Seriously need opinions

I have had soemthing weigh heavy on my heart for over a year now. Well, actually the "real" anniversary of the event is Halloween Day, but I knew it was coming for a long time.... I was "laid off" a year ago. If I was laid off for the reasons mentioned, that would be fine, but I was pushed out and shoved aside given the reason "business was slow" though the client I worked with was actually as busy as ever.

ANYHOW, the real reason I was laid off was many-fold, and something that basically boils down to me making a lot of mistakes. And MOST of those mistakes WERE NOT my fault! A guy (who I shall call BI - as in Big Idiot) was supposed to verify all sorts of info for me. He never did, so I was basically swimming around in the dark. I was the ONLY one in the office who tried to make him do his job. Everyone else just did his job and theirs... well, if he gets paid $50,000 a year to do something, and I got $30,000... well do the math and see I wasn't about to let him get away with dropping his work onto my desk.

Then BI did a multitude of things against me that would definately be considered harassment... ie: taking off his shirt and exposing his naked belly while we were in the car returning from a client meeting, sending graphic e-mails. Then our boss and BI would constantly tell me how fat I was. My boss constantly told me that my hair as too frizzy, my clothes too frumpy, my makeup too boring. My shoes weren't nice enough - my boos once bought me a shoe shine kit as a "joke"! :eek: Thats just a few examples. I tried to keep a diary and failed miserably at it.

Back to the mistakes. Once the mistakes started happening and all blame started falling on my shoulders I was even more petrifed of making mistakes... which of course perpetuated even more mistakes. I mean, I was so scared of making a mistake that I'd make one anyway... stupid mistakes like the wrong date on something or fax the wrong info. I was a nervous wreck trying to proove myself worthy that I made many many mistakes :o I also feel the mistakes were from them stealing my confidence away. How can I feel great and do great work when I was constantly being told my personal appearance was less than great? I'dsit there hurting from a comment and then try to work, while my mind was still on "how could he say that?" and wonder if my hair really looked that bad.

Well, at one point my client threatened to pull the account. I INSISTED I sit in on the meeting with them and my boss. They FLAT OUT stated to my boss that they loved me and that BI was their issue. Then when my company laid me off, the client hired me out to do a lot of little things for them on the side. Is that the sign of a person who does bad work?

Well, about 4 months before they let me go, they hired someone else in the same department as me. If business ws slow, shouldn't she have been the one who would have been laid off? No, they gave her my job... clients and all. And she was making at least $5,000 more a year than me!

Sigh, I've got a beating headache and am trying to condense a lot of information into one short story. Did you all follow it? Please feel free to ask for clarifications! :)

For the past year, a few people have told me I should sue them for harrassment. One other person in the company tried and got nowhere because it was just her. She said if ever I decide, we can sue the company together. I'm to the point where I think I should sue them. I have NO confidence in myself or my work. I feel like I just can't do it... these are feelings I NEVER had before. Honestly, I used to KNOW I was good. Now I feel the opposite. I want to sue them and make them aware they can't treat people like that. They do things to people like they said and did to me.

Do you think a lawsuit is a good idea? Basically if I sue them, then my career in this area is DEAD. Even if my business took off, it won't because they'll kill my name to clients and everyone else in the industry. I know they have already put a bad word to my name just from the vibe I've gotten from talking to several people.

It makes me very sad to read how poorly you were treated. I cannot imagine a superior making such rude and personal comments to you, let alone a co-worker. :( How you stood it, day in and day out, I don't know! I would have been a nervous wreck, and like you, would have found myself so worked up that I would have made mistakes too.

But, having said that, I would move on and forget about them. It's been a year, as you said, you would be committing career suicide to go back and try to sue them now. I think maybe you would be better off trying to look forward, rather than backward. Otherwise, you are going to wallow in this, spend a lot of money on attorneys and you're still not going to be able to undo what was done and said to you.

I'm going to remember you in my prayers, and hope that you can find the strength to move forward, and find the perfect situation for you where you can be happy and productive. :)

Logan

I am very sorry for you that you had to go through an experience like that and still suffer from it.

I think you should do everything that makes you feel better and gain more confidence.

But is a lawsuit something that would help here? I think not. It would force you way down in the past again and most likely you would find one or another things where you cannot prove it was them who made the mistake. Of course it would be a nice revenge if BI and your boss got convicted but what would be the result for you? Just money I suppose. You could not really want to work with them again. And I don't think it would get you your self-confidence back.

It is very uncertain whether you had a chance to win - I have seen many situations like that and usually it is very difficult to get valid evidence against people like that. Even checking that chance with the help of a lawyer would cost you some money- and would force you to think of all the nasty details again.

Something that could give you more confidence: Write down all the things you really do well and please at least 20 things. I can start the list for you:

You came here to Pet Talk and in no time you have been an appreciated member of the group- this shows that you are good with humans.

You started the fostering business: This shows you have courage.

You have amazing skills in combining colours and graphics design.

Your neighbor gave you all her framing materials- she must have had a reason why she did that:D

If you start collecting all your good memories and the things you are able to do, it will be MUCH better for you than that lawsuit. Forgetting them is the only thing I can recommend:D

{{{Hugs}}}

I know EXACTLY what you have been through because I have been trough the same thing you have. I call those "No Win" situations. No matter WHAT you do, you are wrong and can never do a good enough job, you loose just for showing up to work. They steal your confidence, one word at a time.

How I handled it was I turned in all over to God and did not go back to work there........then I sat back and waited. I trusted God to take care of it and He did as He always does. Those kind of people ALWAYS get what they got coming and your former co-worker and boss WILL get theirs.

My terrorizer (as I called him) started having tons of personal problems at home and in the middle of all those problems, he got fired too. God DOES take care of these people if you turn it over to Him. So, put it in His hands and move forward with your life. God also blessed me right after that with the best boss I ever had.

As for what his mouth is doing to your reputation, do not worry about that. People know how these people are and not many listen to them. THEIR reputation takes care of THAT!

I have to agree with everything that has been written so far. I have lived longer enough to see that old proverb "what goes around comes around" come true to many times not to believe it.

I also agree that I don't think this is the time for you to take legal action. All it will do is drain your pocket book and your emotional energy, by having to relive all those things again and again.

You have already begun the process of moving on and creating something new and better for yourself. Use that energy to concentrate on that rather than going back into the past.

I sort of agree with the others here. But, I can see why a lawsuit should be done also. Why should those "people" get away with all the abuse they did? Who is their next victim? Until someone steps in and refuses to let them get away with that sort of treatment, it will continue. I say contact that other coworker and have a conference with an attorney to see what they advise. However, you have to go with what's going to make you feel the best. We can't make that decision for you. I do know that I wouldn't have taken near as much crap as you did before doing something about it. Don't let yourself be others' doormats. You are much better than that. Don't let them take away the best part of you.

Thank you. I've not sued them all for the reasons listed. Its just that its been a year and since the "anniversary" is coming up, I've been thinking about it more lately. Right now I have myself so worked up that I am near tears from the migraine pain. I'm barely sitting up right now, my head hurts that bad. I haven't had a stress migraine like this in a looong time.

I have been waiting for them to get their and sometimes I feel liket they are golden and their dues will never be paid. Sometimes I feel like if I did sue the company (and win) that I'd have validation. That I was a good employee and person... that THEY were the bad ones. I just need to feel like someone (the courts?) realizes I was not the terrible employee they turned me into, and that I feel like someone needs to make them realize that.

It doesn't help that right now my company is floundering (not my fault... the economy here is wretched) and they aren't hurting the way I am. Thats not fair. They hurt me day in and day out for the time I worked for them, and they continued on after I left. I honestly have no idea how I survive that poisonous environment. I was put on anti-anxiety meds because I wasn't handling the stress. I went off it once I left the job. Just thinking about it is making me a wreck...lol... if just thinking about the job wrecks me, imagine a lawsuit? UGH! I guess I just had to vent.

Reading your story makes me realize how jaded and costic I really am hehe. If it were me, I wouldn't have been so patient with BI and the boss, but then again I would have been fired months before! I don't think getting lawers involved is a good idea. Sure it would get you satisfaction monitarily but for what purpose? God has this way of making bad people suffer, leave it to Him to judge! If they keep treating people badly, they will get caught and punished.

My dad always told me "Living well is the best revenge"

If you succeed, it will irk them a lot more than if you sue them

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My dad always told me "Living well is the best revenge"

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Your dad is very wise!!! :) I'm in a similar situation myself, right now and words like his give me strength to move forward!!!!!

I have to say I agree with most everyone here, a lawsuit would just be taking you backwards again, in a way. I undersatnd why you might want to, but to you really want to live it all over again, for what?

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I feel like if I did sue the company (and win) that I'd have validation

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The only validation you need comes for within, God and your loved ones. Not from the courts, and certainly not from that Biz.

You know you are a good employee, you said it yourself, they just "MADE" you feel like a bad employee, but you know they
where wrong, you are the best

The reward is not in the money you get from a lawsuit, the reward come from not letting then get to you, in being the best you can be and not letting jerks like them effect you. Your reward will come by being the best at what you are doing now, move forward with that, hold your head up high and know you are better then them.

Just my 2cents.

Oh Kim, (((HUGS))) for what this man has done to your self esteem. I have lived this way as well from my ex-husbands opinions of me! PLEASE turn it over to God, and know that HE and ONLY He can make this right. No, it won't go away over night, but God knows what is right for us all, and in His time it will all come to closure. You are a wonderfully talented artist, and I pray that you can draw on your Faith to make you aware that you have a wonderful God-given gift. Please try to love yourself, be thankful for your gift, and continue to share it with the public!

Anytime you want to chat .... just let me know!

(((HUGS)))
Kim

I really understand how you feel! Been there myself.

However---

If you don't have a journal of all the instances of harrassment, you really don't have a lot to present in court. If you can reconstruct, with dates and times, witnesses and specific acts, you MIGHT have a case. And it costs a lot in time, money and emotions to sue on a MIGHT. I would suggest just moving on.

It would be better for you to concentrate on the future. He will get his, maybe years from now and maybe you won't even know it. You really don't need him to control any more of your life than he already has.

I talked my problem out with a counselor a few times and got myself redirected. (Not a psychiatrist. United Way found someone who charged according to income.)

Mary

Well, I am not the best person to give advice since I'm in the same predicament and don't know what to do. It sounds like you have a case. I would at least talk to a lawyer and see what he says. You need to act quickly because I believe you only have so much time to file from date of incident.

I am not a lawyer and this is not legal advise. I have worked in the area of employment law for many years.

FIrst of all.... in most jurisdictions you have 300 days from the time the discrimination occurred to fill a claim of discrimination. You may be past that.

Another thing about discrimination...it must be based on your membership in a class, race, gender, religion, ethnic origin, age (over 40) or disability. One thing I try and stress with people is that being a jerk is NOT illegal. Being a crappy boss is NOT illegal. Wrong, yes....unfortunate if you are the employee, yes...but not against the law. There is no law regarding who should be laid off or what order. Nor is there a law requiring severance. Nor is an employer required to pay one person more or less than another for any reason other than they want to do so (unless it is based on race, color, religion, ethnic origin, sex, age or disability.)

Even though most settlement agreements include a confidentiality clause.... you are right ....these things become known.

I have worked with people who could not shake their focus from the wrongs that have been done to them. That prevents them from looking forward and moving on. I agree that living well....succeeding.... is the best revenge.

Put the energy you are wasting on these jerks to better use. Be successful. You are very talented and you would be "letting them win" to do anything less than be happy and successful.

Kim, first of all you have to calm down. Getting yourself so worked up that you give yourself a migraine and break down into tears isn't doing anyone any good. Take that adorable little Evie/Abby with you and go rest for a bit. Think only good thoughts and envision calm peaceful scenes. DO NOT allow yourself to start drifting back to thinking about this.

After you've calmed down, you will realize that like Sara says, you are very talented and will go far with your talent if you allow yourself to, and don't let things like this hold you back. I know self-esteem is sometimes hard to come by, but you need to hold your head high and believe in yourself! You are not too fat or too frumpy or too anything they said. Instead, you are a beautiful, wonderful caring person with a great artistic talent. They are the ones with the problems and you shouldn't let their insecurities fuel yours. I've noticed that when people run other people down, it's their own insecurities that make them do it and I don't believe in that. You are better than they are in so many ways, and you need to never forget that.

Like Sara says, instead of wasting energy on this, put that energy to constructive use, to something that will help better your own business/family/life and forget about those jerks. They will get theirs someday, and by that time you'll have put them far in the past and won't even care anymore.

{{{hugs}}}

Kim sweetie I really feel for you, your thread made me shudder, to think what has been done to you, just irks me so much, and to think it is happening on a regular basis, irks me even more.

I sure can understand how you feel about suing them, I would want to as well, as to make sure they don't get away with it, but like others have said, is it really going to help you in the long-run, what has been done emotionally to you cannot be fixed by money, but I do believe if you won, the satisfaction in knowing they did not get away with it, would help you immensley.,but it is only something you and you alone can decide.

I Cannot imagine anyone saying these things about you, the Kim I know and care about, is a wonderful person.

Your amazing talent just blows me away, its obvious from your posts you are a very intelligent person, who also has a big heart, full of compassion.

Kim I know its easy for me to say, but please try not to feel bad about yourself, you are truely admired here and just you know what a great person you are, and their opinion counts for absolutely NOTHING.

Having said that, I can hear your pain expressed here, and I don't know how to alleviate it for you, but just want to reach out and give you a great big virtual HUG.

Thanks everyone! You have made me feel so much better. honestly.

I called someone today that was given to meas a possible business lead. The guy was very nice and we chatted about where I've worked. I reluctantly told him about my last company and he laughed and said, "I worked there many years ago and couldn't wait to get out of there. I stayed as far away from BI as possible." I had to laugh too. So the guy was even making men's lives miserable! :D

And I had heard through the grapevine that my old company had LOST a client's furniture. They had received it in their warehouse and then *poof* it disappeared. I LOVE to hear stories like that! LOL. So maybe they ARE getting their due in little pieces.

I don't have any advice on the legal question but I wanted to say I agree that working on your damaged self confidence will really take time and effort and I know it is very difficult. I think destroying someone's self confidence is one of the most cruel things a person can do to another person, especially when it seems so deliberate like you described. It makes my heart ache that people can be so horribly cruel.

I know it is still affecting you and I imagine it will for some time, but I think you're conquering it bit by bit. As you have seen, PT is a wonderful source of support and encouragement, I think sharing here is a nice aid to your healing process. I truly hope and pray you continue to heal, keep fighting it and don't ever give in to the feeling that you are of low value.

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Originally posted by catnapper
Thanks everyone! You have made me feel so much better. honestly.

I called someone today that was given to meas a possible business lead. The guy was very nice and we chatted about where I've worked. I reluctantly told him about my last company and he laughed and said, "I worked there many years ago and couldn't wait to get out of there. I stayed as far away from BI as possible." I had to laugh too. So the guy was even making men's lives miserable! :D

And I had heard through the grapevine that my old company had LOST a client's furniture. They had received it in their warehouse and then *poof* it disappeared. I LOVE to hear stories like that! LOL. So maybe they ARE getting their due in little pieces.

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See, God is revealing his purpose to you already!!!:D ;)

Kim, I'm glad you're feeling better about this, and everyone's responses here have been wise. When I first starting reading, I thought of my own situation in my previous company and at the time I never even considered suing. Then, after the fact, a friend of mine was talking about it and brought up the question of why wasn't I bringing a lawsuit of discrimination against my employer? I seriously thought about it, because it's a fact that they didn't have to lay me off when they did (last May - so it's been 1 year and 5 months now). It was a "political" thing because the "people in power" didn't like me because they didn't like my dad or the fact that I was a woman. One of my colleagues was laid off (he was vietnamese) and another one of my colleagues (who was a woman in an upper management role - bad combo) was also laid off before I was. :rolleyes: I was so mad at the time, and I think I will always be bitter because why is it that the a$$holes get away with crap like that and make a ton of money??!!
Anyway, I have since found another job in the tech industry and am doing really well. I also had some sweet victory at hearing that my previous company finally bit the big one! :D I don't feel sorry for them, and I hope the jerks that caused the company to go down get their just reward.

Think of it as a good thing...you're better than them, they didn't deserve you and you are so much better off being away from that situation. Who knows what lies ahead? You just may come across something even bigger and better. I know I did! :)
**hugs**
Karen

P.S. Not sure if these apply, but my company has jobs available!!! :D

http://egain.com/about_us/job_listings.asp

I agree that unless you happen to have great documentation and possibly even witnesses, that it woun't cause you more harm than good.

On October 30th you should CELEBRATE!!! Go out to dinner or do something else nice for you or your loved ones (including your kitties.:D) Make it the anniversary of getting your life back and being free from such poisionous people. Don't dwell in the past, you know you are so much better than those people. Aren't you glad that your kitties have you for their meomie instead of someone like your awful ex-boss?

If you want, come over to Thursdays in the Dog House. We're serving up mini-bottle drinks and carving pumpkins.:cool:

I can not answer you about the law suit.

I can't believe how cruel your boss was to you.
What a horrible place for you to have to work
under those conditions.
Be glad you are out of their, nobody deserves
to be treated like that. :(