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Thread: Our PT joke thread

  1. #121
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
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    Australia
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    8,169

    Newfoundland Logic

    A man and his wife moved back home to Newfoundland, from Toronto.

    The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Ontario was $2000.00 a year!

    When they arrived in Newfoundland, they went to an Insurance agency

    to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

    The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.'



    The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in

    Newfoundland to insure, because it cost him $2000.00 in Ontario !


    The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it
    is on the screen, it says:

    *Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00.*

  2. #122
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    Oct 2006
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    This is a true story.....it happened to me.

    SCAM FOR OLDER MEN - BEWARE





    Clever Scam - taking advantage of older men

    Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. This will only become more commonplace...

    A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Hardware, Home Depot, Canadian Tire or Costco customers, this one caught me by surprise.

    Over the last month, I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works...

    Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.

    You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

    I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also October 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

    So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at Zellers and bought them out.

    Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Home Hardware, Home Depot,Canadian Tire and Costco.

  3. #123
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    8,557
    Yearly Exam

    I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics.

    “How much do you weight?” she asked.
    “145,” I said. The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 190.

    The nurse asked, “Your height?” “5 foot 8,” I said.
    The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5’6”.

    She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.

    “Of course it’s high!” I screamed, “When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I am short and fat!”

    She put me on Prozac.

    What a bitch!

  4. #124
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    Oct 2006
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    Australia
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    8,169

    The Half Wit

    A man owned a small farm in P.E.I.. The Government Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

    "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

    "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

    The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

    Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

    "That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent.

    "That would be me," replied the Farmer.

  5. #125
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    Oct 2006
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    Australia
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    8,169

    An Aussie Love Poem

    An Australian Love Poem
    (Who said Australians weren't romantic?)

    Of course I love ya darlin
    You're a bloody top-notch bird
    And when I say you're gorgeous
    I mean every single word
    So ya bum is on the big side
    I don't mind a bit of flab
    It means that when I'm ready
    There's somethin there to grab
    So your belly isn't flat no more
    I tell ya, I don't care
    So long as when I cuddle ya
    I can get my arms round there
    No Sheila who is your age
    Has nice round perky breasts
    They just gave in to gravity
    But I know ya did ya best
    I'm tellin' ya the truth now
    I never tell ya lies
    I think its very sexy
    That you've got dimples on ya thighs
    I swear on me nanna's grave now
    The moment that we met
    I thought you was as good as
    I was ever gonna get
    No matter what u look like
    I'll always love ya dear
    Now shut up while the footy's on
    And fetch another beer.

  6. #126
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    Alberta, Canada
    Posts
    21,013
    Marrying a Canadian Woman

    The first man married a woman from Houston ,Texas. He told her that she
    was to do the dishes and house cleaning.. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.


    The second man married a woman from South Carolina. He gave his wife
    orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first
    day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the
    third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a
    huge dinner on the table.


    The third man married a girl from CANADA. He ordered her to keep the house
    cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
    "I like physics, but I love cartoons." -- Stephen Hawking

  7. #127
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    Oct 2006
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    Australia
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    Quote Originally Posted by Catty1 View Post
    Marrying a Canadian Woman

    The first man married a woman from Houston ,Texas. He told her that she
    was to do the dishes and house cleaning.. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.


    The second man married a woman from South Carolina. He gave his wife
    orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first
    day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the
    third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a
    huge dinner on the table.


    The third man married a girl from CANADA. He ordered her to keep the house
    cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
    Thanks Candace,
    Your name has now been officially relocated on my "Most Preferred to Marry in the Future" list. You are now at No.86 instead of No.5. Hee hee

  8. #128
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    Aug 2004
    Location
    Alberta, Canada
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    21,013
    Well, Wom, ya know what they say...if ya can't take the heat....
    "I like physics, but I love cartoons." -- Stephen Hawking

  9. #129
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Illinois, USA
    Posts
    25,150
    Every ten years the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by, and it's one monk's first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, "Food bad."

    Ten years later, he says, "Bed hard."

    It's the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare, and says, "I quit."

    "I'm not surprised," the head monk answers. "You've been complaining ever since you got here."

    -----
    And one of my all-time favorite Cubs jokes:
    A wicked Chicago man died and went to the place all wicked people go. The Devil decided to shove him in a room and cranked the heat and humidity up. The man smiled. When the Evil One asked why the man was smiling, he said, "Why, it's just like Chicago in spring."

    So the Most Evil One cranked up the heat and humidity more. The man removed his coat, smiled, and said, "No problem, this is exactly like Chicago in summer."

    This time the Destroyer of Beauty cranked the heat and humidity to maximum. The man removed his shirt and tie and said, "Hey, it's just like Chicago in August!"

    The Devil then got an idea. He shut off the heat and turned on the air conditioning. The room froze in seconds. Ice was everywhere. Polar bears hid in dens because it was so cold. Satan, confident he had finally won, peeked in the man's room only to find the man cheering and partying frantically....

    "The Cubs won the World Series! The Cubs won the World Series!"
    I've been Boo'd ... right off the stage!

    Aaahh, I have been defrosted! Thank you, Bonny and Asiel!
    Brrrr, I've been Frosted! Thank you, Asiel and Pomtzu!


    "That's the power of kittens (and puppies too, of course): They can reduce us to quivering masses of Jell-O in about two seconds flat and make us like it. Good thing they don't have opposable thumbs or they'd surely have taken over the world by now." -- Paul Lukas

    Cassie's Catster page: http://www.catster.com/cats/448678

  10. #130
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    Oct 2006
    Location
    Australia
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    Women Drivers !!!!!

    I know everyone reading this will enjoy it - no matter which sex you
    are.
    This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds,
    and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

    As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped
    my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
    In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cellphone away from my ear
    which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
    Women drivers!! Humpffff !!!!

  11. #131
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    Oct 2006
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    Australia
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    When a woman will lie.

    When a woman Will Lie

    One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

    "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No.."
    The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

    "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
    The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

    "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes.." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.



    Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?'' "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

    The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband? The Lord asked.

    "Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said "no" to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

    Then if I said "no" to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said "yes," you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said "yes" to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him.

    The moral of this story is:

    Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

    Signed,
    All Us Women

  12. #132
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    Location
    Kentucky, LAND OF THE EASILY AMUSED
    Posts
    24,850
    I was traveling with my friend to Las Vegas and we were in the middle of the desert when my friend turned to me and said that he had to go to the bathroom rather badly.

    I asked if he could wait for a few miles to get to the rest stop. He agreed.

    About five minutes later he turned to me an with a rather painful look on his face, asked me to pull over and he'd run out to a bush and do his business. I agreed and began to look for an appropriate place to let him out.

    He was fidgeting like mad when I finally saw a large bush off in the distance.

    I pulled off the side of the road and he practically exploded from the car. He took a few steps, turned and asked me if I had some toilet paper. I didn't.

    I told him to use a dollar that he had brought along to gamble with.

    With that help, he disappeared behind the shrub only to reappear a few minutes later looking at his hand while flicking it towards the ground.

    I watched with interest as he approached the car and got in.

    I looked at his hand, which was covered in poop, I asked him how he ended up like that.

    "I took your advice and used a dollar" he answered, "The first three quarters worked fine, I got into trouble with the two dimes and the nickel......."

  13. #133
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    Oct 2006
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
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    When someone rains on your day !!!!!

    A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

    " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

    "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

    "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

    "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome'sTiber River called Teste."

    "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

    "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

    "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

    A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

    "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
    And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

    "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

    "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
    Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

    "Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

    He said: "Where did you get the crappy hair-do?"

  14. #134
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
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    Kentucky, LAND OF THE EASILY AMUSED
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    LOL, good one!

    --------------


    Why do bagpiper's walk while they play?


    To get away from the noise!

  15. #135
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Australia
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    This ought to make all grandpas feel warm and fuzzy.

    A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

    When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room.

    "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

    "What?" said her Grandpa..

    "Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land!”

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