joke thread

[Former User]

This guy (it doesn't matter from what state) named Jed was walking down the road one day when he came across his friend, who was carrying a bag.
Jed: "Hey Billy Joe, what you got in that bag?"
Billy Joe: "In this bag here I got me chickens."
Jed: "I sure like chickens. I bet you if I guess how many chickens you got in that bag you give me one."
Billy Joe: "Jed, if you guess how many chickens I got in this bag, I'll give you both of them."

Jed: "Uhhh...four?"

[slleipnir]

haha. great jokes

[NoahsMommy]

These are all so funny!!!

[Pam]

I just caught up with this thread and I'm really enjoying it! LOL! Here's one I got today in an e-mail -

A blonde replaced all the windows in her house with expensive, double-insulated energy efficient windows. Twelve months later she got a call from the contractor, complaining that the work had been done for a year and she had failed to pay for them. The blonde replied, "Now don't try to pull a fast one on me. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I'm automatically stupid. The salesman who sold me those told me that in one year they would pay for themselves!"

[Logan]

LOL!! I'm like Pam......I'm just discovering this and I can't resist this one:

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to
hire herself out as a
handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby
well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and
asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch," he said,"How much will you charge me?"
The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that
she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to
her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around
the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think
she's dumb?"
"No. I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb
blonde' joke emails we've been receiving."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it
two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00
and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

[krazyaboutkatz]

Great jokes everyone.

[slleipnir]

SEE WHAT HAPPENS

One day, a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The
kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck.
There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded
into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter,
dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a
small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with
toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.

He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He
was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had
happened to her.

He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading
a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He
looked at her, bewildered, and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home
from work and ask me what I did today?"

"Yes," was his reply."

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"

[slleipnir]

This one is kinda..erm..

Ladies night out
Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them.

The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: " We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties...".

The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, "We will never forget you".

2. Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.
She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."

Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"

He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy." Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"

Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation Mom goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises her head and says, "What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL

[anna_66]

Mr. Marlow was strolling through the country when he saw a stable with the most beautiful horse he ever laid eyes on. It was seventeen hands high and white, with rippling muscles and a fine, flowing mane. Mr. Marlow struck a deal to buy it from the owner who did, however, pass on one key piece of information.
"We are a religious family, Mr.Marlow, and we've instilled those values in our horse. To get him to gallop you must say 'Thanks God' to get him to stop you must say 'Our Father Who Art in Heaven,"
Settling into the saddle, Marlow said " Thanks God," and the animal took off. They rode for miles; suddenly they were coming up to a cliff. Unfortunately, Marlow couldn't remember the phrase to make the animal stop and tried every Biblical passage he could think of until, just a few feet from the edge of the cliff, he shouted, " Our Father Who Art in Heaven! The animal stopped instantly. Shaking and perspiring, Marlow reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. "Thanks God," he said as he mopped his brow...

[Former User]

An 80-year-old couple was worried because they kept forgetting things all the time. The doctor assured them there was nothing seriously wrong except old age, and suggested they carry a notebook and write things down so they wouldn't forget. Several days later the old man got up to go to the kitchen. His wife said, "Dear, get me a bowl of ice cream while you're up."
"Okay." he said.
"...and put some chocolate syrup on it and a few cherries on it, too." She added. "You'd better write all this down."
"I won't forget." He said. Twenty minutes later he came back into the room and handed her a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon.
She glared at him. "Now, I told you to write it down! I knew you'd forget."
"What did I forget?" He asked.

She replied, "My toast!"

[AmberLee]

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog. The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my eye! It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL everyone.

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

I hope this isn't too bad to put on here....

The Weather

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2
days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who
will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get
any....

True story... a female news anchor who, the day after it
was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the
weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches
you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the
crew did too they were laughing so hard!

A farmer was getting a bit older , so he decided with his three sons how they were supposed to devide the cattle among the three of them .
Look ,he said , my oldest Matthew gets 1/2 of the cattle .
Jo , my second gets 1/4 ; and young Jimmy gets 1/5 !!

A few days later , the father was feeling really sick and wanted to get it all in order . He told his sons to do it as quick as possible !

Two days later , the three man came to their fathers bed and said : Dad , we just cannot do what you ask !!! As you know , we have 19 cows . Now how are we supposed to devide those ????
It is impossible to take 1/2 , 1/4 , nor 1/5 from 19 ...........

Oh you stupid sons , I thought you knew better !!
Okay , I will help you : go and ask farmer Rogers if we can borrow one of his cows just for an hour !!!

okay , that's what they did !
So , how many cows do we have now , said the old farmer ??
20 DAD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well ,Matthew gets 1/2 of 20 , so that is 10 cows .
Jo gets 1/4 of 20 , so that is 5 cows .
Jimmy gets 1/5 of 20 , so that is 4 cows !!

10 + 5 + 4 = 19 cows right !!???

okay then !!! now take that cow from next door back to his owner !!!!! I can die in peace now !!