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Thread: Our PT joke thread

  1. #316
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    8,169
    Painting the Church


    There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacVavrek who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

    As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.
    Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
    So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.........

    Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

    Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:
    "Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"


    And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.....



    "Repaint! Repaint!

    And thin no more!"




    Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light


    "I'm Back !!"

  2. #317
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    Alberta, Canada
    Posts
    21,011
    Got this in an email. It's been around before, but worth repeating.

    The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than the other possibility, German.

    As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.

    In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

    There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

    In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

    Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

    Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

    By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

    During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, vevil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

    Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

    Und efter ze fifz yer,ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forstplas.

    If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
    "I like physics, but I love cartoons." -- Stephen Hawking

  3. #318
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    8,169
    A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack,to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

    When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

    Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

    As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'
    'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'


    "I'm Back !!"

  4. #319
    Join Date
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    Location
    Australia
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    "I'm Back !!"

  5. #320
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    Alberta, Canada
    Posts
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    "I like physics, but I love cartoons." -- Stephen Hawking

  6. #321
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    Alberta, Canada
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    "I like physics, but I love cartoons." -- Stephen Hawking

  7. #322
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Illinois, USA
    Posts
    25,141

    And now, a kid's winter joke...

    Q: Where does a snowman go on New Year's Eve?
    A: To the snowball!

    (groan)
    I've been Boo'd ... right off the stage!

    Aaahh, I have been defrosted! Thank you, Bonny and Asiel!
    Brrrr, I've been Frosted! Thank you, Asiel and Pomtzu!


    "That's the power of kittens (and puppies too, of course): They can reduce us to quivering masses of Jell-O in about two seconds flat and make us like it. Good thing they don't have opposable thumbs or they'd surely have taken over the world by now." -- Paul Lukas

    Cassie's Catster page: http://www.catster.com/cats/448678

  8. #323
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Illinois, USA
    Posts
    25,141
    I'm not the only nurse on Pet Talk... so this is for my PT health care buddies... and I'm sure those of you who have ever visited a family member in the hospital will also get a chuckle out of it. A former co-worker (who's also a nurse) sent this to me recently. Author unknown.

    ~~~~~
    I assisted one of my elderly patients to the bathroom so she could
    have a BM. I tell her that I'll let her sit for a while but as soon as
    she's done, to please pull the call bell (and I showed her where it
    was) so I could come and assist her back to bed. She agrees.

    I go and complete some other tasks that need doing (isn't there
    always?). After a while, I think to myself, 'She hasn't rung yet?!' I
    go and check on her and she's still sitting on the toilet.

    She goes, "Oh, I've been waiting and waiting for you! I'm done!"

    I ask, "Why didn't you pull the call bell when you were done? I would
    have been here sooner."

    She looks at me, confused. "I did. Like this, right?" She then takes
    the pull string and swings it so the little knob at the end hits the
    metal rail on the wall, making a DING! noise.

    I almost facepalmed.
    I've been Boo'd ... right off the stage!

    Aaahh, I have been defrosted! Thank you, Bonny and Asiel!
    Brrrr, I've been Frosted! Thank you, Asiel and Pomtzu!


    "That's the power of kittens (and puppies too, of course): They can reduce us to quivering masses of Jell-O in about two seconds flat and make us like it. Good thing they don't have opposable thumbs or they'd surely have taken over the world by now." -- Paul Lukas

    Cassie's Catster page: http://www.catster.com/cats/448678

  9. #324
    Join Date
    Jun 2000
    Location
    Waltham, MA, USA
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    36,732
    Details, details! That's a cute one.
    I've Been Frosted

  10. #325
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    Alberta, Canada
    Posts
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    From failbook.org:

    "I like physics, but I love cartoons." -- Stephen Hawking

  11. #326
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    Alberta, Canada
    Posts
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    From http://celebs.icanhascheezburger.com/page/2/

    "I like physics, but I love cartoons." -- Stephen Hawking

  12. #327
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    Alberta, Canada
    Posts
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    For all the teachers...

    "I like physics, but I love cartoons." -- Stephen Hawking

  13. #328
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Illinois, USA
    Posts
    25,141

    from the Reader's Digest

    Scene: American tourists in Great Britain
    Tourist No. 1: Look at those white cows! I've never seen cows like that before.
    Tourist No. 2: Maybe they are albino. Or, it could be a special English type of cow.
    Guy sitting behind them: Those are sheep.

    ==from overheardeverywhere.com/RD May 2012, pg 97
    I've been Boo'd ... right off the stage!

    Aaahh, I have been defrosted! Thank you, Bonny and Asiel!
    Brrrr, I've been Frosted! Thank you, Asiel and Pomtzu!


    "That's the power of kittens (and puppies too, of course): They can reduce us to quivering masses of Jell-O in about two seconds flat and make us like it. Good thing they don't have opposable thumbs or they'd surely have taken over the world by now." -- Paul Lukas

    Cassie's Catster page: http://www.catster.com/cats/448678

  14. #329
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    Alberta, Canada
    Posts
    21,011
    "I like physics, but I love cartoons." -- Stephen Hawking

  15. #330
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Markham, Canada
    Posts
    203
    An elderly lady was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
    While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.'
    The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old a**hole what his name is.

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