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Thread: Bears In Bars

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    8,169

    Bears In Bars

    A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on
    the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
    The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
    The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to
    belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
    The bear, very angry now says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
    The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears
    in bars in Billings."
    The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman.
    He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
    The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully
    bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
    The bear says, " I'm NOT on drugs."
    (...You're gonna love this...)

    The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    NE Pa.
    Posts
    3,190
    ROFL!!!!!
    thanks I needed that!
    Give the Wombat a beer and skip the bears beer!
    Merry Holidays to One an All Blessed be

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Virginia US
    Posts
    5,037
    Ohhhhhhhhhhhh Lord.. Roflmbo.. Lolllllll..

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    8,169

    This one is for the girls !!!!

    "This One is For The Girls"

    When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women,
    so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check
    for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
    Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the
    woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It
    doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!
    The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom,
    no doubt) is handy, but empty.

    You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there
    isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck,
    (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down
    your pants and assume "The Stance." In this position your aging, toneless
    thigh
    muscles begin to shake.You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't
    taken
    time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."
    To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you
    discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you
    can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the
    seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake
    more.
    You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on
    yesterday -the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around
    your neck,
    that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same
    time). That
    would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still
    smaller than your thumbnail. Someone pushes your door open because the
    latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your
    neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against
    the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door,
    dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor,
    lose
    your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It
    is
    wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late Your
    bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the
    uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper- not that
    there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that
    your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain
    her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear,
    "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."
    By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused
    that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose
    against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that Shoots
    up Your Bum, and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow
    sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet
    paper
    dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At this point you give up.
    You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're
    exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your
    pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure
    out
    how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your
    hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women, still
    waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at
    the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from
    your shoe.
    (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from
    your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you
    just
    might need this."
    As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered,
    used and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so
    long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

    This is When You Remember In Highschool, Your GYM Teacher,
    Showing You How, and Where to Kick a Molester, Rapist, or
    Purse Snatcher..................

    This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public
    restrooms (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the
    men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly
    asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so
    the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex
    under the door!

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    Ontario, Canada
    Posts
    255
    No wonder my Tech Design teacher (a woman) wanted us to design a public washroom for the design competition .

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    NE Pa.
    Posts
    3,190
    I have that one in email and you have no IDEA how close to the truth it is!
    Merry Holidays to One an All Blessed be

  7. #7
    Wombat you always make me laugh.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Aquidneck Island
    Posts
    8,330
    OMG, ROTFLMAO!!!
    Who told you?

  9. #9
    Two pieces of string walk into the bar in Billings, and seeing the bear at the bar figure it's a fairly open bar. However, the bartender looks at them suspiciously. He says "Sorry, boys, we don't serve your kind here." So the pieces of string walk out again.

    They're sitting in the gutter outside and feeling really thirsty when one piece of string says "Hey! I've got an idea to get me into the bar."

    So he starts twisting and turning, wriggling this way and that, pulling out a few threads here and there. His mate's looking at him and thinks he's gone completely nuts.

    Then the piece of string walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him a little suspiciously again and says "Here, you're not a bit of string, are you?"

    The piece of string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot."

  10. #10
    Ha ha ha, that's insane.

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