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Thread: joke thread

  1. #121
    Join Date
    May 2001
    Location
    Stockton, CA
    Posts
    8,687
    IRISH POTATOES

    An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work.
    His only son, who would have helped him, was in Long Kesh Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.


    Shortly after sending the letter, the father received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the GUNS!"


    At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up with shovels and dug up the entire garden. They found no munitions.


    Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened.

    His son's reply was: "Best I could do from here. Now plant your potatoes."
    I'm sometimes asked "Why do you spend so much of your time and money talking about kindness to animals when there is so much cruelty to men?" I answer: "I am working at the roots." -George T. Angell, reformer (1823-1909)



    Thank you, Popcornbird for creating this tribute to Summer starring Livvy and Cassy

    Livvy: 11 April 99 - 5 July 09
    Cassy: 11 July 99 - 8 April 11

    If you would like to visit my BeautiConsultant page --
    http://www.beautipage.com/serene_angel_hm_spa/

  2. #122
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    Santa Clara, CA
    Posts
    27,644
    They were all so funny.
    Owned by Sky, Pearl, Ziggy Stardust, Alani, Blaze, Colby, Finnegan, and Summer.


    My Rainbow Bridge Babies:
    RB Pepper 3/17/97- 2/3/03 RIP Sweet Pepper
    RB Starr 3/22/05- 7/1/09 RIP Sweet Starr
    RB Sunny 8/25/00- 2/28/10 RIP Sweet Sunny
    RB Storm 1/11/96- 8/2/12 RIP Sweet Storm

  3. #123
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    Ohio, USA
    Posts
    19,899
    The Old Man and the Sea
    A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
    The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".
    "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
    "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."
    "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?
    "A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.
    "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.
    "Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook."

    Huney, Bon & Simba-missed so very much
    Remembering all the Rainbow Bridge Pets

  4. #124
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    Santa Clara, CA
    Posts
    27,644

    Too Good Not To Pass Along

    • A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp.
    • She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo and behold a Genie appeared.
    • The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope...due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So what'll it be?
    • The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "Iwant peace in the Middle East.
    • See the map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
    • The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not that good!
    • I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
    • The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well I've never been able to find the right man.
    • You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the house cleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful.
    • That's what I wish for-a good mate."
    • The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that f*ckin' map."
    Owned by Sky, Pearl, Ziggy Stardust, Alani, Blaze, Colby, Finnegan, and Summer.


    My Rainbow Bridge Babies:
    RB Pepper 3/17/97- 2/3/03 RIP Sweet Pepper
    RB Starr 3/22/05- 7/1/09 RIP Sweet Starr
    RB Sunny 8/25/00- 2/28/10 RIP Sweet Sunny
    RB Storm 1/11/96- 8/2/12 RIP Sweet Storm

  5. #125
    Join Date
    Jul 2000
    Location
    New York, NY
    Posts
    1,533
    Funny!!
    ~eLLeN~

    "Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened." ~~Anatole France~~

  6. #126
    Join Date
    Oct 2000
    Location
    Los Angeles, CA USA
    Posts
    12,031

    TENDJEWBERRYMUD

    The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room- service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.

    Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
    Guest: (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room service"

    RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
    G: "uh, yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"

    RS: "Ow July den?"
    G: "What?"

    RS: "Ow July den? pry, boy, pooch?"
    G: "oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

    RS: "Ow July dee baychem..crease?"
    G" Crisp will be fine."

    RS:"Hokay. An San tos?"
    G: "What?"

    RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
    G: "I don't think so"

    RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
    G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo one toes means."

    RS: "Toes! toes! why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
    G: "English muffin! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, and English muffin will be fine."

    RS: "we bother?"
    G: "no, just put the bother on the side."

    RS: "Wad?"
    G: "I mean butter...just put in on the side."

    RS: "Copy?"
    G: "Sorry?"

    RS: "Copy...tea..mill?"
    G: "Yes, Coffee please, and that's all."

    RS: "One minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache. crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy...rye??"
    G: "Whatever you say"

    RS: Tendjewberrymud"
    G: "you're welcome"

  7. #127
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Stockport. England
    Posts
    4,331
    OH ROTFLMAO - THESE JUST GET FUNNIER AND FUNNIER

    Lynne

  8. #128
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    Ohio, USA
    Posts
    19,899
    I just love this one

    A missionary met a lion as he was walking from one village to another.
    The missionary fell to his knees and buried his face in his hands. Nothing seemed to be happening; the lion was silent. The missionary peeped through his fingers and saw the lion on its knees, its face buried in his paws. The missionary in a trembling voice, I am praying to be delivered from the jaws of death. But what on earth are you doing?
    The lion growled, Im saying grace.

    Huney, Bon & Simba-missed so very much
    Remembering all the Rainbow Bridge Pets

  9. #129
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    Santa Clara, CA
    Posts
    27,644
    Great jokes everyone.
    Owned by Sky, Pearl, Ziggy Stardust, Alani, Blaze, Colby, Finnegan, and Summer.


    My Rainbow Bridge Babies:
    RB Pepper 3/17/97- 2/3/03 RIP Sweet Pepper
    RB Starr 3/22/05- 7/1/09 RIP Sweet Starr
    RB Sunny 8/25/00- 2/28/10 RIP Sweet Sunny
    RB Storm 1/11/96- 8/2/12 RIP Sweet Storm

  10. #130
    Former User Guest

    Top Ten Signs Your Dog Is More Intelligent Than You


    10. Neighbors complain about loud music and howling coming from your apartment in the middle of the day.

    9. You find mysterious sculpture of a human (who looks strikingly like you) on a leash in your living room.

    8. Ice floating in toilet water.

    7. Neighborhood cats bring dog treats to your doorstep.

    6. Friends swear they've seen your car at the local meat-processing plant.

    5. You can never find the leftovers.

    4. The remote is covered with slobber, and the TV was left on The Nature Channel.

    3. The dog doesn't lick itself anymore... now it's the cat's job.

    2. Mensa mailings addressed to "Rover".

    1. Your apartment keys no longer work.

  11. #131
    Former User Guest

    Funny signs

    In the window of a Swedish furrier:
    Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.


    Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
    Stop: Drive Sideaways.


    In a Swiss mountain inn:
    Special today - no ice cream.


    In a Tokyo bar:
    Special coctails for the ladies with the nuts.


    In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
    We take your bags and send them in all directions.


    In a Norwegian coctail lounge:
    Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.


    At a Budapest zoo:
    Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the
    guard on duty.


    In an Acapulco hotel:
    The manager has personally passed all the water served here.


    Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
    - English well talking.
    - Here speeching American.


    In a Tokyo hotel:
    Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such
    thing is please not to read notis.


    In another Japanese hotel room:
    Please to bathe inside the tub.

  12. #132
    Join Date
    Feb 2002
    Location
    Georgia, USA
    Posts
    5,945
    LOL LOL LOL LOL EVERYBODY
    [CENTER]

    Alden is here!!
    7/6/2006 - 9 pounds 9 ounces 22 inches


    Tinky

  13. #133
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    Santa Clara, CA
    Posts
    27,644
    I agree.
    Owned by Sky, Pearl, Ziggy Stardust, Alani, Blaze, Colby, Finnegan, and Summer.


    My Rainbow Bridge Babies:
    RB Pepper 3/17/97- 2/3/03 RIP Sweet Pepper
    RB Starr 3/22/05- 7/1/09 RIP Sweet Starr
    RB Sunny 8/25/00- 2/28/10 RIP Sweet Sunny
    RB Storm 1/11/96- 8/2/12 RIP Sweet Storm

  14. #134
    Former User Guest

    Baby Baby


    Four expectant fathers were in a Minnesota hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations, You're the father of twins."
    "What a coincidence!" the man exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"
    The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."
    "Wow, what a coincidence!" he replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation."
    When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.
    "Another coincidence!" he tells her. "I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"
    At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask him what was wrong.

    He moans, "I work for Seven-Eleven!"

  15. #135
    Former User Guest

    Enchanted Frog


    Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel happy doing so."

    That night the princess dined on frog's legs, laughing to herself and saying, "I don't think so."

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