A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'
'O...h,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?
'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible,' said the man.
'And whose clock is that one?'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'
'Where's President OBamas clock?' asked the man.
'Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan"
A young engineer was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. when he found the Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy." :p
Looking for Work
An Israeli doctor says:
'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor says:
'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in
another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.
The Russian doctor says:
'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
An American doctor from Texas , not to be outdone, says:
'You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas , put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.'
:p Picking on Texas again are you?? I am still laughing my butttt off.. What would we do without little Bushy Bush people??:D
Originally Posted by wombat2u2004
Giving Up Wine
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of pounds for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out five pounds and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked...
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money... Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
The following are supposed, "actual" responses to paternity determination questions for Detroit child welfare services.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks...
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man.. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.
8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time..... Well, I don't have clue.
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to
a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager
thought it amusing enough to have it published in
the New York Times.
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check
with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last
month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must
have elapsed between his presenting the check and
the arrival in my account of the funds needed to
honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic
monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement
which, I admit, has been in place for only eight
years. You are to be commended for seizing that
brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting
my account $30 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness
springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your
telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which
your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with
a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and
hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at
your bank by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under
the Postal Act for any other person to open such an
envelope. Please find attached an Application For
Contact which I require your chosen employee to
complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in
order that I know as much about him or her as your
bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please
note that all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the
mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue
your employee a PIN number which he/she must quote
in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be
shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it
on the number of button presses required of me to
access my account balance on your phone bank
service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest
form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When
you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*)
BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in
case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I
am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I
am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password
to access my computer is required.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to
options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The
contact will then be put on hold, pending the
attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for
English. While this may, on occasion, involve a
lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the
duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I
must also levy an establishment fee to cover the
setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a
happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by an 86 year old
'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE 'US SENIORS' !!!!!
And remember: Don't make old ladies mad. They
don't like being old in the first place, so it
doesn't take much to set them off!!
Father and Son
One day in heaven, Jesus' secretary says "Sir I think you have been working too hard. You need to get out and meet people."
Jesus agrees and goes for a walk down the streets of gold.
Presently, from a side street he hears the rhythmic sound of sawing and spies an old bearded carpenter in his workshop.
"Sir," Jesus says, "why do you labour so? This is heaven and your days of hard work are behind you."
The old man, face dripping with sweat, replies, "I had a son on earth whose birth was a miracle. I haven't seen him since he died. He knew I loved working with wood, and I thought if I made enough noise, he might hear it and find me."
A look of stunned realisation comes upon Jesus' face.
The carpenter sees it and stops sawing. As he gazes at Jesus' eyes beginning to mist up, their eyes lock,
Jesus says, "Father?"
The old man replies........
A guy goes hunting. He leans his gun against a tree. Just then, a gust of wind blows, the gun falls over and discharges, shooting himself in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, but there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the West Virginia Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't urinate in your eye." :p:p
Divorce vs murder
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't
Give you cyanide to kill your husband.
That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
A Mother's Dictionary
A Mother's Dictionary
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.
Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children play outside.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: Able to whine in words
Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge".
On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales .
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysili ogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress........................!!!!!!!! 'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us????!!! Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?!!!!!!!! The girl leaned over and said, 'Burrr … gurrr … king'!
A girl from Boston, MA and a girl from the West Coast were seated side by side on an airplane. The Boston girl, being friendly and all said,"So, where ya from?" The west coast girl said, "From a place where they know ...better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."The girl from Boston, sat quietly for a few.. moments and then replied: "So, where ya from, bitch?"
That set me off in a fit of the giggles :D
I actually fell on the floor and started to froth at the mouth :p
Originally Posted by Pawsitive Thinking