Mother-in-law vent

I am having some MIL troubles....everything I do with Ty is wrong. She lectures us because we get Ty vaccinated, if she thinks we don't dress him warmly enough, I don't hold him right, etc. If I say or do something different than how she did it, or how she thinks it should be done, she has a comment. And she doesn't say anything nicely, she is very abrasive. I don't even want to see her anymore. I don't really know how to handle it but to sit down with my husband and tell him how I feel. He is of course blind to most of it. He is not especially close to his mother, but she is his mother and he just doesn't see what I see. Anyone else have MIL problems?

I sorta do. My MIL is not abrasive but she always seems to be sort of questioning the way I do things. Like if Hannah ever fusses she MUST be hungry and I must be starving her. things like that. She's more condescending than abrasive... I know she doesn't mean any harm but I think she thinks hubby and I are clueless because it's our first child. When she gets that way I just say " she is not hungry... she just ate. She just needs to be cuddled by her mommy" or something along the lines of "I am her mom... I do have her best intrest at heart"

it doesn't make the issue go completely away but it kind of makes her stop and think for a second.

If she is abrasive with you perhaps you need to return the favor in order for her to get it.... it's not a pleasant situation to be in. she did things a certain way and times have changed and now things are done a little differently. Just say something along the lines of just because she did it one way does not make your way wrong.

I'm sorry you have to deal with that :(

welcome to my world :rolleyes:

MIL´s can be soooooo annoying... thay can make you feel so frustrated...

I mean offering help or tips on babies is ok.... but WE ARE THIER MOTHERS!! not them!!... LET US DO OUR JOB!!!

I completely understand you.....my best advice is to not let it get into you.... just take what helps and toss the rest.... the vast mayority rest LOL... whatever you do is wrong and will be wrong for the rest of your life...but if they do the exact same thing then it´s right... :rolleyes:

we should make a MIL antifan club.... what a great place to vent on them :p

So glad I'm not the only one.....I have always found her to be abrasive but she got so much worse when I had a baby. It can be tough to deal with. We were at her house last weekend for a few hours and when we left we put Ty in his snowsuit and got ready to leave. She starting flipping out because we didn't put a blanket on him too (it wasn't THAT cold out...). I just said, "He'll be fine" and we left. Then I just found out from my SIL that she was complaining to others that we don't cover Ty well enough and he had to have been freezing :rolleyes:

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Originally Posted by Husky_mom

we should make a MIL antifan club.... what a great place to vent on them :p

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What a great idea! And we can vent everytime they get on our nerves (ooh I may not have time to do anything else then.... ;) )

Oh man that must be so frustrating Jen.

I am lucky mine lives in Florida so I am not under a microscope all the time.

Although she frustrates hubby and I both when she tells us that we just don't understand how it feels to love Hannah so much... UM pretty sure we do lol we are her parents after all... we MADE her lol.

A tip I read on Dear Ann or Abby, one of them, many years ago - she was advising a woman who had the same problem.

Or actually - I think another woman wrote in to the column with her advice.

Anyway - whenever she got berated or hassled by the MIL, she would say, "You're absolutely right. I don't know HOW you tolerate it."

Tended to stop the barrage right in its tracks.

Might work with ANY annoying person, actually! ;)

Just had to say, I love my mom-in-law, they are not all awful!

I would speak to your husband about it, and let him know it does hurt you, and ask if he'd be willing to talk to his mother about toning it down.

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Originally Posted by Karen

Just had to say, I love my mom-in-law, they are not all awful!

I would speak to your husband about it, and let him know it does hurt you, and ask if he'd be willing to talk to his mother about toning it down.

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no they aren't all awful. I love my MIL too she is a very wonderful person and has done a lot for us. She just doesn't think sometimes before she says things lol and I don't think she realizes that sometimes its hurtful. she does the same thing to her own daughter with her first child. It's just how she is :D

She sounds like she feels left out and lonely. She may have the best intentions. She's probably just trying to be included. Unfortunately, the way she's doing it makes her sound like a disapproving, critical know-it-all.

You might try asking her questions about when your husband was Ty's age. She may just be dying to share with you her "pearls of wisdom" :rolleyes: on childcare. Even if you think it's all garbage and intend to disregard all her ideas, my advice would be to try to listen without feeling criticized.

After all, she didn't do too bad of a job, did she? She learned what to do -- or what not to do -- by raising your husband and he turned out great, right? :)

Seriously, she may be a total beotch, I don't know. But, she may only know how give advice in the form of criticism. She might chill a little if she felt like her opinion mattered to you. Even if it doesn't, you could pretend like it does once in a while.

I had the most perfect mother-in-law in the world. She lived 3000 miles away and thought it was too expensive to call Alaska! :p

I'm not married, but I love Bruce's mom. It's his SIL that I have a problem with sometimes. :rolleyes: I do not have children, but did work with them for 12 years. I sometimes do not agree with the way she does things with her son, but I'm sure not going to say anything to her about it. And I just know if we did have children she would voice her opinion without hesitation.
Just another reason I'm glad we do not have children, besides our furkids. And the SIL actually loves Zoee. :D

My own mother gave me horrible advice! I don't know how us kids ever survived, things like oh rub alcohol on her for the fever. Or better yet bundle her up she is hot. I just calmly told her that those things are no longer recommended, of course I got the "you survived fine!"

I am sure it is hard to stand back and have no opinion but when it becomes condescending or demeaning that is just uncalled for and you need to put your foot down.

Tell her "you know.... HE (your husband) survived all the mistakes you made with him and my baby will survive all the mistakes I make. They don't come with a manual so we do the best we can!"

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Originally Posted by Laura's Babies

Tell her "you know.... HE (your husband) survived all the mistakes you made with him and my baby will survive all the mistakes I make. They don't come with a manual so we do the best we can!"

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Well said! I would add to that "thank you for your input but when I want your advice I will ask for it"

You should talk to Shawn about it Jen and ask him to tell her to back off. You are doing great with little Ty because you are his Mommy

Do what I do with my own mom or MIL:

Whatever the circumstance:

"Oh yes, thanks for the imput, that is probably a great way to do blabla etc ... but I prefer blabla.

Call me stubborn but I like to do things my way... which is not necessarily wrong! :p

Hey Jen just be glad your MIL isn't like my girlfriend's. Her's threaten to evicet her, her husband and their two month old son in December because they wouldn't buy the trailer they're renting from her. :rolleyes:

I have to admit. I love my MIL I just get annoyed with the people around me who hassle me about the way I care for my daughter. I get told I'm a terrible mother because I feed my daughter about 4 teaspoons of rice ceral a day because if I don't she'll drink anywhere from 12 - 16 oz bottles every two hours. By the way her doctor has okayed the rice ceral because of her size and she is more developed than a normal 15 week old is.

My late mother-in-law could be quite a handful, to be sure. We didn't agree on much of anything. I was divorced w/a 5 year old son and that isn't exactly the picture she had in her mind for her son to marry. We even had several years where we didn't speak at all and during the holidays when we would visit my BIL and SIL, my MIL would walk out of the room if I was there. But years passed and we both wised up and now she's gone, her son and I are divorced and it all seems so silly now. I'd give anything for a do over. I know this probably isn't what you want to hear and, believe me, I do empathize w/you because when you're experiencing it, it's irritating and you don't want to cause a rift between your husband and his mom. Just know that "this too shall pass" and I've learned through the years to ask myself "Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?" If it isn't true or kind, then it certainly isn't necessary to say anything. This has helped me w/my (then) severe case of "foot in mouth disease". :)

My own MIL used to tell me about her own in-laws when she was raising her kids. They all had something to say about everything. She said that she used to thank them for the advice - not say anything snippy - and after they left


SHE DID AS SHE D___ WELL PLEASED!

Hmmm....might it be worth asking the MILs about THEIR MILs?

Occasionally, I am grateful my mother in law doesn't know I exist or where we live!

Thanks everyone! I talked to Shawn about this and he said that she has always had an opinion about everything and he has just learned to tune her out. Guess that's what I have to do. I do feel bad for her, I think that she is a very bitter woman. I did ask Shawn to speak up a little more, and he agreed. I know some of the things she has done with my nieces (for example, she told one of my nieces that her other grandma is bad and mean, and that she didn't have to follow her parents rules if she didn't want to) and I don't really want to deal with that either. Hopefully she's more mature than that now but I'm not sure.....

You could use the line my daughter uses on me on just about everythign we talk about... "MAMA! Times have CHANGED!"

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Originally Posted by Laura's Babies

You could use the line my daughter uses on me on just about everythign we talk about... "MAMA! Times have CHANGED!"

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Well, this should be enough for most MIL, but if this one is able to tell children that the other grandma is bad and mean, it probably won't work :(

Although I must say that I am not a great fan of my MIL ;) , I am rather lucky on this point. She avoids commenting, if she does it's only occasionnal and very soft. I think she trusts us.

My mil is a sweet and saintly woman. I intimidate her (I know because she has told me so.... :rolleyes: )

On the rare occasion she works up the nerve to offer me advice....I smile and thank her graciously...and do what I want to do. :D

uurggghhh!.. I hate when they "think" the only rules for a kid to follow are theirs... I mean I understand that they don´t have the responsability of raising them and want to spoil them as they could not do with their own... but then it leaves US to deal with the indiscipline they are promoting!!

it´s ok to spoil their grandkids but don´t belittle their parents rules.. just reinforce them !! is that toomuch to ask?.....