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Thread: Our PT joke thread

  1. #16
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    County Kildare, Ireland
    Posts
    549

    Brave Men

    Brave Men Jokes

    What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

    The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling
    of
    perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're
    next,
    fatty."

    ********************************




    A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she
    selected 2
    litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange
    juice, a
    head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee
    and a
    250g pack of bacon. As she was unloading her items on theconveyor
    belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she
    placed
    the items in front of the cashier.
    While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk
    calmly
    stated," You must be single."
    The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
    intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed
    single.
    She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing
    particularly
    unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the
    drunk to
    her marital status.
    Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know
    what,
    you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
    The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."
    Last edited by jackmilliesmom; 08-27-2007 at 03:27 AM.
    jackmilliesmom

    Thanks to Michelle (Kittycats_Delight) for my wonderful
    cheerful and special signature and avatar!!!!!!

    **I'VE BEEN FROSTED**

  2. #17
    Join Date
    Dec 2001
    Location
    Copenhagen, Denmark - GMT+1
    Posts
    14,800

    Never talk to the parrot!

    Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"

    Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

    As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"

    To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"
    Randi



    "I don't know which weapons will be used in the third World war, but in the fourth, it will be sticks and stones" --- Albert Einstein.


  3. #18
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Location
    San Jose, CA
    Posts
    5,315
    Dear Technical Support,
    I have recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all system activity including Applications such as Poker Night 10.2, Football 5.0 and Pub 7.5. I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favourite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but the uninstall program doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
    Dear Troubled User
    This is a very common program that men install and complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an Operating System and is designed by its creator to run EVERYTHING! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to block this. Look in the Wife 1.0 user manual under Warnings: Assets, Alimony & Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command “c:\apologize” because ultimately you will have to give the Apologize command before the system will operate as normal.
    Wife 1.0 does have some advantages but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several useful support utilities such as ‘Clean and Sweep 3.0’, ‘Cook It 5.1’ and ‘Do Bills 4.2’. However be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program ‘Nag Nag 9.5’. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software such as ‘Flowers 2.1’ or ‘Diamonds 5.3’.
    WARNING!!! Do not, under any circumstances, install ‘Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3’. This application is completely incompatible with Wife 1.0 and is not supported. It will cause irreversible damage to the operating system and require a complete rebuild of your system.
    Best of luck,
    Tech. Support.

    Thank you Wolf_Q!

  4. #19
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Location
    San Jose, CA
    Posts
    5,315
    A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listento me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.' ************************************************** *************
    Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

    Thank you Wolf_Q!

  5. #20
    AH HAHAHAHAHAHA Oh man some of these jokes are good.

    My customers here must think I am nuts. I am giggling out loud.... I can't help it. Too funny.

    I especially like the "cos you're ugly" one lol that's funny.

    And the egg flipping one lol




    R.I.P my dear Sweet Teddy. You will be missed forever. We love you.

    http://www.hannahshands.etsy.com

  6. #21
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Vicenza, Italy
    Posts
    5,538

    My Turn

    SNIFFER

    A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

    The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.
    The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and the dog is a "sniffing dog". His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

    The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says "Watch this. He tells Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for a several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I 'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

    "Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

    Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I m making a note of his seat number for the police."

    "I like it!" says his seat mate.

    The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while,sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent,
    "What's going on?"

    The agent nervously replied,
    "He just found a bomb!"


    My rainbow bridge babies have forever left their paw prints on my heart.
    Lilith & Vixen, taken too soon. I love you always.


    Signatures, avatars & blinkies if anyone wants one pm me with color,
    font and background preference and with pics and names of pets.

    Lilith's Catster Page Vixen's Catster Page


    Vote for my furry ones on the cat & dog channels
    Vixen, Bella, Vega, Frost, Phoenix & Artica


  7. #22
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Vicenza, Italy
    Posts
    5,538
    Dinner With The Girlfriend

    A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist,
    "Hello, could you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!"
    The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out, he returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too.She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too."
    The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says,"Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute andwhen she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move!
    During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him.
    When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us".
    A minute later the boy is still praying;
    "Thank you Lord for your kindness."
    Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious."
    The boy replies,
    "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"


    My rainbow bridge babies have forever left their paw prints on my heart.
    Lilith & Vixen, taken too soon. I love you always.


    Signatures, avatars & blinkies if anyone wants one pm me with color,
    font and background preference and with pics and names of pets.

    Lilith's Catster Page Vixen's Catster Page


    Vote for my furry ones on the cat & dog channels
    Vixen, Bella, Vega, Frost, Phoenix & Artica


  8. #23
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Vicenza, Italy
    Posts
    5,538
    Quote Originally Posted by CathyBogart
    Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

    This one is fabulous. I have to forward it to my uncle who is retired from the army. Too funny. I loved it.


    My rainbow bridge babies have forever left their paw prints on my heart.
    Lilith & Vixen, taken too soon. I love you always.


    Signatures, avatars & blinkies if anyone wants one pm me with color,
    font and background preference and with pics and names of pets.

    Lilith's Catster Page Vixen's Catster Page


    Vote for my furry ones on the cat & dog channels
    Vixen, Bella, Vega, Frost, Phoenix & Artica


  9. #24
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Location
    San Jose, CA
    Posts
    5,315
    A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs
    the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is
    just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he
    can, with love and compassion.

    After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad
    takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and
    orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar
    patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in
    disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.


    Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then
    bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink
    again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"

    The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip!
    Plop!! Two arms pop out.

    The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to
    drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another
    drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to
    polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the
    amazing scenes.


    By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches
    down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two
    legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.


    The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy
    stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to
    the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs
    over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.


    The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,

    *

    *

    *


    (Wait for it)

    *


    *

    *

    (Ya ready?)

    *

    *

    *

    (Don't hate me)


    *

    *

    *
    "He should've quit when he was a head!"

    Thank you Wolf_Q!

  10. #25
    Quote Originally Posted by CathyBogart
    "He should've quit when he was a head!"
    LMAO. nice

    here's my contribution. not really a joke, but a witty saying.

    "Every dog has its day, only a dog with a broken tail has a weak-end"

  11. #26
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Location
    San Jose, CA
    Posts
    5,315
    MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE



    A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

    "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

    Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

    After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."

    *******************************
    MALE PROCEDURE:

    1. Drive up to the cash machine.

    2. Put down your car window.

    3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

    4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

    5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

    6. Put window up.

    7. Drive off.

    *******************************
    FEMALE PROCEDURE:

    1. Drive up to cash machine.

    2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

    3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

    4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

    5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

    6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

    7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

    8. Insert card.

    9. Re-insert card the right way.

    10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

    11. Enter PIN.

    12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

    13. Enter amount of cash required.

    14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

    15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

    16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

    17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

    18. Re-check makeup.

    19. Drive forward 2 feet.

    20. Reverse back to cash machine.

    21. Retrieve card.

    22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
    holder, and place card into the slot provided!

    23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

    24. Restart stalled
    engine and pull off.

    25. Redial person on cell phone.

    26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

    27. Release Parking Brake.

    Thank you Wolf_Q!

  12. #27
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Location
    San Jose, CA
    Posts
    5,315
    Larry was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds? AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

    The next morning Larry got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a wrapped gift box in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

    Larry has been missing since Friday.

    Thank you Wolf_Q!

  13. #28
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Location
    San Jose, CA
    Posts
    5,315
    FALL CLASSES FOR MEN
    REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, October 23, 2007
    NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
    OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
    Classes begin Monday, October 30, 2007

    Class 1
    How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
    Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .

    Class 2
    The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
    Round Table Discussion.
    Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

    Class 3
    Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
    Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
    Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

    Class 4
    Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
    Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
    Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

    Class 5
    After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
    Examples on Video.
    Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

    Class 6
    Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
    Help Line Support and Support Groups.
    Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.

    Class 7
    Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
    And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
    Open Forum.
    Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

    Class 8
    Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
    Graphics and Audio Tapes.
    Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

    Class 9
    Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
    Tuesday at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

    Class 10
    Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
    Driving Simulations.
    4 weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.

    Class 11
    Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
    Online Classes and role-playing .
    Tuesday at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

    Class 12
    How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
    Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
    Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours ! Beginning at 7 :00 PM.

    Class 13
    How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You 're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
    Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

    Class 14
    The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
    Live Demonstration.
    Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
    Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

    Thank you Wolf_Q!

  14. #29
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Location
    San Jose, CA
    Posts
    5,315
    Just one more...sorry, got a bit carried away.

    FALL CLASSES FOR WOMEN
    REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, October 23, 2007
    NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
    OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
    Classes begin Monday, October 30, 2007

    Class 1
    How To be quiet while the TV is on
    Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .

    Class 2
    Spiders, physical dimensions and fragility.
    Extermination techniques demonstrated, (Shoes and brooms available for rental).
    Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

    Class 3
    Mirrors, how they work, use of Spouse to dispute
    Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

    Class 4
    Being a passenger, how to refrain from critiques, The proper way to be invisible.
    Advanced course on restraint from adjusting the stereo
    Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

    Class 5
    Refrigerator Storage and priority.
    Beer temperatures explained
    Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

    Class 6
    Tolerance, understanding that your spouse is compelled to ogle young women.
    Explanations and diagrams disputing that looking at young tight bodied men is not the same for you.
    Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.

    Class 7
    Tools, hazards and dangers of use without direct supervision.
    first quarter explaining how to identify a Phillips screwdriver
    Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

    Class 8
    Driving, returning home with the car in the same condition it left.
    Cell phones are not a head rest explained.
    Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

    Thank you Wolf_Q!

  15. #30
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Location
    San Jose, CA
    Posts
    5,315
    The evolution in teaching math since the 1950s

    Teaching Math In 1950
    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

    Teaching Math In 1960
    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

    Teaching Math In 1970
    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80.
    Did he make a profit?

    Teaching Math In 1980
    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20
    Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

    Teaching Math In 1990
    A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.
    What do you think of this way of making a living?
    Topic for class participation after answering the question:
    How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?
    (There are no wrong answers.)

    Teaching Math In 2006
    Un ranchero vende una carretera de maderapara $100. El cuesto de la produccion era $80. Cuantos tortillas se puede comprar?

    Thank you Wolf_Q!

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