Is it okay to say goodbye

I found my cat back in May, 07...well, I didn't find him, he found me. One night as I parked my car I heard a cat meowing. At first I couldn't see anything because it was dark... I didn't pay much attention and started to walk in the house, then the sound took on a new urgency so I searched a bit and saw this cat coming closer to me. It was too well groomed to be a stray so I gave it some love and went back in the house. Next morning from the window I saw him lounging on the back porch chair, so a new friendship developed and I begin to feed him and play with him after I got home from work. Where I lived at the time pets were not allowed, so he stayed in my back yard and seemed perfectly contend with his new home.

About six months later I moved into a place that allowed pets and everything was great...for about a year. Slowly over time my love for him changed, and I spent less and less time with him, sometimes not even wanting to touch or be near him. It wasn't one thing, it was just a bunch of little things that over time wore me down and made me feel a lot of resentment towards my cat. Things he did that were once cute became an annoyance, sometimes I couldn't even stand to hear him meow(I would take my shoe and slap it against the wall to shut him up). Once he was welcomed to share my bed, then I begin to dispise having hair all over my sheets and would throw my shoes at him if he got on my bed. It progressed to the point where I would pretty much lash out at him for anything that I felt was displeasing. I would yell, scream, chase him with my shoes, shoot him with water gun... I've even scared him to the point where he would defecate on the spot. I would always feel bad and sometimes I would pray to god to give me guidance. Things would be good for a week or so then he would do sometime else to upset me and I would go back to abusing him. It's been a never ending cycle for the past 2 months. I feel bad for him that he has to put up with me, but I feel worse for myself that I could be so cruel and indifferent.

I have put up a few ads on craigs to see if I could find him a new home, but I can never leave the ad up before I start to cry and feel that I should give it another try. I know he deserves a lot better because I read the stories on here and know many of you truly love your pets like your own family. I wish I could say the same but I can't. I don't know what I should do, and how I might feel when he's not here anymore. And if I did give him away there will be always feelings of guilt and wondering if I did everything I could for him. So my question...is it ever okay to say goodbye?

For the sake of your cat, it is ok to say good bye - in fact, it is necessary!

Also - please get yourself a medical checkup. Obviously things with you and your kitty were fine for a while. Something else is going on, and you take it out on your cat, although I know you feel bad about it.

Please, please, get a checkup and an emotional health assessment. Any problem you have will not go away when the cat is gone...it will just turn into something else and you will still be unhappy.

If you cannot stand to put an ad on Craigslist, check with the Humane Society or even your vet for a no-kill cat shelter in your area.

Again, it is not only okay to say goodbye - it is ESSENTIAL. Reread your post and you will see why.

Please keep us posted.

My heart is broken for you and your kitty. Did this change start suddenly or gradually over time? Has anything happened recently to cause you a lot of stress and anxiety? Definitely get to your doctor for a complete physical and be sure to tell your doctor about how you've been acting out against your kitty. I get the sense there's something bothering you big time.

I would hate to see you give him up even though this is a bad situation all the way around. But there might be an option for you. You might want to ask your vet about having someone foster him until you're in a better place. That might give you some time to clear your head and put things in better perspective. If he's fostered and you find you miss him, he can come home when the time is right.

You owe it to yourself to figure this out then do whatever you have to do. If there's anything I can do to help, please feel free to pm me. Prayers are already being prayed for the right ending for both of you.

Find a home for your cat and get him out of harm's way. You didn't even mention his name so I feel that for his safety he needs to be in a home where he can be loved and cherished and not abused.

Get some counseling as soon as possible. The abuse that you have directed towards your cat is dangerous rage for whatever reason. I don't want to play pop psychologist here but I feel you're on the brink of doing something much worse to your cat or to yourself.

As Catty1 said, saying goodbye is not only ok, it's essential. I believe in putting people first but it's imperative that you find this cat a home and then tend to the business of taking care of yourself.

As difficult as that was for me to read, I have to say there is hope for you. You realize that you are not treating this cat well. Many people who abuse animals do not think they have a problem. I agree with the previous posts, you should seek medical attention. You take this out on a cat right now, but once the cat is not there you might take it out on something or someone else (or even yourself).
Do not think you are failing the kitty. You are doing the best thing for the cat and yourself.

Please continue to come here and read our stories, it might help you in the long run as well. Good luck!

I think you're absolutely right in wanting to find a new home for your cat - but I'd recommend not using Craigslist. Laboratories use it to pick up cheap or free specimens for experiments. Ask your vet where's the best place to post his availability, and do be sure to ask a reasonable adoption fee so that he doesn't end up in a lab cage (or an Asian kitchen!) Your vet can help you decide on a fee too.

Love, Columbine

thank you guys for the genuine concern, but I want to make a few things clear. I am not mentally unstable or in such a state that I would physically maim my cat or myself. Note: When I describe the things I did to my cat I am not justifying my actions.

The problems begin when I stopped free feeding my cat because he would barf 3-4 times a month(I tried many type of brands and had no success with any of them; I posted a thread on this subject about 6 months ago on this forum). I found an article that suggested overfeeding could be a possible cause. When I put him on a routine of 3 meals a day that stopped the barfing, but he begin to search for food and do things to to find food that were unbearable(jumping on counters, digging into trash cans, constantly crying and meowing for attention/food...etc. Yes, that's what they do naturally when they're hungry, but the drama caused a blow up between myself and persons in my household) I got the water gun as a way to reprimand him without using force, when a few squirts didn't work I used my shoes, when that failed I yelled, screamed, chased him around the house, and scared him terribly(yes, that was abuse). I just could not get it why he would do things over and over that displeased me. Add this to the fact that I felt more and more limited in my personal life because of my responsibility to care for him got to be a chore, something that I once enjoyed but slowly came to resent him for. My love for him had dwindled to merely having him around because he was there, and somedays I couldn't bear to see him or hear his voice.

3 weeks ago I got rid of the water gun, and I have stopped chasing him. Now I just don't want to have anything to do with him most of the time. I feed him, I clean his bedding/litter box, but I don't allow him to get close to me or purr in my lap like he used to. If he does anything to upset me now I lock him in the bathroom. When I'm working at my desk he'll meow and try to get my attention but I ignore him, if he continues to meow I will hiss and stare him down. I'm putting a roof over his head and food in his dish, and he deserves more than that because it's not his fault that I've stopped caring. He still loves me despite the things I've done to him, and he probably can't understand what he did to make me hate him so much.

I said to myself if you can't love him then give him to someone who will. Someone who will love him and take care of him without any conditions. When I took him in I thought I was that person. I promised him that I would never give him up for anything, no matter what. Now I feel if I let him go I let him down and I let myself down. I just know what I'm doing isn't right and if things don't improve the cycle will just repeat over and over. I can't give or receive love unless it's in my heart, and I know right now I don't have it in my heart to love him back.

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if you can't love him then give him to someone who will.

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This.

At least you recognise it, find him a new home and say your goodbyes.

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Originally Posted by engsohere

Now I feel if I let him go I let him down and I let myself down. I just know what I'm doing isn't right and if things don't improve the cycle will just repeat over and over. I can't give or receive love unless it's in my heart, and I know right now I don't have it in my heart to love him back.

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You're not just letting yourself down, you're letting your cat down as well. If this continues, the time will come when he'll stop coming to you for food or attention or anything at all. He'll run away and possibly get hit by a car or someone may get ahold of him and abuse him even worse than you have. Or even worse, he may turn on you and give back what you've been giving to him.

The problem did NOT begin when your cat vomited a few times; it began before then inside you. The problem is not w/your cat, it's w/you. Find a home for your cat NOW and stop making excuses for your behavior and for your failure to find him a home. Neglect is just as bad as abuse. I won't tell you again to get help for yourself because you deny needing help. Very well. You don't deny that your cat needs help. SO GIVE IT TO HIM!

I totally agree with what others here have said. Please find kitty a new home, where he will be loved and wanted. He has done nothing wrong and doesn't deserve the treatment that you are dishing out to him. He must be totally confused, poor guy, since all he really wants is your love and attention. If you can no longer give that to him, please find someone who can and will.

About six months ago, I gave up a cat who I had never connected with for some unknown reason. I fussed her, cared for her, talked to her, but there was no bond and it always made me feel very guilty. I cared for her out of duty, not out of love. I also worried frantically that another home might not care for her well but her need for affection was great and I finally decided that I had to turn her over to the shelter where I volunteer. She didn't do that well in a cage at the adoption center where I visited her at least once a week. I'd taker her out and sit with her, trying to show possible adopters what a great cat she is but she was there for months. She's all black so I knew her chances of adoption were slimmer than if she had been a different color. Then, a family with two girls adopted her and adored her. They loved the fact that she demanded attention with constant talking. Now, with a four sets of hands to fuss her, and four people to pay attention to her, she is finally getting the home she always deserved.

Your cat needs a different life, and so do you. Are there no-kill shelters or rescues in your area where you can take him? People who work there are well versed in how to look for a good adoptive home and may well find a better home than if you did this by yourself. They also have lists of people who should not adopt cats, a resource you don't have and that is very, very important. You don't want your cat to go from a home where he isn't wanted to one where he might well be abused. The people on the do not adopt lists are ordinary people who would fool anyone.

If you want me to help you find a home for your cat, let me know. I live in Washington state but have a wide range of contacts in cat rescue.

:) I will say this I do Admire your Honesty & that you do Relalize the kitty is of lack of love & attention.. Yes I agree with the others Say Your GoodByes & give the baby to a Loving FurrEver Home..

Yes & Welcome to Pet Talk & enjoy all the talks & pics..

He sounds like he's a very friendly, loving cat who wouldn't have any trouble fitting into a new home, and he deserves one where he could get the affection he clearly craves. I agree with the suggestion of finding a no-kill shelter - but so many of them are full that I don't know what kind of luck you'd have finding one who'd take him. Still, it's worth a try. Just don't offer him for free to anyone but a shelter or a good friend, or he's certain to end up in the wrong hands.

Love, Columbine

Find him another home. Its the best thing for both of you.

Also, might I suggest you seek out therapy for yourself? I'm being honest and concerned, not sarcastic or judgemental. Typically, when feelings change as drastically as they have for you, there is an underlying depression or issue that you need to work through. I fought the idea of therapy for years, as has my husband... and the past 6 months of therapy has done amazing things for us individually and as a couple.

I will try and be as calm as possible. I have not responded to this thread because I didn't want to respond in anger, but I have to voice an opinion on behalf of the cat who happens to reside in your house. I went back and read every post from you in all threads before I said a word.

You are abusing this cat. The poor thing seems to crave attention and love and is getting none. It needs to be rehomed before it becomes hostile due to your "treatment". All of us have dealt with issues (regarding the behavior of our cats) that are trying but we don't throw things at them, chase them around the house, or scare the living daylights out of them. One acquaintance of mine did that ONCE (chased her and scared her) to my Pinot-girl. I've known this man for over 25 years; after that incident he has not been invited back to my home. She can be a trial, but she's my girl, and that won't change. Period. That's the way it should be with any pet in your home. They're your children. If that's not the case, they belong somewhere else, and you shouldn't have any pets. I hope this kitty finds the loving home it needs.

That's all I can say and it was as controlled as I could make it.

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Originally Posted by Pinot's Mom

I will try and be as calm as possible. I have not responded to this thread because I didn't want to respond in anger, but I have to voice an opinion on behalf of the cat who happens to reside in your house. I went back and read every post from you in all threads before I said a word.

You are abusing this cat. The poor thing seems to crave attention and love and is getting none. It needs to be rehomed before it becomes hostile due to your "treatment". All of us have dealt with issues (regarding the behavior of our cats) that are trying but we don't throw things at them, chase them around the house, or scare the living daylights out of them. One acquaintance of mine did that ONCE (chased her and scared her) to my Pinot-girl. I've known this man for over 25 years; after that incident he has not been invited back to my home. She can be a trial, but she's my girl, and that won't change. Period. That's the way it should be with any pet in your home. They're your children. If that's not the case, they belong somewhere else, and you shouldn't have any pets. I hope this kitty finds the loving home it needs.

That's all I can say and it was as controlled as I could make it.

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Thank you. I couldn't have said it any better.

I know many of you may think I'm a monster and my conduct reproachable. I fully comprehend the things I've done to my cat are disgusting and vile. There are no excuses for my actions. Nothing can be said or done to undo what has happened. I am not concerned about what you may think of me as a person. My concern is carrying out the best course of action for the well-being of my cat.

I'm not a parent and have never had children, but I would imagine what I'm going through now would be similar to a parent saying goodbye to their child. It's not an easy decision. Truth be told, there's a part of me that wants to put in the effort and make things right, then there's another part of me that wants to throw in the towel and let the chips fall where they may. I've said before that I've stopped loving my cat. It dawned on me that love is not a feeling, it's something you do and express by action. I asked myself would I keep him if I had unlimited resources? Then I realized it's not about how much or if I still loved him, it's about how much I'm willing to do to keep him.

People who love and care about animals are a special breed, especially those who love animals nobody wants. When I see what some of you have sacrificed to keep your pets beside you, it serves as a reminder I am in no position to complain. I admire your compassionate heart and your selfless dedication.

It's strange the things you will disclose to people you don't know when you have the protection of anonymity. If you ask me what I hoped to accomplish by posting my story I honestly can't tell you exactly. I do know there are many of you on here way smarter than me and have a better perspective on life than I probably ever will.

For those of you who sent me kind thoughts and prayers, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Ultimately, I need to make the final decision on my own. I will do my very best to keep my emotions in check and do what's best for my cat.

We will not judge, we just hope that Your Cat can find a New Furrever Home.

I've sent you a pm asking if you can, and want to, send your cat to me so that I can foster him until I can place him in an adoption center through the shelter where I volunteer. I see from your previous posts that his name is Karma and the photographs you posted show him to be a very lovely cat. I'm sure we can find him a new home fairly easily. This is a time, as it is when our pets are suffering through a terminal illness, to be unselfish and think only of the cat.

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Originally Posted by Lizzie

I've sent you a pm asking if you can, and want to, send your cat to me so that I can foster him until I can place him in an adoption center through the shelter where I volunteer. I see from your previous posts that his name is Karma and the photographs you posted show him to be a very lovely cat. I'm sure we can find him a new home fairly easily. This is a time, as it is when our pets are suffering through a terminal illness, to be unselfish and think only of the cat.

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What a generous offer. I hope this person takes you up on it. Bless you for going above and beyond for this kitty.

It was so upsetting to read about engsohere's poor kitty. Especially the part where he defecated. He didn't do anything wrong and deserves the best. His luck seems to be looking up already because of you.

bump

For the cats that I still live with, the ones that have died from sickness and old age, and for the cats I do not know- including your own, my heart is breaking.

I will help, Lizzie, financially. Simply send me a pm with the details if you hear further.

Thank you, Cataholic, that's very generous of you. Unfortunately, I haven't heard from engsohere. I hope we hear something soon because we are all going to worry until we do.

It's a fact that some people are not meant to care for pets... You need to have the right heart and the right attitude of taking on the resposibility of loving and caring for an animal... even if they're not behaving in the manner that they should be.
It is absolutely not acceptable to mistreat an animal... For Any Reason!
I have to honestly say that im so deeply disturbed by reading this thread! On the other hand i'm glad it's here... The world needs to be reminded of animal cruelty so that changes can be made, and that these innocent furbabies get the love they deserve and so badly want.

I do hope that this fur baby finds a home that will love and take proper care for him for the rest of his life, and that he can forget the trauma that i hope will soon become his past.

To those of you wanting to help and are in arms reach... God Bless you! :love:

I'm not convinced that this is even a genuine post, I don't know. Whatever the case, this person is abusive by his own admission. It's also abuse to do this to people here on PT as well. Unfortunately, I've had more than my share of experience w/abusers of animals and women and children. They all get a sick kick out of getting people all worked up over their actions and/or, in this case, their words. If this does turn out to be a genuine case and Lizzie is able to rescue this cat, I, too, will donate but not unless and until I get proof that she has the cat in her possession. Abusers always have excuses for their behavior, none of which is acceptable in my eyes. I'm not hard hearted, just experienced and I know a line of BS when I hear it.

:confused: That was just what I was thinking as well Mary.. I do hope that if this person is true then they will give the baby to Lizzie..

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Originally Posted by Medusa

I'm not convinced that this is even a genuine post; perhaps it's another troll, I don't know. Whatever the case, this person is abusive by his own admission. It's also abuse to do this to people here on PT as well. Unfortunately, I've had more than my share of experience w/abusers of animals and women and children. They all get a sick kick out of getting people all worked up over their actions and/or, in this case, their words. If this does turn out to be a genuine case and Lizzie is able to rescue this cat, I, too, will donate but not unless and until I get proof that she has the cat in her possession. Abusers always have excuses for their behavior, none of which is acceptable in my eyes. I'm not hard hearted, just experienced and I know a line of BS when I hear it.

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Originally Posted by lvpets2002

:confused: That was just what I was thinking as well Mary.. I do hope that if this person is true then they will give the baby to Lizzie..

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I, for one, hope that it isn't true. I hate the thought of a cat being abused. It keeps me up at night which is just what abusers love, that control over others, the power trip. I get angrier every time I read this thread.

:o Yes I agree.. Well we will soon find out wont we.. If Lizzie gets a reply of they to take the baby then we will know wont we.. If Lizzie does not hear anything then that will tell all & the person went down under.. I just hope the kitty gets too a Safe & Loving Home..

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Originally Posted by Medusa

I, for one, hope that it isn't true. I hate the thought of a cat being abused. It keeps me up at night which is just what abusers love, that control over others, the power trip. I get angrier every time I read this thread.

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Like Mary, I wonder if this is for real. However, engsohere/Allen has posted on this board previously.

His introductory post is here - http://petoftheday.com/talk/showthread.php?t=129725

Next came this - http://petoftheday.com/talk/showthread.php?t=130004

Last year the cat was barfing, and he had no vet, or at least, none that he trusted - http://petoftheday.com/talk/showthread.php?t=142224

Is he for real, or does he just have an itch to aggravate once every 12 months?

Engosphere, it is okay to say good-bye, and sometimes best for both the cat and the person concerned.

Find kitty a new home, and you will both hopefully be better off.

Please, find the cat a wonderful loving home and for God's sake, please don't ever get another pet.

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Originally Posted by Grace

Like Mary, I wonder if this is for real. However, engsohere/Allen has posted on this board previously.

His introductory post is here - http://petoftheday.com/talk/showthread.php?t=129725

Next came this - http://petoftheday.com/talk/showthread.php?t=130004

Last year the cat was barfing, and he had no vet, or at least, none that he trusted - http://petoftheday.com/talk/showthread.php?t=142224

Is he for real, or does he just have an itch to aggravate once every 12 months?

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Ah yes, I remember now, only after reading the threads that you posted, though. Thanx, Grace. I see also that he didn't post any updates on the threads. I don't know what his game is and I don't care. He needs to surrender the cat ASAP. Judging from his past threads, though, it's doubtful that he'll update us but just keep us hanging and wondering and worrying. I think I'm not going to check this thread any more. I get too emotional.

Much obliged, Grace. Although Mrs Grace neglected to add that, if you contain people in a small space and make them wait, doing nothing, for more than a day, they will pay any amount of money for food and drink and consider themselves benevolent. They will even get very intentional and enthusiastic about putting labels on other people who are less discerning.

Okay...again..WTF? Please explain. I am realy afraid for this animal. Please accept the offers of help.

After reading engsohere's post #34, I'm convinced more than ever that this is not a genuine issue - it's just someone taking delight in upsetting people. Obviously, it's "mission accomplished".

Engsohere - if you really do have issues and are concerned for the cat, how is it that you never even mentioned anything about it in #34, or even acknowledged Lizzie's offer??? :confused:

Did you ever hear the expression "put up or shut up"???

What a sick individual:mad: You've definately been reported for disturbing the peace of pet talkers... I gaurantee you that.

For the love of God... if this is true and the kitty really exist, surrender the kitty.
You should be scared of Karma. Things always come back to bit you in the end.

I think the lack of any further communication from engsohere confirms my suspicion - just another hoax and someone just trying to upset people! :mad:

Allen and I have been in communication and he is thinking things over, as is right and proper. I'm sorry that I didn't post but my Alexander is at the end of his life and will be euthanized this weekend, and three other fosters needed vet trips and extra attention. Also, I post at work and I tend to catch up on work emails while eating lunch, it's that crazy busy here at present. I will post when I know more.

Sorry - it just seemed fishy since it appeared to follow the way that most other hoaxes go. I hope he does right by kitty. My apologies if he is sincere, but his last post led me to believe otherwise.

So sorry to hear about Alexander.