the next few days.

now I think, what is this word, veterarian is really??

I don't see how this can stop bothering me.

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

((((((((HUGS for you, dear Gina!!!!!!!))))))))

[Terminalvelocity]

Like many have said, Gina, at least you know that you did everything possible for them. No one else could have, or would have, done more.

I know how you feel about the vets that you're still paying. Sometimes its so easy to think that you're making their Mercedes payments when you pay those bills.. or their next vacation to Hawaii and here your babies are gone anyway. But you can't keep feeling that way. It'll eat you up inside.

I spent the whole morning reading about Miles (I feel like I've known him his whole life now) from when you first got him right up until the end of his remarkable life. What a treasure he was! Is.. because you know he's in God's hands now and he loves them more than we ever could.

You can't let this get you down! Miles' life was worth so much more!! After all he had been through, his body was weakened, his kidneys were too small and his nine lives were just worn out. No doctor could have saved him, I'm sure, but you gave it your all, just as he did.

You were spared the agony of watching him fail. He hid that from you, knowing that you'd be so upset, so please don't torture yourself. Handling the grief is hard enough on its own.

Console yourself with the knowledge that your living little ones need you so much. Be strong for them. They grieve, too, and they need you.

[Karen]

But that's not the only way you'll remember them, their imprints in your eart will last longer than the bills. The important thing is to keep the rest of the ark - and you - healthy. I'd keep a close watch on Ocean, and if he's acting at all unwell, get him to the vet, and explain that Ocean and Miles were both at the vet at the same time for emergency care, and you're worried that there might be some lingering infection ...

[barncat]

I am so sorry...It is hard when there isn't a clear why. You gave (give) them love while they were with you. I know losing each one is painful...horribly painful, but I hope that in time you find that the love shared has enriched your heart more than wounded it.

Please find ways to nurture yourself. You've gone through so much you must be running on near empty...and I know for me that makes one so vulnerable to depression on top of grief.

You are such a blessing to the animals... please take care of yourself as if you were one of them.

[Pawsitive Thinking]

I am so glad you can come here and share your feelings with people who truly understand how you are feeling. We are all thinking of you and really hope that things take a turn for the better soon.

[sandragonfly]

now chance is gone.. had necropsy. nothing.

forgive me I don't have anything to say right now - fail at words.

world fails me. thank you all.

[dionne]

i am so very sorry gina. you have my thoughts and my condolences, as well as my sypathy...no meowmie should have to go through with that. just remember to be strong in their memory, and know they are in a better place now.
much respect and admiration for your unwavering strength,
dionne.
please, take care.

[Danegirl2208]

oh Gina, i am so sorry my thoughts prayers are with you huh..i wish i new what to say, i am so sorry

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

OMG Gina, this is really to much to cope with...... . I am beyond words...

ps; What is necropsy?

[.sarah]

Gina, I have tried replying to the memorial threads, but have no words. The bad luck you endure really, really pains me. These three deaths so close together must be so hard to deal with. One death is hard enough, I just can't imagine what you're going through. I am so sorry I don't have any comforting words. Their deaths sadden me and the luck you get really upsets me. You go through so much