Families and the holidays - yikes

This could probably be in "General" but most of the people I know around here hang out her in the "house" so I thought I'd get your opinions.

Until recently years - I did ok with the family/holiday thing. Nothing specatular, but not events that I dreaded either.

Now that's changing. My brother's marriage is on the rocks, my sister has resigned herself to staying married to her drunk of a husband (these are marriages of 20+ years duration), both owe me money, and my younger brother who I get along best with thinks that I have the problem and need to forgive them so that holidays aren't filled with a bunch of tension because of their choice to be a bunch of losers.

So for thanksgiving, we're going to my husband's side of the family - the day that they are the sane ones is down right scary.

But that leaves Christmas. My family has always put more emphasis on Christmas eve, rotating the event amongst our houses but no one so far is volunteering for this event. I'm not really in the mood to do so but I also realize that the people that would be hurt the most, namely my parents and my nieces and nephews, are the ones who have caused me no harm.

arrgghh - thanks for letting me vent.

My family used to drive me nuts on the holidays. Always fighting. Now, I'd give anything for one more Thanksgiving or Christmas with them. It's no fun being alone on the holidays. Try to enjoy the people in your life while they are there. You just never know when they will be gone.

If your heart is in throwing the Xmas party-go for it.

But admonish everyone before hand that shenanigans, bad attittudes and BS shall be checked at the door.


When the poop was thick in my family, THAT was the rule.....

Behave or do not show up...

Adults, given the rules, have no one else to blame if they decide not to attend....

And if you get any guff you say to them, "You can't behave for a few hours?????";)

OH, I TOTALLY get you. My mom's side is messed up. One of her brothers is a MAJOR control freak and a backstabber (so is his wifey), and the other one is an alcoholic who is in Detox, and then there is my grandma who has been depressed for practically her whole life and she FINALLY started taking anti-depressants now. :rolleyes: Most of the tension involves my uncle and his wife, the ones that think everyone ELSES business is their business, and they give their advice when you didn't ask for it, etc. They even had a meeting once about my dad saying nasty stuff about him, inviting everyone in the family except for him! :eek: I don't remember if my mom was invited or not. Anyho, my advice would try not to say anything to fan the flames, keep all the personal stuff (like your brother owing you money, etc) out of the holidays, and talk to them another time. Just grin and bear everything, thats what I do. :) {{{HUGS}}}

Xmas time is pretty low key for me, and that is the way I like it being a social phobic, I am not into big parties and events.

sometimes we all get together at my sisters house in Auckland, and that is nice, this year we are all just doing our own thing, my sister has bought vouchers for my parents to go to Valentines our fav restaurant for xmas dinner, and we are just either going to have a picnic by the beach if its a nice day, or something simple.

We are all going to be together tomorrow to celebrate my mother's 70 birthday, so that will be nice.

My husband washed his hands of all his family about three years ago when his mother died, long story, but best thing all around.

Holidays and families are a combustible combination. There are so many expectations of both and everyone manages to end up feeling bad about it. It has been close to 15 years since I spent Christmas with my family (long story, but aren't they all). I have a low keep holiday season and seem to enjoy it much more than my siblings who do spend time with family.

If you do decide to host Christmas eve the BS and arguements stay at the door. And I would suggest not serving any alcohol because that will just fuel the fires (although you might want to keep a secret stash for yourself ;) )

Isn't it sad how so many families dread the holidays for this very reason? Mine is no different. :( For years it was wondering if my drug addict brother would show up, and if he did would he be coherent or not. Then it was my alcoholic sister and her destructivie bi-polar tendencies ... and unfortunately she is still "an issue" . :( Now, it has passed down to my own little family .... my daughter (Amy Beth ...19 ... who just had baby Jenna) is uncomfortable coming for Thanksgiving, because my Judgemental father will be here. :( It's always been so tense every year at every occasion ... but somehow we generally "try" to fake it through. :( I think this is why the holidays are one of the number one triggers for depression. How truly sad!:( :( :(

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Originally posted by emily_the_spoiled
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If you do decide to host Christmas eve the BS and arguements stay at the door. And I would suggest not serving any alcohol because that will just fuel the fires (although you might want to keep a secret stash for yourself ;) )

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LOL - so true.

Last night I was telling my husband about my conversation with my brother and how my brother thinks that my inability to "forgive" that causes everybody to show up late and he (my husband) said "and I thought it was me".:(

I am so lucky and blessed to be married to him. It really saddens me that their bad behaviour has hurt him.:mad:

Richard - I also like your idea of just being up front and blunt and saying it like it is - "show up on time or don't show up".

sigh - well tomorrow is Thanksgiving and it should be a good day. Then I'll start tackling the whole Christmas mess.

Thanks everyone for your input.

My husband and I are just keeping to ourselves this year, no families. :)

This is the first time I'm not looking forward to Christmas.

We are doing our usual Thankgiving thing which is everyone with thier own family. Mom's house for us, my aunts with their kids, and Aunt Mary and her kids @ Grandma's.

But Christmas is gonna be different cuz usually we're all @ Grandma's on Christmas Eve and thier own places on Christmas Day. But the fight between Mom and Mary has been going on since Easter with no signs of stopping. So everyone is coming here (aka Mom's) and Mary and Grandma are gonna be at her house. So I'm gonna pop in at Grandma's listen to them bad mouth Mom for about an hour ( or as long as Dustin can handle the smoke) then to Mom's to try and enjoy myself and if theat doesn't work out to get drunk with my friend Dezz. ;) (ok maybe not)

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Originally posted by micki76
My husband and I are just keeping to ourselves this year, no families. :)

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Yup...ditto here except hubby's working a double shift today. So just me sitting in my PJs still, and enjoying every second of it LOL! I'm also from a highly disfunctional family, and would prefer to only get together with my little brother and his wife and my smart little five year old niece, and scrap the rest. ;) Bah-humbug LOL! :o :p :o

I must have a really odd family, we all love & respect one
another.:D My family(brothers & sister) had a lot of hardships
growing up, but it's only made us "tighter' as a family. I don't
mean we all think alike on every issue, but pretty darn close.:)

We are all different as indivduals but share a common bond of
love and friendship. I would do anything for them & they me.
I guess we are very lucky.:)

I am also "weird" as I look forward to all the holidays, whether with my family or Paul's. Even the year after we lost our Mom was a good holiday, as everyone made sure to really "have Christmas" as Ma would not have had it any other way. And I figured if I could get through the Messiah sing sitting there with just my nieces, not my mom, I could get through anything.

I start stressing out about Oct 15th and don't chill out til Jan 1...the holidays are a major stress factor for me...bi polar sister, a dad who says what he thinks and believe me, he shouldn't say 1/4 of what he says..we drive 500 miles to get there and hubby and I sleep on a bed that is not big enough for one..and he is 6 ft 3..plus Gracie sleeps with us..so none of us move all night..its a small town and the nearest hotel is 30 minutes away..and we already spend about $130 - $150 just going on gas/eats..
so don't need to throw in a hotel anyway..
Then I have 2 kids...grown...and right now son has a new g/f who is ALSO on some type mood altering med..and has a chip on her shoulder...and not sure I like her too much...daughter who is "bored" the whole time she is there..and lets everyone know it..

And then hubby who thinks he is an outsider because he took me 500 miles away from my family and he thinks no one likes him..so I am trying to make sure HE is happy the whole time..
Its just toooo hard...but at least half over...we made it thru Tgiving..now lets just get thru Christmas.............aghhhhh

Problem resolved. :D I was talking to my one still sane sister-in-law this weekend and we were discussing the situation since we were the only ones who could host the event and how neither of us really wanted to this year.

Then the epiphany! My parents live in a mobile home park with a club house that can be reserved. I called my dad to see if the room had been reserved yet. It wasn't so we were able to get it.

Now we'll be able to be together without the stress of having to prep one's home for ungrateful guests. Besides - this is on the folk's turf, so people will behave.

I am so relieved. I'm finally no longer dreading Christmas.:D

Congratulations on finding a good solution to the problem. It sounds like this is a win-win for everyone (and hopefully everyone will behave themselves) :)

Things have changed over the years. We still have black sheep in the family though.

Growing up, the worse was my step-cousin who would coach her children into stealing stuff from mine and my sisters rooms. Anything that was worth pawning or money from our purses. We knew it was her but could never prove it. So we always spent days hiding what was important to us and our purses before the family arrived. Sad.

She was finally told not to come and I haven't seen her in years.