View Poll Results: Do you like the idea of a joke thread?

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  • Yes

    148 86.05%
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    24 13.95%
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Thread: joke thread

  1. #1276
    Join Date
    Dec 2001
    Location
    canada ontario
    Posts
    809
    great Ida
    Hi all cat lovers have a nice day. chack out my meassge Board at
    http://orangeangelcat.proboards22.com/index.cgi

  2. #1277
    Join Date
    May 2001
    Location
    Stockton, CA
    Posts
    8,687
    Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

    The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

    The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

    The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

    The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

    But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
    I'm sometimes asked "Why do you spend so much of your time and money talking about kindness to animals when there is so much cruelty to men?" I answer: "I am working at the roots." -George T. Angell, reformer (1823-1909)



    Thank you, Popcornbird for creating this tribute to Summer starring Livvy and Cassy

    Livvy: 11 April 99 - 5 July 09
    Cassy: 11 July 99 - 8 April 11

    If you would like to visit my BeautiConsultant page --
    http://www.beautipage.com/serene_angel_hm_spa/

  3. #1278
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Ap Jct Arizona
    Posts
    2,233
    I like the joke thread, lol..lol..have to find a couple of my favorites..



  4. #1279
    Join Date
    May 2001
    Location
    Stockton, CA
    Posts
    8,687
    Top Ten Signs Your Cat Is Too Fat
    Courtesy of The Late Show With David Letterman

    10. Gets winded purring

    9. Instead of trying to run from dogs, sits on them

    8. The Maury people call every darn hour

    7. Ears perk up whenever you mention Wendy's Free Fixin's Bar

    6. He used 8 lives on heart attacks

    5. Cat carrier is a Ford Escort

    4. Richard Simmons' cat staged intervention

    3. Can only wear cute sweaters from the Big and Tall Kitty Shop

    2. Litter box so huge, it has nude bathing section

    1. Instead of "meow" he says, "mayo"
    I'm sometimes asked "Why do you spend so much of your time and money talking about kindness to animals when there is so much cruelty to men?" I answer: "I am working at the roots." -George T. Angell, reformer (1823-1909)



    Thank you, Popcornbird for creating this tribute to Summer starring Livvy and Cassy

    Livvy: 11 April 99 - 5 July 09
    Cassy: 11 July 99 - 8 April 11

    If you would like to visit my BeautiConsultant page --
    http://www.beautipage.com/serene_angel_hm_spa/

  5. #1280
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    Dorset, England
    Posts
    3,327
    A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.

    Bear says: "If I roar in the forests of North America, the entire forest
    shivers with fear."

    Lion says: "And if I roar on the great plains of Africa, the entire
    savannah is afraid of me."

    Says the chicken: "Big deal. I only have to cough, and the entire planet
    panics."

    thanks k9krazee for the signature!

  6. #1281
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    California
    Posts
    6,606
    I thought this needed to be bumped up.. too funny. I have a joke to add as well. Not sure if this has been posted yet.

    ...

    During the war in Iraq, one of George Bush's assistants walks into his office and sadly tells him, "Unfortunatly, three Brazilian men were killed in Iraq today."

    Bush puts his head down on the table and moans. One assistant tells the other, "Wow, we've lost tons of men in Iraq already. I've never seen him this reactive to the news."

    The first assistant asks Bush, "We've lost many men. Why are you so devastated this time?"

    Bush slowly lifts his head and sadly asks, "How many is a Brazilian?"

  7. #1282
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    4,725

  8. #1283
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    St.John's,Newfoundland,Canada
    Posts
    2,212
    This Thread is sooooo funny!







    Felix's Catster Page- http://www.catster.com/?150963

    Felix's Website Page- http://www.felinefelix.piczo.com

    Beer's Dogster Page- http://www.dogster.com/?168340

  9. #1284
    Join Date
    Sep 2000
    Location
    Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
    Posts
    5,207
    I received this today, and have received them before ..... but thought I would share

    1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

    *

    2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

    *

    3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    *

    4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

    *

    5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

    *

    6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

    *

    7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

    *

    8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

    *

    9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,is it considered a hostage situation?

    *

    0. Is there another word for synonym?

    *

    11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

    *

    12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

    *

    13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

    *

    14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

    *

    15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

    *

    16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

    *

    17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

    *

    18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

    *

    19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

    *

    20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

    *

    21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

    *

    22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

    *

    23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

    *

    24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

    *

    25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

    *

    26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

    *

    27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

    *

    28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

    *

    29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

    *

    30. Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "a$$teroids"?

    *

    31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

    *

    32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

    *

    33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

    *

    34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
    M!
    "No dog is born either vicious or friendly, but rather a blank slate that is moulded, for better or worse, by the owner."

  10. #1285
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    Dorset, England
    Posts
    3,327

    Computer Problems

    Don't feel stupid about using your computer - read on. This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:

    1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the Any Key is.

    2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

    3. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

    4. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

    5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

    6. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

    7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse.

    8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

    9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

    10. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.

    11. True story from a Novell NetWare Sysop:

    Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
    Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
    Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
    Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
    Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
    Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
    Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it."

    At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard.

    The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.

    12. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

    13.
    Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
    Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
    Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
    Customer: "What do you mean?"
    Tech: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
    Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

    Now, don't you feel better about your skill level?

    thanks k9krazee for the signature!

  11. #1286
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Charlotte, Michigan
    Posts
    4,778
    I sure did enjoy reading the joke thread at Pet Talk,.Glad someone started it.

    I'll be back with a joke or two to share .

    Laughter is the worlds best medicine!!!!!!

  12. #1287
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    Dorset, England
    Posts
    3,327

    Marketing

    You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
    You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry
    me!"
    That's Direct Marketing

    You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a
    gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her
    and
    pointing at you says "He's very rich. Marry him."
    That's Advertising.

    You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
    You go up to her and get her telephone number.
    The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich.
    Marry me."
    That's Telemarketing.

    You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
    You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to
    her and pour her a drink.
    You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she
    drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way,
    I'm very rich "Will you marry me?"
    That's Public Relations.

    You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
    She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich, I
    want to marry you."
    That's Brand Recognition.

    You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
    You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me"
    She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
    That's Customer Feedback

    thanks k9krazee for the signature!

  13. #1288
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Up North. Where all your troubles freeze and fall off.
    Posts
    3,131
    LOL great jokes everyone !
    STILL AVAILABLE BY E-MAIL

  14. #1289
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Belgium, near Ghent
    Posts
    12,662
    Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

    His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

    Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

    They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"

    I lied about my age", Bob replies.

    "What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

    "No I told her I was 90."

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