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Thread: Our PT joke thread

  1. #181
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    8,169
    Two Irish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
    "Odd," her companion replies, "But if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."

    As they sit, they hear a pushcart vendor yell, "Get your dogs here" and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.

    "Two dogs, please!" says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over.

    Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.

    The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get"?


    "I'm Back !!"

  2. #182
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Illinois, USA
    Posts
    25,408
    A woman rubs a lamp and out pops a genie. "You're a kind lady, so I'll grant you one wish," the genie tells her.

    "See this cat? I'd rather have a strong, handsome man," she says.

    The genie agrees and—poof!—the cat turns into a Brad Pitt clone. The woman leaps into his lap.

    "Do you have anything to say before we make love?" she asks.

    "Yes," he says. "I bet you wish you hadn't had me neutered last week."
    I've been Boo'd ... right off the stage!

    Aaahh, I have been defrosted! Thank you, Bonny and Asiel!
    Brrrr, I've been Frosted! Thank you, Asiel and Pomtzu!


    "That's the power of kittens (and puppies too, of course): They can reduce us to quivering masses of Jell-O in about two seconds flat and make us like it. Good thing they don't have opposable thumbs or they'd surely have taken over the world by now." -- Paul Lukas

    Cassie's Catster page: http://www.catster.com/cats/448678

  3. #183
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    Alberta, Canada
    Posts
    21,157
    The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
    ...
    Judy Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

    You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.

    "We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

    Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

    "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

    A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is 'sternum'."

    All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say...
    "To begin, begin." ~William Wordsworth

  4. #184
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    8,169
    So, there's this yellow cane toad wandering around in the bush, kinda crapped off because he doesn't want to be yellow.

    Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

    Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other canetoads," he begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?"

    "Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes:
    "Abracapokus! You're brown!"

    The toad looks down and sees that he is brown ! Except..... for his weenie, which is still yellow.

    "Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!"

    "Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

    There is also a purple kangaroo hopping about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes okay it's a coincidence, but it's true).

    "Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple kangaroo, "I can't pull any Roo-esses cos they don't want to be seen with me on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off."

    Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here." she says. And with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"

    The kangaroo looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple.

    "Hold up sweetheart!", he says to the fairy godmother, "My goolies are still purple!"

    "Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."

    "Well that's just dandy, innit?" the kangaroo replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?"

    "Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off...........




    "Just follow the yellow-dick toad !! "


    "I'm Back !!"

  5. #185
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    8,169

    God loves drunk people too

    A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

    "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

    "Who was that?" asked his wife.

    "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

    "Did you help him?" she asks.

    "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"


    "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you re member about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" God loves drunk people too.

    The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

    He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

    "Yes," comes back the answer.

    "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

    "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

    "Where are you?" asks the husband.

    "Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.


    "I'm Back !!"

  6. #186
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    8,169
    A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!"

    Passenger: "Who?"

    Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

    Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

    Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

    Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

    Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

    Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

    Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

    Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

    Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his widow."


    "I'm Back !!"

  7. #187
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    8,564

    Jenny Craig For Men

    A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

    The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

    She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

    The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

    Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up..


    The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

    On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

    He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

    The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

    Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

    Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

    'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

    'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

    The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

    He lost 63 pounds that week.

  8. #188
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    8,169
    I love you in 5 languages!




    English - I Love You

    French - Je T'aime

    Italian - Ti Amo

    Chinese - Wo Ai Nin

    Australian - Nice Butt, Get in the truck


    "I'm Back !!"

  9. #189
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Illinois, USA
    Posts
    25,408
    Patient: "Doctor, I've broken my arm in two places!"
    Doctor: "Well then, stay out of those places."

    Doctor: "Nurse, what is the progress of the child who swallowed a dozen coins?"
    Nurse: "No change yet."

    A patient in the hospital noticed her doctor walking around the unit yelling, "Influenza! Pneumonia! Shingles! Pertussis! Tetanus! Diphtheria!" She asked the nurse the reason behind the doctor's words. The nurse explained, "Oh, the doctor likes to call the shots around here."
    I've been Boo'd ... right off the stage!

    Aaahh, I have been defrosted! Thank you, Bonny and Asiel!
    Brrrr, I've been Frosted! Thank you, Asiel and Pomtzu!


    "That's the power of kittens (and puppies too, of course): They can reduce us to quivering masses of Jell-O in about two seconds flat and make us like it. Good thing they don't have opposable thumbs or they'd surely have taken over the world by now." -- Paul Lukas

    Cassie's Catster page: http://www.catster.com/cats/448678

  10. #190
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    Location
    Kentucky, LAND OF THE EASILY AMUSED
    Posts
    24,901
    How you know when love fades?

    A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen: "What would you like for dinner, Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

    He said, "Thank you; I'll have chicken."

    She said "---- You. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."
    The secret of life is nothing at all
    -faith hill

    Dang Oakland Raiders..

    No humans were hurt during the posting of this message.

  11. #191
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    Alberta, Canada
    Posts
    21,157
    The largest condom factory in the U.S.A. burned down.

    Nancy Pelosi is woken at 4 a.m. by the telephone. "Sorry to bother you at this hour, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week".

    Nancy Pelosi: "Oh damn, the economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We're going to have to ship some in from Mexico "

    Telephone voice says: "Bad idea....the Mexicans will have a field day with this one."

    She says: "What about Canada "?

    He says: "I'll call Stephen Harper, and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and eight inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans".

    Three days later, a delighted Nancy Pelosi runs out to open the first box of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. She finds five million condoms, 10 inches long, 8 inches thick, just as requested ..... all coloured red and white with small writing on each one.

    'MADE IN CANADA - SIZE: MEDIUM'
    "To begin, begin." ~William Wordsworth

  12. #192
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    8,564

    Bureaucracy

    Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client:


    You have to love this lawyer........


    A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.



    (Actual reply from FHA):
    "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."


    Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
    (Actual response):



    "Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application.

    I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France, in 1803 the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella.

    The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus's expedition...Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana . God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"


    The loan was immediately approved.

  13. #193
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    Alberta, Canada
    Posts
    21,157
    Two Reasons Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:


    1. The DNA all matches.

    2. There are no dental records.
    "To begin, begin." ~William Wordsworth

  14. #194
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Illinois, USA
    Posts
    25,408

    all I need to know in life I learned from a snowman

    It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.
    Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.
    Wearing white is always appropriate.
    Winter is the best of the four seasons.
    It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.
    There's nothing better than a foul weather friend.
    The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul.
    It's not the size of the carrot, but the placement that counts.
    We're all made up of mostly water.
    You know you've made it when they write a song about you.
    Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!
    Avoid yellow snow. Don't get too much sun.
    It's embarrassing when you can't look down and see your feet.
    It's fun to hang out in your front yard.
    Always put your best foot forward.
    There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.
    I've been Boo'd ... right off the stage!

    Aaahh, I have been defrosted! Thank you, Bonny and Asiel!
    Brrrr, I've been Frosted! Thank you, Asiel and Pomtzu!


    "That's the power of kittens (and puppies too, of course): They can reduce us to quivering masses of Jell-O in about two seconds flat and make us like it. Good thing they don't have opposable thumbs or they'd surely have taken over the world by now." -- Paul Lukas

    Cassie's Catster page: http://www.catster.com/cats/448678

  15. #195
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Illinois, USA
    Posts
    25,408
    A nurse in a hospital was making her morning rounds. She entered Mr. Smith's room and found him finishing his breakfast.

    "How was your breakfast, Mr. Smith?" she asked.

    "Well," he answered, "everything was delicious but I just can't get used to the taste of this Kentucky jelly."

    "'Kentucky jelly'?" replied the nurse. "What is that? Was it on your meal tray?"

    Mr. Smith reached over to the side of his breakfast tray and produced a packet labeled ... KY Jelly.
    I've been Boo'd ... right off the stage!

    Aaahh, I have been defrosted! Thank you, Bonny and Asiel!
    Brrrr, I've been Frosted! Thank you, Asiel and Pomtzu!


    "That's the power of kittens (and puppies too, of course): They can reduce us to quivering masses of Jell-O in about two seconds flat and make us like it. Good thing they don't have opposable thumbs or they'd surely have taken over the world by now." -- Paul Lukas

    Cassie's Catster page: http://www.catster.com/cats/448678

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