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Thread: Funny Stories Anyone?

  1. #1
    Join Date
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    Funny Stories Anyone?

    I have been sort of collecting these from my e-mails and they don`t really fit into the Jokes thread cos they are true stories. So, here they are, and maybe you all could add some more!?

    First 3....

    AS THE NEW OWNER of an older home, my friend Jim tried to become an instant handyman. When his kitchen water line froze, he decided to correct the problem himself by drilling through the wall between the kitchen and living room to reroute the pipe. Jim called me to ask if I knew why there would be heavy insulation on an inside wall. The more he drilled, the more insulation came through the hole. I went to his house to inspect the site and found that what was coming through the hole was not insulation but upholstery stuffing. He had drilled through the wall, right into the back of the living-room sofa.
    --Contributed to "Life In These United States" by William M. Chittester

    MY PARENTS and another couple visited me in Boston, where I was attending college. After a day of shopping, the two women were eager to return to their hotel via the subway. I was going back to my dorm, which was one stop before theirs, so I rode with them. Unfortunately, it was rush hour and we became separated in the crowded car. Every time the train stopped, Mom called out, "Brenda, are you still here?"
    I finally yelled to her that I would let her know when I was getting off. When my stop came, I shouted, "Mom, I'm getting off now." To my embarrassment, everyone on the subway car yelled back, "Bye, Brenda!"
    --Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Brenda Klein Ross

    AS A FLIGHT ENGINEER on a C-130 cargo plane, I had been stationed in Panama for several months before the December 1989 invasion. Ever since I began my Air Force flying career, my mother has been concerned for my safety, so I expected a long letter from her expressing her anxiety. But what she sent was a sheet of paper containing six words: "Kick theirs, protect yours. Love, Mom."
    --Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by SSgt. Jeff L. Keelan

  2. #2
    Join Date
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    Another two...

    MY HUSBAND, a supervisory aerospace engineer, had been retired three months before he visited his old work place. He wandered into one office and found a draftsman laboring earnestly. He hardly looked up the whole time he chatted with my husband.
    Sensing that he was interrupting an important project, my husband was about to excuse himself when the draftsman threw down his instruments and sat back. "For Pete's sake," he said, "it's just dawned on me that I no longer have to look busy when you appear."
    --Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Marie W. Lee

    OUR DAUGHTER, an ROTC cadet, was ordered to Fort Indiantown Gap in Pennsylvania for field exercises. Since it was the Easter season, she requested permission to attend church services on Palm Sunday. The troops were in the field at the time, so the commanding officer agreed only if there happened to be a church in the vicinity of their maneuvers. When a small country church was seen along the road, our daughter entered quietly, hoping to be unnoticed in spite of her leaf-and-branch camouflage. But all eyes turned upon her as a small child cried in amazement, "Look, somebody came as a palm!"
    --Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Elizabeth Marvin

    Thats all folks....

  3. #3
    Those were great! I have a few but I'll only share one

    I was on the bus to go home with two of my friends (one of them is an ex-friend though ). She was sitting and my best friend and I were standing up, holding onto those poles. The girl sitting looked up at me and asked me what time it was, so I let go of the pole to check my watch. Just as I did that, the bus took a HUGE stop and my best friend and I went flying across the bus. I hit my head on a seat and my friend banged into a pole. Everybody kept asking if we were alright and I was just confused on what just happened. The girl sitting was cracking up through the whole thing. I then turned around to see an old lady jumping up from her seat trying to get to my wallet (which has flown even farther in the front) She was probably just trying to get it for me but she was going after it pretty fast!

    I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running
    from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you.
    I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.
    - Jack Kerouac; On The Road

  4. #4
    Join Date
    May 2003
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    Modesto, Ca
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    6,769
    When my son, Jaden was four, he had a bunch of tiny scratches on his feet from swimming. The cuts weren't that big of a deal, but he was carrying on. I kept telling him to get over it, that they were to little for bandaids. I was getting annoyed because he wouldn't stop whining. So, I told him "If you want bandaids on them, go get them and put them on yourself. They're in the hall closet." So he runs down the hall way and is gone for a while. I hear him walking down the hallway and he yells "Mommy, I found some BIG OL' Bandaids!" He comes out and he has maxi pads wrapped around his feet. My husband and I about died laughing.

    When Jaden was about two, he was laying in his room "napping". I was talking to my mom about my work shift in the living room. He kept yelling "MOM!!!! BAD WORD!!!". So I went into the room and explained that 'shift' isn't a bad word. I'd totally forgotten about it. Then a month later, we're at the church daycare. Jaden drops a toy and goes "OH, SHIFT!" I go "JADEN!" He goes "Don't worry, mommy...remember, its not a bad word."

    One more: Jaden was about 3. I was at my parents house and Jaden was playing in the backyard. We were having an important discussion inside. Jaden kept coming to the sliding glass door over and over again. He'd say "Come meet my ducky!" I don't remember what my parents and I were talking about, but it was important, so I kept telling Jaden to go back outside, that I'd be there in a minute. Like 45 minutes go by of this, and finally I go outside. I was totally thinking that Jaden was playing that he had an imaginary ducky. There he is, holding a dead gopher in his hand. The gopher's guts are hanging out his mouth. He's standing there, petting the gopher. I freaked out and like flung it out of his hand. I go "ewww, that's a dead gopher!" Jaden got all offended and goes "Don't talk about my ducky that way!"

  5. #5
    Tonya, those are hillarious stories. I'm laughing so hard now!

  6. #6
    Join Date
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    OMG!! these are too funny...thanks for makeing my night

  7. #7
    Originally posted by iceyshiver21
    OMG!! these are too funny...thanks for makeing my night
    took the words right outta my mouth you did!

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Feb 2002
    Location
    Georgia, USA
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    One time me and my boyfriend (now husband) and his friend were riding in his car.. Eric was driving, I was in the passenger seat and Adam was riding in the back seat... (we were not wearing seat belts..
    ... and Eric for some reason had to slam on his breaks.... I WENT FLYING INTO THE WINDSHIELD.... (i know that doesn't sound funny but it didn't hurt....) the funny thing about it was I was the only one that even moved in the car... Eric and Adam were glued to their seat like nothing ever happened.... it was SO FUNNY.... It kinda happened like a cartton scene or something.

    AND THEN.... there was this time when my friend and her boyfriend were prank calling me at work and had me fooled for THREE STRAIGHT WHOLE DAYS!!!! If it wasn't such a long story I would tell it... but it was SO FUNNY!!
    Last edited by Sara luvs her Tinky; 06-16-2003 at 12:31 PM.
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  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Location
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    AT THE END of a busy week, my 17-year-old daughter -- eldest of my four kids -- asked me why I had had children. I could never imagine my life without them, I replied.
    "But, Mom," she said, "you don't have a life."
    --Contributed to "Short Takes" by Ora Justice

    ON A SHOPPING TRIP with my daughter, a Navy flight surgeon, I noticed that one item on her list was Snoopy bandages. She said they were for some of her patients who were unnecessarily upset by their minor scratches and routine shots.
    Beaming with maternal pride, I told her how thoughtful she was to make the officers' children so happy.
    "Children?" she said. "Mother, these are for the pilots."
    --Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Fran Solomon Smith

    WHILE WE STOOD at attention during a parade, the private next to me waved to someone in the audience. "Jones, never do that again!" our drill instructor sternly whispered. But a few minutes later, the soldier waved a second time. Back in the barracks after the parade, the DI barreled in and barked for Jones to come front and center. "Son, you knew I was going to see you," he screamed. "You knew it was wrong. Aren't you afraid of me?" "Yes, sir!" replied Jones. "But you don't know my mother!"
    --Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Andrew G. Ramon

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Location
    Norwalk, Connecticut
    Posts
    849
    Originally posted by Tonya
    When my son, Jaden was four, he had a bunch of tiny scratches on his feet from swimming. The cuts weren't that big of a deal, but he was carrying on. I kept telling him to get over it, that they were to little for bandaids. I was getting annoyed because he wouldn't stop whining. So, I told him "If you want bandaids on them, go get them and put them on yourself. They're in the hall closet." So he runs down the hall way and is gone for a while. I hear him walking down the hallway and he yells "Mommy, I found some BIG OL' Bandaids!" He comes out and he has maxi pads wrapped around his feet. My husband and I about died laughing.

    When Jaden was about two, he was laying in his room "napping". I was talking to my mom about my work shift in the living room. He kept yelling "MOM!!!! BAD WORD!!!". So I went into the room and explained that 'shift' isn't a bad word. I'd totally forgotten about it. Then a month later, we're at the church daycare. Jaden drops a toy and goes "OH, SHIFT!" I go "JADEN!" He goes "Don't worry, mommy...remember, its not a bad word."

    One more: Jaden was about 3. I was at my parents house and Jaden was playing in the backyard. We were having an important discussion inside. Jaden kept coming to the sliding glass door over and over again. He'd say "Come meet my ducky!" I don't remember what my parents and I were talking about, but it was important, so I kept telling Jaden to go back outside, that I'd be there in a minute. Like 45 minutes go by of this, and finally I go outside. I was totally thinking that Jaden was playing that he had an imaginary ducky. There he is, holding a dead gopher in his hand. The gopher's guts are hanging out his mouth. He's standing there, petting the gopher. I freaked out and like flung it out of his hand. I go "ewww, that's a dead gopher!" Jaden got all offended and goes "Don't talk about my ducky that way!"

    LMAO!!! Those are hilarious!
    -Amanda-
    Fur Mommy to Chloe, Clara, Dozer, and Max!

    And mommy to my two little angels in heaven Scooter (1-07-04) and Dexter (1-13-04)

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
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    Copenhagen, Denmark
    Posts
    330
    I rather liked this collection of press releases:

    Subject: Press releases

    Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large
    gas bill, a spokesman for NorthWest Gas said "We agree it was rather high
    for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the
    gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
    (The Daily Telegraph)

    Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole
    salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was
    missing her Italian boyfriend.
    (The Manchester Evenings News)

    Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,
    because they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle and
    they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
    (The Guardian)

    After being charged 20 for a 10 overdraft, 30-year-old Michael
    Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank PLC Are
    Fascist bastards. The bank has now asked him to close his account, and
    Mr.Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name.
    (The Guardian)

    A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth
    was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman
    commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
    (The Times)

    At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard
    on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he
    was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help,
    the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
    (Aberdeen Evening Express)

    Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the
    audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled.
    "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up
    in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler".
    (Bournemouth Evening Echo)


    and this is supposed to be a true story:

    GOOD LUCK Mr. GORSKY

    On july 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.

    His first words, after stepping on the moon, were televised to earth and heard by millions:

    "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind,"

    But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "good luck, mr. Gorsky."

    Many people at NASA though it was a casual remark concerning some rival soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

    Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "good luck, mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

    On july 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong.

    This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

    In 1938 when he was a kid in a small midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were mr. and mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard mrs. Gorsky shouting at mr. Gorsky "sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

    "Peace cannot be achieved through violence,
    it can only be attained through understanding."
    Albert Einstein

  12. #12
    ChrisH, too funny! Keep them coming please!


  13. #13
    Join Date
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    Those are all hilarious!!!!

    I just loved the "Mr Gorsky" story--lololol!!!!

    And Jaden--what a riot!!!!

    I have a 5-year-old cousin, who swears like a sailor--she knows every swear word, and makes sure to point it out when someone else says one too.

    One night, the family is at my grandmother's house, and my gram says something about reading the paper, and something about an obituary. From the next room, Molly could be heard singing "Gramma said b***h, Gramma said b***h."
    Emily, Kito, Abbey, Riley, and Jada

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Location
    Southern California
    Posts
    7,469
    Originally posted by lovemyshiba
    Those are all hilarious!!!!

    I just loved the "Mr Gorsky" story--lololol!!!!

    And Jaden--what a riot!!!!

    I have a 5-year-old cousin, who swears like a sailor--she knows every swear word, and makes sure to point it out when someone else says one too.

    One night, the family is at my grandmother's house, and my gram says something about reading the paper, and something about an obituary. From the next room, Molly could be heard singing "Gramma said b***h, Gramma said b***h."
    lolololololololol!!!! I used to do that when I was little...hehe

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Location
    New Orleans, LA USA
    Posts
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    Here's one...well, it was funny to me anyway. My co-worker is in he 40's. One day at lunch she went to Taco Bell. After the girl rang up her order, she told Linda(my co-worker) that the total was $0.79. Linda told her she must have forgotten something. The girl read back the order and said no everything is on here....It's just your senior citizen discount which makes it cheaper. Linda said she wanted to strangle the kid!


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