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Thread: Our PT joke thread

  1. #106
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Illinois, USA
    Posts
    24,252
    Q: Why does Santa Claus have three gardens?
    A: So he can ho, ho, ho!
    Yikes! I've been Boo'd ... right off of the stage!
    Aaahh, I have been defrosted! Thank you, Bonny and Asiel!
    Brrrr, I've been Frosted! Thank you, Asiel and Pomtzu!


    "That's the power of kittens (and puppies too, of course): They can reduce us to quivering masses of Jell-O in about two seconds flat and make us like it. Good thing they don't have opposable thumbs or they'd surely have taken over the world by now." -- Paul Lukas

    Cassie's Catster page: http://www.catster.com/cats/448678

  2. #107
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    Location
    Kentucky, LAND OF THE EASILY AMUSED
    Posts
    24,614
    Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over
    to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened
    the trunk.

    I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of
    my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't
    believe it! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the
    approaching drivers.

    To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men,
    which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of
    course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns
    and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up
    behind me.

    He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he
    was not a happy camper!

    'What's going on here? '

    'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.

    'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?'

    I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him,

    'Helloooooo, Those are my emergency flashers!'
    The secret of life is nothing at all
    -faith hill

    Mr. Show?

    No humans were hurt during the posting of this message.

  3. #108
    Join Date
    Apr 2001
    Location
    indianapolis,indiana usa
    Posts
    22,765
    Hey , where is the photo that goes with the joke? I,ve seen it before.
    very funny.
    I've Been Boo'd

    I've been Frosted






    Men, it has been well said, think in herds. It will be seen that they go mad in herds, while they only recover their senses slowly, and one by one."
    — Charles Mackay, Scottish journalist, circa 1841

  4. #109
    Join Date
    Apr 2001
    Location
    indianapolis,indiana usa
    Posts
    22,765
    A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.


    He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

    “Pick me up..”

    He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

    He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,

    “Pick me up..”

    He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

    The man said, “Are you talking to me?”

    The frog said, “Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me
    and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

    I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous
    because I will be your bride!”

    The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked
    it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

    The frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
    I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.”

    He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

    “Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.”


    ****With age comes wisdom *****
    I've Been Boo'd

    I've been Frosted






    Men, it has been well said, think in herds. It will be seen that they go mad in herds, while they only recover their senses slowly, and one by one."
    — Charles Mackay, Scottish journalist, circa 1841

  5. #110
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Illinois, USA
    Posts
    24,252
    Had the last rehearsal this evening for the children's Christmas program tomorrow afternoon. One of the kids told us this Christmas joke. (He's 7... get ready )

    Knock knock, who's there?
    Harold, Harold who?
    Hark, the Harold angels sing...

    (groan)
    Yikes! I've been Boo'd ... right off of the stage!
    Aaahh, I have been defrosted! Thank you, Bonny and Asiel!
    Brrrr, I've been Frosted! Thank you, Asiel and Pomtzu!


    "That's the power of kittens (and puppies too, of course): They can reduce us to quivering masses of Jell-O in about two seconds flat and make us like it. Good thing they don't have opposable thumbs or they'd surely have taken over the world by now." -- Paul Lukas

    Cassie's Catster page: http://www.catster.com/cats/448678

  6. #111
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    8,519
    An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs.

    With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

    Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

    The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

    "Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

  7. #112
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    8,169

    The funeral Procession

    THE FUNERAL PROCESSION

    A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning
    coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession
    approaching the nearby cemetery.
    A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

    Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men
    walking single file.

    The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully
    approached the man walking the dog & said, "I am so sorry
    for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you,
    but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

    "My wife's."

    ''What happened to her?"

    The man replied, "My dog attacked & killed her"

    He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

    The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help
    my wife when the dog turned on her."

    A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed
    between the two men.

    "Can I borrow the dog?"

    The man replied, "Get in line."

  8. #113
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    8,169

    How I Learned To Mind My Own Business

    I was walking past a mental hospital the other day. All the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'

    The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....

    Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick!


    Then they all started shouting '14.... 14....14'...

  9. #114
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    8,169

    Just a wee Coincidence

    A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

    "Why, of course," comes the reply.

    The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"

    "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

    The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

    "Of course," says the second.

    Curious, the first asks: "Where in Ireland?"

    "Dublin," comes the reply.

    "I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin."

    "Of course"

    The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you go to?"

    "Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62."

    "This is becoming unbelievable!!!" They say in union.

    About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

    "What's up?" he asks the bartender.

    "Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"

  10. #115
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
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    Deep-N-Heart of Tx && My Babie's Hearts
    Posts
    15,558
    Yup Wom I can see you have returned.. Good Jokes.. Keep them coming..

    ~~~Thank You Very Much {Kim} kimlovescats for the Grand Siggy~~~

    [[ Furr Babies are Like Potato Chips **** No One Can Have Just One ]]
    ****** Kindness, Mercy & Justice to All Living Creatures ******
    {{{{{Everyday is a Gift = That's why it's Called the Present }}}}}
    ((( Each Day With Our Pets is a Surprise Package Waiting to be Opened )))
    <Sunsets are God's Reminder to Us That At The End of the Day We're All In This Together>

  11. #116
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    8,169

    Have you ever danced ?????

    An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio , Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

    The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... Never really wanted to."

    A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

    When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

    The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

    The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

    The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... But... I've always wanted to."


    There are two lessons for us all here:


    Don't waste ammunition.

    Don't mess with old people.

  12. #117
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    42

    Some JOKES 4 u!

    Here are some Hilarious Jokes.... Hope you like them!


    What four letters would scare off a burgaler? O I C U (Oh I see you)
    Knock Knock. Who's there? Snot. Snot who? SNOT polite to say snot
    Why did the tomato blush? Because he saw the sallad DRESSING!
    Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other SLIDE!
    Why did the cow cross the road? Because the chicken was having a DAY OFF
    Kock Knock. Who is there? Wet. Wet who? WET me in it's raining!


    OK i'm sooooooooooooooo silly
    I love you and i miss you RB Goldberg. you may be gone from the world, but you'll never be gone from my heart. i wish you could come back, but you are better now. Rest in heavenly peace. i forever miss and love you. i hope "one fine day" we can reunite and be best friends again.
    I forever hold you in my arms,
    I have your name engraved in my heart,
    I know that you may be gone,
    But i loved you right from the start.

  13. #118
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Deep-N-Heart of Tx && My Babie's Hearts
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    15,558
    Good Wom.. Now you forgot to say Lesson #3 Is Also Dont Mess With Texans..
    Quote Originally Posted by wombat2u2004 View Post
    An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio , Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

    The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... Never really wanted to."

    A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

    When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

    The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

    The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

    The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... But... I've always wanted to."


    There are two lessons for us all here:


    Don't waste ammunition.

    Don't mess with old people.

    ~~~Thank You Very Much {Kim} kimlovescats for the Grand Siggy~~~

    [[ Furr Babies are Like Potato Chips **** No One Can Have Just One ]]
    ****** Kindness, Mercy & Justice to All Living Creatures ******
    {{{{{Everyday is a Gift = That's why it's Called the Present }}}}}
    ((( Each Day With Our Pets is a Surprise Package Waiting to be Opened )))
    <Sunsets are God's Reminder to Us That At The End of the Day We're All In This Together>

  14. #119
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    8,169
    Knock Knock. who's there ? Amos. Amos who ? A mosquito.

    Quote Originally Posted by Smarties View Post
    Here are some Hilarious Jokes.... Hope you like them!


    What four letters would scare off a burgaler? O I C U (Oh I see you)
    Knock Knock. Who's there? Snot. Snot who? SNOT polite to say snot
    Why did the tomato blush? Because he saw the sallad DRESSING!
    Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other SLIDE!
    Why did the cow cross the road? Because the chicken was having a DAY OFF
    Kock Knock. Who is there? Wet. Wet who? WET me in it's raining!


    OK i'm sooooooooooooooo silly

  15. #120
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    8,169
    Quote Originally Posted by lvpets2002 View Post
    Good Wom.. Now you forgot to say Lesson #3 Is Also Dont Mess With Texans..
    You heard the one about the Texan tourist who went to Australia for a holiday ????
    He was on a bus trip in the outback with a bunch of Aussies.

    All of a sudden, they passed a herd of cattle.
    Texan: "What are those things ????"
    Aussie: "Oh, they are probably Herefords or some kind of beef cattle."
    Texan: "Yer kiddin.....we got longhorns in Texas twice the size of those."

    The bus drives on further.
    All of a sudden, they passed a herd of sheep.
    Texan: "What on Gods earth are they ???"
    Aussie: "Sheep, they are our prime wool sheep."
    Texan: "You gotta be jokin pardner, we've sheep in Texas that make your sheep look like dwarfs."

    The bus drives on further.
    All of a sudden, a kangaroo bounds past the bus.
    Texan: "Doggone, what in hell was that ??"
    Aussie: Probably just one of our field mice."

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