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Thread: Our PT joke thread

  1. #151
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    8,558
    A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large,
    threateningly leering biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and
    gulps it down in one swig.

    "Well, watcha gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as the little guy
    bursts into tears.

    "Come on, man," the biker says, " I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t
    stand to see a man crying."

    "This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy.

    "I`m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my boss fired me.
    When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I don't have
    any insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the
    gardener and then my dog bit me.

    "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.

    "I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison
    dissolve. Then a wise-ass like you shows up and drinks the whole thing!"

  2. #152
    Join Date
    Apr 2001
    Location
    indianapolis,indiana usa
    Posts
    22,840
    >
    > A little evening humor...
    >
    > Sitting together on a train was Obama,
    > George Bush Jr., a little
    > old lady, and a young blonde girl with large
    > boobs.
    >
    >
    > The train goes into a dark tunnel and a
    > few seconds later there
    > is the sound of a loud slap. When
    > the train emerges from the tunnel,
    > Bush has a bright red hand print on his
    > cheek.
    >
    > No one speaks.
    >
    >
    > The old lady thinks: Bush must
    > have groped the blonde in the
    > dark, and she slapped him.
    >
    >
    > The blonde girl thinks:
    > Bush must have tried to grope me in
    > the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she
    > slapped him..
    >
    >
    >
    > Bush thinks: Obama must
    > have groped the blonde in the dark.
    > She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > Obama thinks: I can't
    > wait for another tunnel, so I can smack
    > Bush again.
    >
    >
    I've Been Boo'd

    I've been Frosted






    Today is the oldest you've ever been, and the youngest you'll ever be again.

    Eleanor Roosevelt

  3. #153
    Join Date
    Apr 2001
    Location
    indianapolis,indiana usa
    Posts
    22,840
    Warning.......... Sexist Joke Coming. (very funny)


    Don't send a man to the grocery store.


    http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=-YFRUSTiFUs#t=65
    I've Been Boo'd

    I've been Frosted






    Today is the oldest you've ever been, and the youngest you'll ever be again.

    Eleanor Roosevelt

  4. #154
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    Alberta, Canada
    Posts
    21,023
    I've heard her before! She's GREAT!
    "I like physics, but I love cartoons." -- Stephen Hawking

  5. #155
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    8,558
    As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, the young lady waiting in line became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

    Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

    So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time, attempted the step.

    Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

    About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

    She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, " How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'"

    The Texan smiled and drawled, " Well, ma'am, normally, I would agree with you. But after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

  6. #156
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    trenton, new jersey
    Posts
    7,761
    Hi Lizbud,
    That is great!!!! I'm still laughing!!!
    FIND A PURPOSE IN LIFE.....BE A BAD EXAMPLE

  7. #157
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    8,169
    TWENTY DOLLARS


    On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new
    husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

    This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

    Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

    Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million... Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

    She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

    Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

    That's when she shot him.

    You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
    to keep their mouths shut.


    "I'm Back !!"

  8. #158
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Illinois, USA
    Posts
    25,179

    Dihydrogen monoxide April Fool

    Read all the way to the bottom ...

    BAN DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE - THE INVISIBLE KILLER!

    Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year.

    What are the dangers of Dihydrogen Monoxide?

    Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and
    possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

    Dihydrogen Monoxide Facts

    Dihydrogen monoxide:

    is also known as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
    contributes to the Greenhouse Effect.
    may cause severe burns.
    contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
    accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
    may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
    has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

    Dihydrogen Monoxide Alerts

    Contamination is reaching epidemic proportions!

    Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. In the midwest alone DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage.

    Dihydrogen Monoxide Uses

    Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:

    .as an industrial solvent and coolant.
    .in nuclear power plants.
    .in the production of styrofoam.
    .as a fire retardant.
    .in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains
    contaminated by this chemical.
    .as an additive in certain junk-foods and other food products.

    Stop the horror - Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide

    Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

    Some of the products and places where DHMO is used, but which for one reason or another, are not normally made part of public presentations on the dangers to the lives of our family members and friends. Among these startling uses are:

    -as an additive to food products, including jarred baby food and baby formula, and even in many soups, carbonated beverages and supposedly "all-natural" fruit juices
    -in cough medicines and other liquid pharmaceuticals,
    -in spray-on oven cleaners,
    -in shampoos, shaving creams, deodorants and numerous other bathroom products,
    -in bathtub bubble products marketed to children,
    -as a preservative in grocery store fresh produce sections,
    -in the production of beer by all the major beer distributors,
    -in the coffee available at major coffee houses in the US and abroad,
    -in Formula One race cars, although its use is regulated by the Formula One Racing Commission, and
    -as a target of ongoing NASA planetary and stellar research.

    APRIL FOOL! WHAT IS DHMO? You know it better as H2O = water!!!
    Gotcha!! Describing water as dihydrogen monoxide is correct according to chemical nomenclature, but almost never done.

    Check out this utterly serious Web site ...
    http://www.dhmo.org/
    I've been Boo'd ... right off the stage!

    Aaahh, I have been defrosted! Thank you, Bonny and Asiel!
    Brrrr, I've been Frosted! Thank you, Asiel and Pomtzu!


    "That's the power of kittens (and puppies too, of course): They can reduce us to quivering masses of Jell-O in about two seconds flat and make us like it. Good thing they don't have opposable thumbs or they'd surely have taken over the world by now." -- Paul Lukas

    Cassie's Catster page: http://www.catster.com/cats/448678

  9. #159
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    8,169
    Thankyou Elyse.....I really needed that this morning....hee hee


    "I'm Back !!"

  10. #160
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Illinois, USA
    Posts
    25,179
    My pastor told this joke this morning as part of the opening to his sermon on how Easter changes one's life...

    A family from a very rural area are visiting a big city for the first time.

    The father and son are in the hotel lobby, when they notice the gleaming bank of elevators.

    "What's that, Pop?" the boy asks.

    "I've never seen anything like that in my life," answers the father.

    Seconds later an old, frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the elevator. She presses the button with her cane, waits for the doors to open and gets in.

    The father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch.

    They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a gorgeous, smartly dressed young woman.

    The father looks at his son and says, "Son, go get your mom!"
    I've been Boo'd ... right off the stage!

    Aaahh, I have been defrosted! Thank you, Bonny and Asiel!
    Brrrr, I've been Frosted! Thank you, Asiel and Pomtzu!


    "That's the power of kittens (and puppies too, of course): They can reduce us to quivering masses of Jell-O in about two seconds flat and make us like it. Good thing they don't have opposable thumbs or they'd surely have taken over the world by now." -- Paul Lukas

    Cassie's Catster page: http://www.catster.com/cats/448678

  11. #161
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    8,169

    An Easter Joke

    Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter.
    He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

    The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
    St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and wouldn't let her in.

    The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
    St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he wouldn't let her in either.

    The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me.
    " She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover.
    Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him.
    The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ...
    " St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good." Then the blonde continued,
    "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."


    "I'm Back !!"

  12. #162
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Illinois, USA
    Posts
    25,179
    Q. How does the Easter bunny stay fit?
    A. EGG-cercise!
    I've been Boo'd ... right off the stage!

    Aaahh, I have been defrosted! Thank you, Bonny and Asiel!
    Brrrr, I've been Frosted! Thank you, Asiel and Pomtzu!


    "That's the power of kittens (and puppies too, of course): They can reduce us to quivering masses of Jell-O in about two seconds flat and make us like it. Good thing they don't have opposable thumbs or they'd surely have taken over the world by now." -- Paul Lukas

    Cassie's Catster page: http://www.catster.com/cats/448678

  13. #163
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    8,169
    Quote Originally Posted by cassiesmom View Post
    Q. How does the Easter bunny stay fit?
    A. EGG-cercise!
    Oh ha ha


    "I'm Back !!"

  14. #164
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    8,169

    UK Classifieds

    These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:

    FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
    8 years old.
    Hateful little bastard.
    Bites!

    FREE PUPPIES
    1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

    FREE PUPPIES.
    Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
    Father, Super Dog able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

    COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
    Also 1 gay bull for sale.

    JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
    Must sell washer and dryer 100.

    WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
    Worn once by mistake.
    Call Stephanie.

    *** And the WINNER is... ***

    FOR SALE BY OWNER.
    Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
    Excellent condition....200 or best offer.
    No longer needed; got married last month.
    Wife knows everything!


    "I'm Back !!"

  15. #165
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Illinois, USA
    Posts
    25,179

    With apologies to Lilith Cherry...

    A Western business executive visits his dear Chinese friend in hospital. "Li kai yang qi guan," says the ill man feebly. The Westerner desperately wants to help him, but he doesn't speak Mandarin. "Li kai yang qi guan!" says the patient, as he draws his last breath.

    Later that year, the executive is in Shanghai on business when he finally learns the meaning of Li kai yang qi guan: "Get off my oxygen tube."


    (source: Reader's Digest article, "The World's Funniest Jokes")
    I've been Boo'd ... right off the stage!

    Aaahh, I have been defrosted! Thank you, Bonny and Asiel!
    Brrrr, I've been Frosted! Thank you, Asiel and Pomtzu!


    "That's the power of kittens (and puppies too, of course): They can reduce us to quivering masses of Jell-O in about two seconds flat and make us like it. Good thing they don't have opposable thumbs or they'd surely have taken over the world by now." -- Paul Lukas

    Cassie's Catster page: http://www.catster.com/cats/448678

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