At my recent assault trial, I offered a plea of "Guilty with an explanation." The judge asked me what my explanation was, so I told my story.
"Your Honor," I said, "I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually
kept. I was met with: 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perky clipboard carrier
smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All I
need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then
slip on this gown. Everything clear?'
I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science..' Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, 'Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?' 'Fine', I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap!
Complete darkness and the power went off! 'Oh, maintenance is working. Bet
they hit a snag.' Belinda said, and headed for the door. 'Excuse me! You're
not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted. Belinda kept going
and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy....the door's wide open so you'll have the
emergency hall lights. I'll be right back.'
Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me … half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass! After exchanging a polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.' 'You bet, take care’ Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no
attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The
power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to
lunch. Are we upset?'
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."
The Daily Tribune
February 2, 2010
DURING HIS CHILDHOOD, EBERT "SONNY" WALTERS WAS COUNSELED BY HIS TOUGH OLD COWBOY GRANDFATHER FROM WYOMING THAT, IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUNPOWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.
HIS FAMILY SAID EBERT DID THAT RELIGIOUSLY EVERY MORNING. HE OUTLIVED HIS WIFE IONA BY 52 YEARS, AND HE DIED LAST THURSDAY AT AGE 104.
EBERT LEFT BEHIND 12 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15 FOOT CRATER WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.
A rancher had a prize that stopped performing. The rancher when to a local veterinarian, who prescribed medication for the rancher to administer to the bull. (This was way before the existence of the "little blue pill".) The results were astonishing: the bull pursued every receptive cow he could find.
The rancher was at the feed store one day and ran into a friend. "Say, Willie, I've got a bull that can't... uhmm... er..." The friend stammered on, "Didn't your veterinarian give you something to help one of yours? What was it?"
Willie tried to describe the pills, but could not remember the brand. "Can you remember anything at all about those pills?" his friend asked.
"Nope," replied Willie, "but they sure did taste like chocolate..."
Q. Why do bagpipers always walk while they play?
A. Moving targets are harder to hit.
I love flute jokes because that's my instrument. A few favorites:
Q. How do you get two flute players to play in tune?
A. Shoot one of them.
Q. What is the definition of perfect pitch on a flute?
A. Into the Dumpster without hitting the side!
Q. Why do you rarely see a concert flutist take a breath when she's playing?
A. Because she's already got enough air in her head.
My nephew plays percussion. Here is a drummer joke he told me.
Q. What did the drummer get on his SAT?
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
19. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
20. A backward poet writes inverse.
21. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
· Romance 9.5 and
· Personal Attention 6.5,
and then installed undesirable programs such as
· NBA 5.0,
· NFL 3.0 and
· Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
· Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
First, keep in mind,
· Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
· Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
· If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2..5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
· Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
· Cooking 3.0 and
· Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?
Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Then they kick him in the icehole."
A TRIP TO COSTCO
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
Grace, that is HILARIOUS!!!!
The Pay Raise
The Italian maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The
first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Senora...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So........... how much do you want?'
My sense of humour is notoriously weird. I come from the land of Python, Son of Goons, Son of Marx (Brothers). See if this tickles in the right place.
In Mr. Williams' general stores, the kind that sells everything in a small town, a young man was hired as assistant. As it was his first day, he cleaned up and stocked shelves whilst Mr Williams dealt with the customers.
A man came into the shop, and Mr Williams said to the boy, "Selling stuff is easy, lad. Watch what I do!"
The man came up to the counter and asked for a packet of grass seed. The sun had turned his lawn into a wasteland. "Certainly, Sir," said Mr Williams, "we have the very best there is." He produced the packet of seed, but then, leaning on the counter and speaking in confidential tones, he warned,"Of course you do know what this seed can do?"
"What do you mean?" asked the man. "Well, this seed grows overnight. You'll have a new lawn in a couple of days, but you have to cut it regularly, or it will be a jungle in no time. Do have the lawnmower for the job?"
"Well, er ....."
"We have an offer this week on the most effective lawnmower you've ever seen."
Within ten minutes, Mr Williams had sold the man a lawnmower.
"You see, boy? That's how it's done."
Shortly after, a new customer, also a man, came into the store and the apprentice was given the task of dealing with him.
"Yes. Sir? What can I do for you?" So far so good.
"I'd like a packet of Tampax, please. "
"Certainly Sir. Could I interest you in a lawnmower?"
"Why on earth would I want a lawnmower?"
"Well, I thought that seeing as the weekend is ruined, you might might as well cut the grass!"
At my age, all I ever look forward to, is cutting the grass ;)
A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,
'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'