No wonder we were all mesmerized. Disney programmed us!
A priest, rabbi and minister walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "What is this - some kind of joke?"
WOMAN PREGNANT AT 71
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
"What the hell is the matter with you?!" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71 years old! She has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and, without looking up, said,
"Well, does she still have the hiccups?"
What's the difference between Vancouver and Greece?
Greece doesn't have a hockey team.
And now, a dog joke told by a co-worker's son, who is 8 and loves animals--
Q: What did the German Shepherd get when he graduated from college?
A: A dog-gree! :rolleyes:
One Sunday morning little Alex was at church with his mom and dad. While they were talking to other congregants little Alex stood looking at the copper plaque on the wall. The Pastor was standing next to him when Alex looked up and said, "Pastor, what's that?" while pointing to the plaque. The Pastor told him it's a memorial to the people who died in the service. After a few moments Alex said, "Pastor, did they die at the 9:00 or the 11:45?"
How It All Began--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning ....
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com
did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a
comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often
Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from
town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of
a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between
to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you
who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery
made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the
And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the
goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were
saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as
Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to
transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly
take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican
Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that
enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every
drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would
work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be
known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said
Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid
(GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around
the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating
And that's how it all began !
Where do bees go to the bathroom?
At the BP Station :D
Investment Tips for 2011
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some
Watch for these consolidations in 2011:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush,
and W. R. Grace Co.
Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces
and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers
will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women
will become: Knott NOW!
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under
the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
This just cracked me up when I saw it!
Hehe this one comes from the Hangover 2, couldn't resist.
What do you get when you mix a Shihtzu with a Bull Dog?
A Bullshit :p haha