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Thread: Our PT joke thread

  1. #196
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    8,169

    Hymn #365

     
     
    A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
     
    With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had
    All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
     
    And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
    Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
    I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
     
    Sermon complete, he sat down..
     
    The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
    With a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song,
    Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

  2. #197
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    8,552
    Real Man



    A real man is a woman's best friend. He will
    never stand her up and never let her down.

    He will reassure her when she feels insecure
    and comfort her after a bad day.

    He will inspire her to do things she never
    thought she could do; to live without fear
    and forget regret. He will enable her to
    express her deepest emotions and give in to
    her most intimate desires. He will make sure
    she always feels as though she's the most
    beautiful woman in the room and will enable
    her to be the most confident, sexy,
    seductive, and invincible.





    No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.

    It’s wine that does all that.......



    Never mind.

  3. #198
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    Alberta, Canada
    Posts
    20,846

    Puns abound!!! :-d

    1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

    2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

    3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

    4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

    5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

    6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

    7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

    8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

    9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

    10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

    12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

    14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

    15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

    16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said ‘No change yet.’

    17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

    18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

    19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

    20. A backward poet writes inverse.

    21. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts.. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

    22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

    23. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
    "Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere." -- Erma Bombeck

  4. #199
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    USA North Carolina
    Posts
    182
    Quote Originally Posted by CathyBogart View Post
    A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

    'House' for instance, is feminine:
    'la casa.'

    'Pencil,' however, is masculine:
    'el lapiz.'

    A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

    Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

    Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

    The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

    1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

    2. The native language they use to communicate with other
    computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

    3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory
    for possible later retrieval; and

    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
    spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

    (THIS GETS BETTER !)

    The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

    1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

    2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

    3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the
    time they ARE the problem; and

    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had
    waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

    The women won

    Har har har har ahahaha!

  5. #200
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    USA North Carolina
    Posts
    182
    Quote Originally Posted by wombat2u2004 View Post
     
     
    A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
     
    With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had
    All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
     
    And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
    Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
    I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
     
    Sermon complete, he sat down..
     
    The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
    With a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song,
    Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

    AHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Har har har HA!!!!!!!! Oh my gosh that's so HILARIOUS!

  6. #201
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    USA North Carolina
    Posts
    182
    Quote Originally Posted by richard View Post
    how you know when love fades?

    A man was sitting on the sofa watching tv when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen: "what would you like for dinner, love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

    he said, "thank you; i'll have chicken."

    she said "---- you. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."
    ahahahahaha har har ahahaa

  7. #202
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    8,169

    Be Very Quiet...........

    A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
    The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."
    A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran
    back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

    The boy, bless his heart, answered;

    "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
    I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
    I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
    I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.
    I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.
    I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.

    But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said,
    'Should we eat them here or take them with us?'

    " Well, I guess I just panicked "






  8. #203
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Deep-N-Heart of Tx && My Babie's Hearts
    Posts
    15,558
    Too Funny Good One

    Quote Originally Posted by wombat2u2004 View Post
    A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
    The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."
    A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran
    back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

    The boy, bless his heart, answered;

    "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
    I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
    I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
    I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.
    I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.
    I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.

    But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said,
    'Should we eat them here or take them with us?'

    " Well, I guess I just panicked "






    ~~~Thank You Very Much {Kim} kimlovescats for the Grand Siggy~~~

    [[ Furr Babies are Like Potato Chips **** No One Can Have Just One ]]
    ****** Kindness, Mercy & Justice to All Living Creatures ******
    {{{{{Everyday is a Gift = That's why it's Called the Present }}}}}
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    <Sunsets are God's Reminder to Us That At The End of the Day We're All In This Together>

  9. #204
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    Alberta, Canada
    Posts
    20,846
    A new supermarket opened here recently.

    It has an automatic water mister to keep produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

    When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows moo and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

    In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks.

    In the sea-food area the scent of salt water and the sound of waves lapping a...t the shore and sea gulls calling over-head.

    When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

    The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked read & cookies.

    I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
    "Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere." -- Erma Bombeck

  10. #205
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Illinois, USA
    Posts
    24,951
    Q: Why couldn't they play cards on the Ark?
    A: Because Noah was sitting on the deck ...

    (rim shot)
    Yikes! I've been Boo'd ... right off of the stage!
    Aaahh, I have been defrosted! Thank you, Bonny and Asiel!
    Brrrr, I've been Frosted! Thank you, Asiel and Pomtzu!


    "That's the power of kittens (and puppies too, of course): They can reduce us to quivering masses of Jell-O in about two seconds flat and make us like it. Good thing they don't have opposable thumbs or they'd surely have taken over the world by now." -- Paul Lukas

    Cassie's Catster page: http://www.catster.com/cats/448678

  11. #206
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Illinois, USA
    Posts
    24,951
    A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards.”

    The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?”

    “No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.”

    “Oh, OK!” said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

    The trucker asked, “What are the beans for, Blondie?”

    She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”
    Yikes! I've been Boo'd ... right off of the stage!
    Aaahh, I have been defrosted! Thank you, Bonny and Asiel!
    Brrrr, I've been Frosted! Thank you, Asiel and Pomtzu!


    "That's the power of kittens (and puppies too, of course): They can reduce us to quivering masses of Jell-O in about two seconds flat and make us like it. Good thing they don't have opposable thumbs or they'd surely have taken over the world by now." -- Paul Lukas

    Cassie's Catster page: http://www.catster.com/cats/448678

  12. #207
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    8,169

    The Firetruck

    A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

    The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

    The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration...

    'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles...

    'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

    The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

  13. #208
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    8,169
    A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.


    After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

    The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

    The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

    To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.."

    The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.



    A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

    The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

    The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

    The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."



    The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
    Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

  14. #209
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    8,552
    A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man

    gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, is standing in the pouring rain, is

    asking for a push. “Not a chance,” says the husband, “it’s 3:00 on the morning!”

    He slams the door and returns to bed. “Who was that?” asked the wife

    “Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers. “Did you help him?” she asks.

    “No I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it’s pouring rain out there!” “Well, you have a short memory,” says the wife.

    “Cant you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?

    I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”

    The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still here?”

    “Yes,” comes back the answer. “do you still need a push?” call out the husband. “yes, Please!” comes the reply from the dark.

    “Where are you?” asks the husband

    “Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk.

  15. #210
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    8,169
    A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

    Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

    'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place...

    'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

    They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.. She listens.

    After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time

    The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

    'No,' she replies. . . 'You just happened to catch my eye.'



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