Morning all, Enjoy

Dear Dog:

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the
middle of my plate does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and
dish, nor do I find it the least bit aesthetically pleasing.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I will
fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about
this. Look at videos of dogs sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to
the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out
and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is
nothing but doggy sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the
edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. Besides, I have been using bathrooms for years and canine
attendance is not mandatory!

The proper order to show affection is: kiss me, then go smell the other
dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

Rules for non-pet-owners who visit and like to complain about our pets.

1. The dog lives here. You don't.

2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, she's a dog. To me, she's an adopted daughter who is short,
hairy, walks on all fours, doesn't speak clearly, and loves me

5. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the
time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car,
don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry
about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a
gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the

The same applies to cats, except they ignore you until you are asleep.