View Poll Results: Do you like the idea of a joke thread?

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    148 86.05%
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Thread: joke thread

  1. #136
    Former User Guest

    WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER!


    1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

    2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

    3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

    4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

    5. Are You Andy or Barney?

    6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

    7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

    8. I pay your salary!

    9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

    10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

    11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

    12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"


  2. #137
    Former User Guest

    Deep thoughts

    -When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

    -What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?

    -What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

    -What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?

    -Is there another word for synonym?

    -If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

    -If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

    -If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

    -If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!

    -If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

    -If a tin whistle is made out of tin, what exactly is a fog horn made out of?

    -What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Company?

    -If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - Is he still wrong?

    -How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?

    -If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it FED UP?

  3. #138
    Former User Guest
    I don't do mornings
    Attached Images Attached Images  

  4. #139
    Former User Guest
    watered
    Attached Images Attached Images  

  5. #140
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    Ohio, USA
    Posts
    19,897
    Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said "Louieville" and the other "Louiseville." They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fast-food restaurant. The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, "Tell me the name of the place where I am right now really, really, really slowly." The waitress goes, "Bur-ger-King."

    Huney, Bon & Simba-missed so very much
    Remembering all the Rainbow Bridge Pets

  6. #141
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Location
    Olympic Peninsula,Washington
    Posts
    2,463
    Hilarious Signs

    On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

    Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

    At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

    At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

    In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

    At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

    In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

    On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

    At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

    In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

  7. #142
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Location
    Olympic Peninsula,Washington
    Posts
    2,463
    The Perfect Pet

    A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
    The owner says, "How about a dog?"
    The man replies, "A dog? That's so ordinary! And a dog can't do everything!"
    The owner says, "How about a cat?"
    The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
    The owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it -- a centipede!" The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything. But, okay ... I'll try a centipede."
    He gets the centipede home and says to it, "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed, polished, dried and put away. The countertops have been cleaned. The appliances are sparkling. The floor has been waxed.
    He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." The centipede walks out the door. Ten minutes later, no centipede. Twenty minutes later, no centipede. Thirty minutes later, no centipede.

    The man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. Forty-five minutes later, still no centipede! The man can't imagine what happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Finally, he goes to the front door and opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside the door.
    The man says, "Hey! I sent you 45 minutes ago to run down to the corner and get me a newspaper. What's the story?"

    The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! Just putting on my shoes!"

  8. #143
    Join Date
    Apr 2001
    Location
    indianapolis,indiana usa
    Posts
    22,766
    LoudLou,

  9. #144
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    Santa Clara, CA
    Posts
    27,625
    Great jokes.
    Owned by Sky, Pearl, Ziggy Stardust, Alani, Blaze, Colby, Finnegan, and Summer.


    My Rainbow Bridge Babies:
    RB Pepper 3/17/97- 2/3/03 RIP Sweet Pepper
    RB Starr 3/22/05- 7/1/09 RIP Sweet Starr
    RB Sunny 8/25/00- 2/28/10 RIP Sweet Sunny
    RB Storm 1/11/96- 8/2/12 RIP Sweet Storm

  10. #145
    Former User Guest

    Company Memo

    Notice: Our company requires no further physical fitness programs. Everyone gets enough exercise:

    jumping to conclusions,
    beating around the bush,
    running down the boss,
    going around in circles,
    dragging their feet,
    dodging responsibility,
    passing the buck,
    climbing the ladder,
    wading through paperwork,
    pulling strings,
    throwing their weight around,
    stretching the truth,
    bending the rules,
    and pushing their luck!

  11. #146
    Former User Guest

    The Joking Boss


    The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl laughed uproariously.
    "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?"

    "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday."

  12. #147
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    Ohio, USA
    Posts
    19,897
    During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children entered the dinning room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept he conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.
    After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, “You see, it is vanishing cream!”



    Huney, Bon & Simba-missed so very much
    Remembering all the Rainbow Bridge Pets

  13. #148
    Join Date
    Jan 2001
    Location
    San Diego, California USA
    Posts
    4,902

    GONE TO THE DOGS

    Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street, when they see a beautiful, enticing, female poodle. The three dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. They are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
    Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

    The sturdy, muscular black lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

    "Oh, how childish," said the poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall shiny golden retriever and said, "How well can you do?"

    "Um, I hate liver and cheese," blurts the golden retriever.

    "My, my," said the poodle, "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

    The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in finesse, is the chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the lab and says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."



    hope this hasn't already been posted on here!
    Jackie, Daisy and Perry


  14. #149
    Join Date
    Feb 2002
    Location
    Georgia, USA
    Posts
    5,946
    GREAT JOKES EVERYBODY...... I REALLY LIKE THIS THREAD!!
    [CENTER]

    Alden is here!!
    7/6/2006 - 9 pounds 9 ounces 22 inches


    Tinky

  15. #150
    Join Date
    Jun 2000
    Posts
    12,716
    I posted this a few weeks ago in another thread, but for those who missed it, here it is. Being a 'poodle mom' it really struck me funny!


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