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Thread: how about a joke thread... (?)

  1. #1
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    how about a joke thread... (?)

    Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

    The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

    The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

    Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

    The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

    "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

    She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

    "Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

    "My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

    She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

    The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is The Taco Bell Chihuahua.

    He gives her a smile and a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says .......

    "Liver alone; cheese mine."

    ***

    BABY PHOTOGRAPHER

    The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a Surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon'.

    Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

    'Oh, no need to explain', Mrs Smith cut in, 'I've been expecting you'.

    'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

    'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

    After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

    'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there'.

    'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry And me!'

    'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results'.

    'My, that's a lot!' gasped Mrs Smith. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that'.

    'Don't I know it', said Mrs Smith quietly.

    The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus', he said.

    'Oh my God!' Mrs Smith exclaimed, tugging at her neckerchief.

    'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with'.

    'She was difficult?' asked Mrs Smith.

    'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'.

    'Four and five deep?' said Mrs Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

    'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

    Mrs Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um...equipment?'

    'It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away'.

    'Tripod?'

    'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long...

    Ma'am? Ma'am? Good Lord, she's fainted!'

  2. #2
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    Subject: BLESS LITTLE OLD LADIES

    An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New
    York City building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into
    the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old
    woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"
    Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the
    elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman
    saying, "Channel No. 5, $200 an ounce."
    About three floors later, the old woman has reached her
    destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she
    leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, farts, then
    says,.........................
    "Broccoli...... 49 cents a pound.

  3. #3
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    Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed Mother-of-the-Bride ever!

    A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

    Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

    A few days later, they went shopping and found another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Are you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

    She just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"

    NOW I ASK YA? IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY!?!

  4. #4
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    Subject: DIARY FROM DOG AND CAT

    EXCERPTS FROM THE DOG'S DAILY DIARY

    8:00 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
    9:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
    9:40 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
    10:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
    11:30 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
    12:00 noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
    1:00 pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
    4:00 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
    5:00 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
    5:30 pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!
    6:00 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
    6:30 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!

    EXCERPTS FROM THE CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

    Day 283 Of My Captivity.
    My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
    They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
    The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
    Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
    Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost
    succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs.
    In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on
    their favorite chair; must try this on their bed.
    Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts.
    They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was.
    Hmmm, not working according to plan.
    There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices.
    I was placed in solitary throughout the event.
    However, I could hear the noise and smell the food.
    More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies."
    Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
    I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.
    The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return.
    He is obviously a half-wit.
    The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly.
    I am certain he reports my every move.
    Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
    But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

  5. #5
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    Subject: NUNS PAINTING

    Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
    After conferring, the two nuns decide to lock the door, strip off their habits and paint in the nude.
    In the middle of the project there is a knock at the door.
    "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
    "Blind man" replies a voice from the other side of the door. The nuns look at each other and shrug. Deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
    "Nice boobs" says the man. "Where do you want these blinds hung?"

  6. #6
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    Girls night out...

    Two women who had been friends for years, decided to go for a Girls Night Out, and were decidedly over-enthusiastic on the martinis.

    Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom. They were very near a cemetery and one of them suggested they wiz behind a headstone.

    The first woman had nothing to dry herself with so she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing rather expensive underwear and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. She dried herself with the ribbon.

    After finishing, they then made off for home.

    The next day, the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "This girls' night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last night without her panties."

    "That's nothing." said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that said, FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION. WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU."

  7. #7
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    NO TOILET PAPER

    A very attractive lady goes up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
    "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
    "Actually, no," the man replied.
    "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
    I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
    "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefingers across the bartender's lips and shyly popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
    "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
    "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    359
    The old boat

    Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old
    dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One
    day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters
    who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to
    salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken
    vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of
    the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brothers wife
    had died suddenly.

    When he got back on shore he went into town to pick
    up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman theremistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your
    oss. You must feel terrible."

    Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell
    no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a
    rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all
    shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was
    always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back
    and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her,
    her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

    "I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her
    to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them
    that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But
    they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her
    all at one time and she split right up the middle."

    The old woman fainted.

    Saying the right thing

    Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks,
    "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

    Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that!

    Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"



    Self-induced hangover - $100.00

    Broken furniture - $200.00

    Breakfast - $10.00

    Saying the right thing - PRICELESS

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Grand Forks, ND
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    LOL! I love these jokes! Here's one:

    There was a lady who had heard from a group of people that bathing in milk helps your skin and makes it more healthy, Now this lady had dry, scaly skin, and thought, well, why not?

    The next day when the milkman came, he asked her how much milf she wanted. She replied,"Oh, I am not sure, I need enough to bathe in."

    "Bathe in ma'am, ?" asked the milkman.

    "Yes, I am going to bathe in it for my skin..."replied the lady.

    "Well, okay the, do you want it pusturised (past-your-eyes)" asked the milkman.

    "Oh no! Right above my breasts would be fine!" replied the lady.

    Steph and Jes

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