So much is being written about diets, exercise, obesity, Atkins, Shmatkins, nowadays it is impossible to know what to eat, and what to abstain from. It is enough to make you ill.
Having said that, Jews have always wisely placed a premium on health. If you have your health, you are a rich man. If you are a rich man, but do not have health, you have nothing.
THE JEWISH GUIDE TO GOOD HEALTH
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain … Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you meshuga? … Cocoa beans … another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Now go have a biscuit … flour comes from wheat, which is a veggie!
And finally; if swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me