As some of you know, I have a heart condition known as Tetralogy of Fallot. I had Open Heart Surgery when I was five and some other procedures at 11 months old and 7 years old. It was a huge deal to my parents, and I get that. But for me, I have kind of pretended it doesn't exist my entire life. I deal with it one day a year when I go to the Cardiologist. I've let it sit at the back of my mind. I don't talk about it. I never let it stop me from doing anything, okay well except smoking (ick) and the obvious things, but sports, no. As a kid I was told no constantly on sports or things I've wanted to do and as I got older I didn't listen. I'm pretty active and do a lot of hiking, biking, mountain biking, etc. Hell, I'm doing a triathlon on Saturday. Anyway, I've made threads about this before and how I've felt like I've been treated like an invalid because of this. I'm not trying to create a sob story or retell something I've said here previously.
Anyway, I went today and had an Echo. I have an irregular heartbeat. Last year, my heart had actually shrunk (which is rare) which is an amazing thing and I was so lucky and for once I thought I'd never have to deal with this again. I didn't get an appointment to see the Doctor today, just testing. They are calling my mom over the next week about it after the doctor finds out.
I'm just annoyed. I know it'll never go away. I know I'll be stuck with it for the rest of my darn life. I know I'll have the scar down my chest my entire life. I know that and I just can't seem to accept it. I've been told I have so much potential yet, here's another blip in the road trying to hold me back. My career choice isn't an "ideal" situation for this, I'll be in the woods most of my career, at least in the beginning. I can't get into the army or anything I've wanted to do because of it. I just feel like it's a weakness, and I can't stand showing weakness or having weaknesses. I know this sounds like a whiny kid and I know it's probably nothing and I probably don't need surgery for it but I just really don't like the cards I've been dealt right now. Sometimes I'm accepting of it, sometimes I care, and sometimes I'm "proud" of what I've gone through but it mostly just annoys and irritates me and makes me look like a meek person.
I know "I'm more than my ailment" or so I've been told hundreds of times but sometimes I just don't feel like I am.
This sounds like a whiny sob story, that wasn't my intention. sorry just wanted to rant. I'm being whiny and annoying and I'll probably regret posting this because I'm just in a bad mood right now. Normally I try to refrain from things like this...but yeah.