This pic makes me laugh:
This pic makes me laugh:
Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And,once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* lightbulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light
bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!
What was the question?
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.
A little e later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
The nun fainted
The Male Brain vs The female Brain :D
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.'
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'
The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a female brain.'
The moment turned awkward. Some of the men actually had to 'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women.
A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?'
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they've been used.'
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH, AND TO ANY MAN WHO YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT! ;)
How do you know when an obscene phone caller is Canadian?
He starts by saying, "I'm sorry, am I calling at a bad time?"
Barack Obama is on the campaign trail when his limo drives through a low income neighborhood in his hometown of Chicago.
As he travels down a block with run down homes along it, he spies a family of four sitting on the lawn, plucking blades of brown grass and eating them.
Barack yells at the driver to stop and go back to the lawn. Barack throws open the door and walks over to the family who stop eating and turn to the presidential candidate. "My goodness, what are you doing?", he asks.
"Eating grass", the father says, "I lost my job as a bank manager, my wife was laid off and my kids are starving!" THe mother tells BO that there is no food in their home and the only thing that will stop the children from crying with hunger is to eat the dried up lawn at the front of their home.
BO looks at his wife and says, "I cannot stand by and watch people struggle, I was a community organizer once and have always tried to look out for the welfare of the community and the people in it. I can't stand by and watch people starve!"
He turns to the family and tell them to get into the limo, "I won't let you starve by eating that brown dried grass! I am taking you home so you can eat there!"
The family surround BO and shower him with hugs and kisses. As the family gets into the car, the father hangs back to thank BO. THe man begins to cry and mutter his thanks-BO puts an arm around him and the man stops and asks, "You are the greatest man on the planet, You are kind. thoughtful and generous-I cannot believe you are taking us home to have a meal there..."
BO sheepishly smiles and says to the man, "Sir, you do not have to thank me, The pleasure is mine and no one has mowed my lawn for a few months."
Oh, this is just TERRIBLE! (I probably should post in Dog General)
My friend's Dog, Minton, just swallowed a shuttlecock!
I saw this on another animal forum. Here goes:
12. But it SMELLS like food.
11. The cat did it.
10. What say we all drive down to Dairy Queen?
9. Explain this 'heat' thing again.
8. Mind if I sit there?
7. You gonna eat ALL of that?
6. I don't smell anything.
5. Could I see the menu?
4. FETCH THIS!
3. Next time, I pick the bitch!
2. This isn't a mess, it's ambiance!
And THE number one thing your dog would say:
1. You are going to cut off my WHAT?!?
lol, I like the bad minton one :p
Hehe. I just read this whole thing, you guys are great. :D
My pastor used this in his homily this morning...
Boxer Muhammad Ali was traveling on an airplane. While the aircraft was pushed back, the flight attendant asked him to buckle his seatbelt.
The champ refused, saying, "Superman don't need no seatbelt!"
Without missing a beat, the savvy flight attendant replied, "Superman doesn't need an airplane, either!"
The boxer buckled up without another word.
"The Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal."
(I apologize in advance if this offends anyone. I love play-on-words stories like this.)
Never Argue with a Woman
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
And begins to read her book.
The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.
'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're a**-holes!