Robin, call your doctor TODAY. This is depression talking, not the real you. And do not hesitate to call a Help line, in the moment you feel so desperate. There IS HELP to get through this.
You've been through some terribly sad & tragic sitations over the past couple years, and the stress levels have drained your body of the resources to deal with it. So PLEASE make that call TODAY.
Many people who love you don't want to see you suffering like this.
Please call, I'm going to pm you-