View Poll Results: Do you like the idea of a joke thread?

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Thread: joke thread

  1. #91
    Join Date
    Apr 2001
    Location
    indianapolis,indiana usa
    Posts
    22,855
    Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad
    skydiver?
    A bad golfer goes whack, damn! A bad skydiver goes
    damn, whack!

    How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
    Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

    Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
    Because it scares the dog.

  2. #92
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    Ohio, USA
    Posts
    19,899
    A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
    The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!
    She stormed past the store to her work.
    On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.
    The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
    The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
    When the lady walked past the store that day after work theparrot called to her, "Hey lady."
    She paused and said,"Yes?"
    The bird said, "You know."

    Huney, Bon & Simba-missed so very much
    Remembering all the Rainbow Bridge Pets

  3. #93
    Join Date
    Apr 2001
    Location
    indianapolis,indiana usa
    Posts
    22,855
    Anna_66,

    ROTFLOL... FUNNY !!!

  4. #94
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    Santa Clara, CA
    Posts
    27,653
    Great jokes everyone.
    Owned by Sky, Pearl, Ziggy Stardust, Alani, Blaze, Colby, Finnegan, and Summer.


    My Rainbow Bridge Babies:
    RB Pepper 3/17/97- 2/3/03 RIP Sweet Pepper
    RB Starr 3/22/05- 7/1/09 RIP Sweet Starr
    RB Sunny 8/25/00- 2/28/10 RIP Sweet Sunny
    RB Storm 1/11/96- 8/2/12 RIP Sweet Storm

  5. #95
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Stockport. England
    Posts
    4,331




    Lynne

  6. #96
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    Ohio, USA
    Posts
    19,899
    Two brothers were always getting into trouble in their neighborhood. The people in the neighborhood started complaining to the parents about the boys. So the boys parents decided to have their priest talk to the boys. The priest asks to speak to the boys alone, requesting to see the youngest first. The young boy comes in and sits at a large table across the room from the priest. The priest looks at the boy, points at him and, trying to emphasize that God is in everyone, asks, "Where is God?" The boy looks around the room and back at the priest and says nothing. Again, the priest points at the boy and in a louder voice asks, "Where is God?" The boy says nothing. The priest walks around the table, pointing inches from the boy’s face and asks again, "Where is God?" The boy jumps out of his chair and runs out the door. The boy runs right home, grabs his older brother and says to him, "We are in BIG trouble!" His brother replies, "We haven't done anything!" The younger brother
    replies, "God's missing, and they think we did it!"

    Huney, Bon & Simba-missed so very much
    Remembering all the Rainbow Bridge Pets

  7. #97
    Join Date
    Oct 2000
    Location
    Los Angeles, CA USA
    Posts
    12,031
    All of these are so

  8. #98
    Join Date
    May 2001
    Location
    Stockton, CA
    Posts
    8,687

    Idiots exist ---not quite a joke

    HIGHER INTELLIGENCE.
    AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package.

    Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

    WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS!
    Police in Oakland, California spent 2 hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up".

    WHAT WAS PLAN B???
    An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

    THE GETAWAY!
    A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

    DID I SAY THAT???
    Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "that's not what I said!"

    ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
    A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

    Not the Sharpest knife in the drawer!
    In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately,he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

    THE GRAND FINALE
    This is a true story!
    Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California,some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted over to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
    REMEMBER, THIS IS TRUE.....
    Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
    I'm sometimes asked "Why do you spend so much of your time and money talking about kindness to animals when there is so much cruelty to men?" I answer: "I am working at the roots." -George T. Angell, reformer (1823-1909)



    Thank you, Popcornbird for creating this tribute to Summer starring Livvy and Cassy

    Livvy: 11 April 99 - 5 July 09
    Cassy: 11 July 99 - 8 April 11

    If you would like to visit my BeautiConsultant page --
    http://www.beautipage.com/serene_angel_hm_spa/

  9. #99
    Join Date
    Oct 2000
    Location
    Wichita Falls, TX U.S.A.
    Posts
    4,481

    Re: BLOND JOKES

    Originally posted by Casper & Kitty
    Q: Why did the blonde only change her baby's diapers once a month?
    A: Because the box said "up to 20 pounds.
    ---------------------------
    OMG, Niina this is HILARIOUS! All these jokes are absolutely wonderful but I have to say this one is one of my favorites It's SO funny and gross

    A blond walked into a bar holding a pile of dog poo in her hand. Releved, she said to the other customers, "phew, look what I almost stepped in".

  10. #100
    Join Date
    Dec 2001
    Location
    Copenhagen, Denmark - GMT+1
    Posts
    14,839

    Soap!!

    Those "Free" Soaps When Traveling

    Attached is some correspondence that actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of its guests.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Dear Maid,

    Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

    Thank you,

    S. Berman
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Dear Room 635,

    I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

    Kathy, Relief Maid
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.

    Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.

    S. Berman
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Dear Mr. Berman,

    My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.

    Your regular maid,

    Dotty
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Dear Mr. Berman,

    The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.

    Elaine Carmen
    Housekeeper
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Dear Miss Carmen,

    It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

    S. Berman
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Dear Mr. Berman,

    Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,

    Elaine Carmen,
    Housekeeper
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Dear Mr. Kensedder,

    My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

    S. Berman
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Dear Mr. Berman,

    I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

    Martin L. Kensedder
    Assistant Manager
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Dear Mrs. Carmen,

    Who the heck left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my ONE bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.

    S. Berman
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Dear Mr. Berman,

    You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays, which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory, which I left in your room.

    Elaine Carmen
    Housekeeper
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Dear Mrs. Carmen,

    Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess

    - On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

    - On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.

    - On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.

    - Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

    - In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.

    - On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.

    - On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

    Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

    S. Berman





    "I don't know which weapons will be used in the third World war, but in the fourth, it will be sticks and stones" --- Albert Einstein.


  11. #101
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    Ohio, USA
    Posts
    19,899
    A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
    Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
    The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."


    Huney, Bon & Simba-missed so very much
    Remembering all the Rainbow Bridge Pets

  12. #102
    Join Date
    Dec 2001
    Location
    Copenhagen, Denmark - GMT+1
    Posts
    14,839
    A bit outdated, but still ....

    Diary of an AOL User.

    July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is
    the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk!
    I'd better hold onto it incase they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.

    July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs amodem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?

    July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.


    July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.

    July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. But they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they
    have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.

    July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this internet thing. I'm confused.

    July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.

    July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer
    but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.

    July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online not usenet.

    July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

    JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT
    THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

    AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.

    AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!
    HA! HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.

    AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.

    AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.

    AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.

    AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?

    August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.

    August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited. I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find.

    August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I
    will have to work on it some more.

    August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol is.

    August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but I can't find that group.

    August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts
    of the joke and they used bad words.

    August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that short story I like.

    August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.
    Last edited by Randi; 06-14-2002 at 02:31 PM.





    "I don't know which weapons will be used in the third World war, but in the fourth, it will be sticks and stones" --- Albert Einstein.


  13. #103
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    Santa Clara, CA
    Posts
    27,653
    Too funny everyone.
    Owned by Sky, Pearl, Ziggy Stardust, Alani, Blaze, Colby, Finnegan, and Summer.


    My Rainbow Bridge Babies:
    RB Pepper 3/17/97- 2/3/03 RIP Sweet Pepper
    RB Starr 3/22/05- 7/1/09 RIP Sweet Starr
    RB Sunny 8/25/00- 2/28/10 RIP Sweet Sunny
    RB Storm 1/11/96- 8/2/12 RIP Sweet Storm

  14. #104
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    Ohio, USA
    Posts
    19,899
    Ok, this one's a little dirty, if it offends anyone let me know & I will delete it! I just thought it was so funny!




    Huney, Bon & Simba-missed so very much
    Remembering all the Rainbow Bridge Pets

  15. #105
    Former User Guest

    Actual statements found on insurance claim forms

    Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

    The other car collided with mine without giving me warning of its intention.

    I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

    I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

    A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

    The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve several times before I hit him.

    I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother in law and headed over the embankment.

    In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

    I had been shopping for a plant all day and was on my way home. As I reached an inter-section a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

    I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

    I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident and damage my big end.

    As I approached the intersection a sign appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

    To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I stuck a pedestrian.

    My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

    An invisible car came out of nowhere, stuck my car and vanished.

    I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.

    I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

    The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run. So I ran over him.

    I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

    The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

    I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

    The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out the way when I struck the front end.

    The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.

    I knocked over a man, he admitted it was his fault as he'd been knocked over before.

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