Mediation/Arbitration????

Has anyone used mediation/aribitration in divorce?

We are approaching the "dark side" to see if he would participate in it to get this thing over with.

We sent a letter and settlement to the "dark side" over a month ago and no response. My lawyer suggested we try this avenue before court. This things been ongoing for getting close to 2 years now. It needs to end. There's a couple of doggies at the local rescue that I know would love to live with Cali, Diego and I. Need to be done, need to get a house and out of the condo and make some doggies really, really happy.

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Originally Posted by Queen of Poop

Has anyone used mediation/aribitration in divorce?

We are approaching the "dark side" to see if he would participate in it to get this thing over with.

We sent a letter and settlement to the "dark side" over a month ago and no response. My lawyer suggested we try this avenue before court. This things been ongoing for getting close to 2 years now. It needs to end. There's a couple of doggies at the local rescue that I know would love to live with Cali, Diego and I. Need to be done, need to get a house and out of the condo and make some doggies really, really happy.

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This is all dragging on too much mate. It must be taking it's toll on you emotionally.
I'd give the mediation a go, and maybe some orders can be issued that must be complied with....or else !!!! ;)

I'd say to give it a try. At this point it couldn't hurt. This guy is a piece of work. Sounds like he's only doing this to keep you guessing.

Would be wonderful for you to be able to start your new life in your own home with Cali, Diego and maybe a new friend.

Sorry, I don't have any experience with mediation or arbitration.

It sounds to me like he's dragging it out to torture you -- and because he thinks you'll want to get it over with and resolved so badly that you'll agree to his unfair demands. :(

I can't imagine going thru all the crap that you're going thru. When I got my divorce (uncontested), I paid $100 to file the papers with family court, and I had my divorce decree in the mail in less than 2 months. My ex even reimbursed me half of the filing fee. You can tell he was heartbroken over the whole thing - right??? :rolleyes::D

I don't like the sound of this either. Not one bit. Trust your instincts and follow through with the most rational plan ya got. Then get a restraining order or move as far away as possible so you never have to deal with his sorry ass again.

Gayle, I have no experience either. I wish there was something to charge him with, or a court-mandated psych evaluation.

If anything - arbitration. When the arbitrator sees the facts - financial and otherwise - in front of them, it will be a no-brainer.

Thanks for the comments and support all. Yes Wom, it's taking a huge emotional toll. I found an outlet in running and I'm now up to 10 kms at a stretch, any less and it's not enough to make me feel better. But even that isn't enough to stave off the depression and frustration. I'm not giving up, I know that's what he wants and its NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! I gave up enough during the marriage, I'm done with that. So we will try this and see, maybe he'll settle rather than take his chances on mediation/arbitration. If not and he won't play ball it's off to court we go. We'll see how sympathetic a Judge is to his plight then! I'm already in for over $15,000.

I went to one meeting on my own to find out about mediation and decided that it would be a total waste of money.

Mine seems to be taking just as long so take comfort in the fact that you are not alone ;)

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Originally Posted by Pawsitive Thinking

I went to one meeting on my own to find out about mediation and decided that it would be a total waste of money.

Mine seems to be taking just as long so take comfort in the fact that you are not alone ;)

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I'm sorry you're "on hold" too. I'm so depressed over it. I had so hoped to have my own home last summer, but that didn't happen, so set my sights on this summer and now it looks like that won't happen either. I'm really struggling with this calamity right now.

As an update, there was no response from the "dark side" to the mediation offer so it looks like we will be forced to do a court filing to try to end this once and for all.

As he said when we asked to sever the divorce from the settlement "there's no good reason to", should I be expecting a fabulous 10th anniversary present later this month, seeing as we are still married? I'm thinking not, but who knows.

Hopefully a judge will see all the delay tactics for what they are, and give you a quick resolution once you get to court. We will be ready to celebrate with you that day, never fear!

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Originally Posted by Pawsitive Thinking

I went to one meeting on my own to find out about mediation and decided that it would be a total waste of money.

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Mediation works if you both want it to happen and are both eager to settle and be finished with the whole business. Failing that of course, there's always
court.
But one must consider the costs involved. Court costs and legal representation can cost lots and lots, so sometimes it's more beneficial for both parties to come to some sort of amicable agreement, and mediation is a way of doing that. A bit of give and take can save a lot of time and money.

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Originally Posted by wombat2u2004

Mediation works if you both want it to happen and are both eager to settle and be finished with the whole business. Failing that of course, there's always
court.
But one must consider the costs involved. Court costs and legal representation can cost lots and lots, so sometimes it's more beneficial for both parties to come to some sort of amicable agreement, and mediation is a way of doing that. A bit of give and take can save a lot of time and money.

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You would think so wouldn't you but not in our case - they couldn't grasp that the only financial bit involved would be the house, neither of us wanted shares of pensions and whatever.......seems they didn't have forms for that ;)

In the American system- mediation is exclusively within the control of the two parties. The mediator (or mediators) is nothing but a go between, a facilitator, a neutral, party. Mediation is non-binding, though any settlement reached is still a settlement.

Arbitration is like a pseudo court/trial. One arbitrator (or three..usually odd numbered) is given exclusive control over the proceedings. You present evidence (though very relaxed in standard) to the arbitrator(s), and a decision is rendered. It can be binding or non-binding.

PT- sounds like you had a bad experience with arbitration, as in mediation (at least in the US) if it wasn't an issue to either party, it wouldn't be an issue to a mediator. Their job is to facilitate, not 'rule'.

I think both have HUGE benefits- one of which is the cost of legal representation at a ARB/Med vs. a trial, is usually way less. I encourage any one that comes to me to look at that as a possibility. Many people simply (and stupidly) don't want to do that. They have seen too much Judge Judy and the like to think that court is 'better'. It is rarely 'better'.

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Originally Posted by Pawsitive Thinking

You would think so wouldn't you but not in our case - they couldn't grasp that the only financial bit involved would be the house, neither of us wanted shares of pensions and whatever.......seems they didn't have forms for that ;)

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No forms ???? Oh dear. Your system must be run by greedy lawyers.
Here in Aust you can download all the order forms on the net, fill them in, submit them at the local courthouse for the judge to read, and if he thinks it's fair, then he stamps and signs them......matter ended.
But the two of you must agree to an amicable split, and a share of the assets that you are both OK with. This can be done with a mediator, or without. It's up to both of you.
If you both seek legal representation, then the whole thing will get drawn out.
It will take lots of time and cost you lots of money, and you will end up with less than you had to begin with.
My last divorce ??? Cost me a $45 fee to submit the orders to court....divorce order, property settlement, and child custody order.
Get wise Denise, settle it amicably with ex hubby. ;)

Wom, if hubby performs a disappearing act - and has a history of alcoholism and physical assault - 'settling amicably' hardly fits. I know this is the case in one of these situations; it's the financials that the husband won't settle.

Spouses like this want to take all the toys and go home.

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Originally Posted by Catty1

Wom, if hubby performs a disappearing act - and has a history of alcoholism and physical assault - 'settling amicably' hardly fits. I know this is the case in one of these situations; it's the financials that the husband won't settle.

Spouses like this want to take all the toys and go home.

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Well, if that's the case, then it will cost him far more than what he probably thinks. If he wants to give a lawyer a hefty chunk of his share, then it's his loss.
Unfortunately, nobody wins in a situation such as this. If he thinks for one moment that game playing is fun, then he's wrong.... he'll change his mind quick smart when he gets his lawyers account.
This is why mediation is beneficial, just the two of them and a mediator, no legal representation needed....swat it out, take some gains, take some pains.
They will both be better off. ;)

Allow me to drop in and set the proper stage and update on what's now going on. The readers digest version:

In the beginning my abusive husband claimed MINE!! It's all mine and she gets nothing but her personal stuff. After holding MY personal stuff for ransom for 10 months he finally relented and I got some of my things and we agreed to sell our lake property, he would keep his toys and the acreage home and I would be paid out. Since then he's run the lines of credit to the max and tried to go beyond. He's not attended 3 booked sessions to work towards a proper settlement, he's still claimed MINE! So we suggested mediation/arbitration to try to get this thing done once and for all. After weeks with no response it came last week, after almost 2 years, he shoved it all across the table and said YOURS! Now I've said no way dude. You had to have it, now I'm not cleaning up your crap, don't want it, put it up for sale and we'll meet with the mediator to figure how to split the proceeds equitably given how he alone has rung up over $100,000 in extra debt.

Talk about games, and it's not fun and hugely expensive. In the end was it worth it? Did he win big, will he? Doubtful.

QOP - did you ever consider a hit man??? :eek::p:D Just kidding of course - but it would probably be less expensive than all that you're going thru. :p

It seems to me that once you are legally separated, you stop to being responsible for his credit. Your responsibility for your joint credit stops the day you were legally separated.

But I guess that varies from state to state and to country.

My personal take on divorce is that even contested, it seems that after so much time, you should be able to get out. But that's just my take.

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Originally Posted by Queen of Poop

. . . .Since then he's run the lines of credit to the max and tried to go beyond. He's not attended 3 booked sessions to work towards a proper settlement, he's still claimed MINE! So we suggested mediation/arbitration to try to get this thing done once and for all. After weeks with no response it came last week, after almost 2 years, he shoved it all across the table and said YOURS! Now I've said no way dude. You had to have it, now I'm not cleaning up your crap, don't want it, put it up for sale and we'll meet with the mediator to figure how to split the proceeds equitably given how he alone has rung up over $100,000 in extra debt.

Talk about games, and it's not fun and hugely expensive. In the end was it worth it? Did he win big, will he? Doubtful.

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hh

Hell, I don't know anything about divorce but this crap really needs to be over with. Me and Mikey are still on your side of course. :D We will be here to party with you when it's over.

In fact, the speakers are already up, we just need a dance floor. ;)

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Originally Posted by mrspunkysmom

It seems to me that once you are legally separated, you stop to being responsible for his credit. Your responsibility for your joint credit stops the day you were legally separated.

But I guess that varies from state to state and to country.

My personal take on divorce is that even contested, it seems that after so much time, you should be able to get out. But that's just my take.



hh

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And that is one of the issues. He thinks I should be on the hook for it all and I say not a chance, I saw no benefit from any of it. So until an arbitrator or judge decides it's a stalemate. When our one year separation came and went I requested twice that we sever the divorce from the settlement so that I'm not the Mrs anymore. His reply, no, there is no good reason for it. So in 9 days will be our 10 year anniversary. I so wish it could be over, pray for it every night in fact.

So note to anyone out there who is in a questionable relationship - GET OUT, run for the hills and don't look back.

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Originally Posted by pomtzu

QOP - did you ever consider a hit man??? :eek::p:D Just kidding of course - but it would probably be less expensive than all that you're going thru. :p

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Snicker, snicker. You're not the first to make that particular comment!!

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Originally Posted by Alysser

Hell, I don't know anything about divorce but this crap really needs to be over with. Me and Mikey are still on your side of course. :D We will be here to party with you when it's over.

In fact, the speakers are already up, we just need a dance floor. ;)

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Awwww Mikey, I love you!!!

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Originally Posted by Queen of Poop

Allow me to drop in and set the proper stage and update on what's now going on. The readers digest version:

In the beginning my abusive husband claimed MINE!! It's all mine and she gets nothing but her personal stuff. After holding MY personal stuff for ransom for 10 months he finally relented and I got some of my things and we agreed to sell our lake property, he would keep his toys and the acreage home and I would be paid out. Since then he's run the lines of credit to the max and tried to go beyond. He's not attended 3 booked sessions to work towards a proper settlement, he's still claimed MINE! So we suggested mediation/arbitration to try to get this thing done once and for all. After weeks with no response it came last week, after almost 2 years, he shoved it all across the table and said YOURS! Now I've said no way dude. You had to have it, now I'm not cleaning up your crap, don't want it, put it up for sale and we'll meet with the mediator to figure how to split the proceeds equitably given how he alone has rung up over $100,000 in extra debt.

Talk about games, and it's not fun and hugely expensive. In the end was it worth it? Did he win big, will he? Doubtful.

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Geez mate, you picked a real ripe one there.
Go with the flow and come out of it the best way you can ;)
I'm sure he'll eventually regret his actions.