View Poll Results: Do you like the idea of a joke thread?

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  • Yes

    148 86.05%
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Thread: joke thread

  1. #31
    Former User Guest

    Watermelons


    A farmer in the country discovered that some kids had been stealing fruit from his watermelon patch. So he put up a sign that read "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS RAT POISON!"

    The farmer returned to the patch a week later and discovered that all of his watermelons were still there, but he found another sign that read "NOW TWO OF THEM DO!"

  2. #32

    Blondes

    Actually, it would be nicer to have jokes that don't reference a particular physical specification. Funny stereotypes may seem harmless, but inevitably lead to prejudice.

  3. #33
    Former User Guest
    Oh come on, these are only jokes! Lighten up! I'm blond myself and don't mind jokes! Can't take everything too seriously in life!

  4. #34
    Guest

    at the dentist

    patient : OUCH !!!!!!!!!!!!

    dentist : hey , why are you shouting ? I haven't even touched
    your teeth yet !!!

    patient : I know that !!!!!! But you are standing on my sore foot !!


  5. #35
    Guest

    at the doc

    Hey doc , thi !s has been 4 days now that I have severe
    diarhea and I am always to late to reach the toilet !! Help me please , because this is really getting me depressed and makes me cry all the time !

    okay , take this pills and visit me again in two weeks !!

    two weeks later ........
    hi doc ! Here I am as promised !!

    So , how are you know ??? is the diarhrea gone ???

    oh no , but I don't care about it anymore !

  6. #36
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    Ohio, USA
    Posts
    19,899
    Originally posted by Casper & Kitty
    Oh come on
    That is so funny Niina, I just said the exact same thing out loud!
    We don't mean anything by it, you can dog (Ha!) on brunettes (Me) all you want! It's all just harmless fun

    Huney, Bon & Simba-missed so very much
    Remembering all the Rainbow Bridge Pets

  7. #37
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    Ohio, USA
    Posts
    19,899
    This is similar to the one AmberLee put up about the Iams Co. but this one is about airlines

    Why Americans Shouldn't Be Allowed To Travel
    The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
    1. I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
    2. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
    3. I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response was "click".
    4. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
    5. I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."
    6. Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
    7. A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
    8. A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while "I looked into it," (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
    9. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.
    10. "A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
    11. A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
    12. A woman called to make reservations. "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

    Huney, Bon & Simba-missed so very much
    Remembering all the Rainbow Bridge Pets

  8. #38
    Join Date
    Dec 2001
    Location
    Copenhagen, Denmark - GMT+1
    Posts
    14,818
    Jolly Flight Attendant

    I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great."

    I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane."

    She still wouldn't comply. Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray.

    She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one."

    Our flight attendant replied: "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!"



    A passenger piled his cases on the scale at an airline counter in New York and said to the clerk, "I'm flying to Los Angeles. I want the square case to go to Denver and the two round ones to go to Seattle."
    "I'm sorry, sir, but we can't do that."
    "Why not? You did it last time!"



    It was mealtime during our trip on a small airliner flying over the northwest. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me.
    "What are my choices?" he asked.
    "Yes or no," she replied.

    Last edited by Randi; 06-05-2002 at 12:28 PM.
    Randi



    "I don't know which weapons will be used in the third World war, but in the fourth, it will be sticks and stones" --- Albert Einstein.


  9. #39
    Join Date
    Jul 2000
    Location
    New York, NY
    Posts
    1,533
    LOL great jokes
    ~eLLeN~

    "Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened." ~~Anatole France~~

  10. #40
    Join Date
    May 2001
    Location
    Stockton, CA
    Posts
    8,687
    For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those 'special' customers we all love!

    An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

    A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

    Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

    With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, F*** you!"

    Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
    I'm sometimes asked "Why do you spend so much of your time and money talking about kindness to animals when there is so much cruelty to men?" I answer: "I am working at the roots." -George T. Angell, reformer (1823-1909)



    Thank you, Popcornbird for creating this tribute to Summer starring Livvy and Cassy

    Livvy: 11 April 99 - 5 July 09
    Cassy: 11 July 99 - 8 April 11

    If you would like to visit my BeautiConsultant page --
    http://www.beautipage.com/serene_angel_hm_spa/

  11. #41
    Join Date
    Oct 2000
    Location
    Los Angeles, CA USA
    Posts
    12,031
    Oh my, these are all wonderful!! AmberLee you outdid yourself. I love the one about cats and staying fit - at 2 AM!!

    C & K - the watermelon joke is great!

    I once heard that good jokes come from men in prison - because they have nothing else to do........

    Anyone else have any ideas?

  12. #42
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    Santa Clara, CA
    Posts
    27,647
    LOL everyone Great jokes.
    Owned by Sky, Pearl, Ziggy Stardust, Alani, Blaze, Colby, Finnegan, and Summer.


    My Rainbow Bridge Babies:
    RB Pepper 3/17/97- 2/3/03 RIP Sweet Pepper
    RB Starr 3/22/05- 7/1/09 RIP Sweet Starr
    RB Sunny 8/25/00- 2/28/10 RIP Sweet Sunny
    RB Storm 1/11/96- 8/2/12 RIP Sweet Storm

  13. #43
    Former User Guest

    Portrait


    A clever elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. So she told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, an emerald bracelet, and a gold Rolex." "But you're not wearing any of those things!" the artist pointed out.

    "I know," she said. "It's in case I die before my husband. If he remarries right away, I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

  14. #44
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Stockport. England
    Posts
    4,331
    Aw everybody - - - - - -






    These are hysterical - love those 'flight' jokes.
    Anna - have already sent your 'Americans Travelling' to daughter Diane in Chicago!! When she gets to her desk at 7.30am your time you'll probably hear the screams of laughter!!!

    Lynne

  15. #45
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    Ohio, USA
    Posts
    19,899
    Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
    Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
    "Yes," said the parrot.
    The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
    "Clarence," said the bird.
    "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
    The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."


    Huney, Bon & Simba-missed so very much
    Remembering all the Rainbow Bridge Pets

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