I've been hiding... Here's my story.

About a month ago, I started hanging out with this guy I've known for about a year. We got close and actually started dating. A week into our 'relationship' he decided to tell me a few key factors about his life.

-He was 34, not 27 like he TOLD ME. Even the name he gave me was a lie.
-He was in prison for eight and a half years for ten counts of sexual assault.
-He is currently on probation (unless they've revoked it yet, he's back in jail because of all the lies he told me) for fifteen years.

All of this, he decided was okay to tell me AFTER the fact that I had spent the night at his house, kissed him, told him I loved him...

I remember the night he decided it was time to tell me. He sat me down and held my hand. I had known he had been to jail (not necessarily prison, but jail) and that he had a pretty nasty record. But being the person I am, knew I had to hear what he had to say and see if we could move past it as a couple.

The first thing he said was that he wasn't 27. I started shaking. He said 34 and tears started to roll down my cheeks, but he couldn't see them, because my head was resting on his shoulder. He just kept holding my hand. He was quiet for nearly ten minutes before he went on. He said, "If you were going to hate me because I'm 34, you would have left by now. But since you're still here, I'll keep going."

And he did. He told me everything, except he sugar-coated it. The sexual assault was because 'his girlfriend was younger than him and they got caught having sex,' and I fell for it. I just cried. He left, kissed me, and apologized. And I bawled the whole way home. I was so ashamed in myself. I got home and cried for two hours. Here I was, completely shattered because I (thought I) had gotten to know this man. I had feelings for him and EVERYTHING WAS A LIE. I was TRULY happy that week that we had dated, and there I was, a bawling mess because he was nowhere NEAR the man he told me he was.

I quit eating. I didn't bother getting out of my pajamas unless I had to go to work; even there, I was a zombie. My parents were walking on eggshells around me, because they knew everything that had happened. I couldn't sleep; I cried nearly every day for weeks. I had given this man my trust, my love. I do not trust people easily, but for some reason, he gave me the ability to trust him and open myself up to him.

My sister is a cop, most of you know that. She talked to his probation officer, and he got in trouble for violating certain probation rules. He was set to go to jail because of the violations, for about a week. That week turned into two, because his probation officer got word of the fact that he had given me a fake name. Now he's facing revocation of his probation because a false name is considered a Class H felony.

I still, to this day, even though he's been in jail for two weeks and I haven't been able to speak to him, feel disgusted, remorseful, ashamed, embarrassed, hurt, worthless, violated, used and every other horrible word I can think of. I have to learn to love myself all over again. I have to learn to trust, to love, and to be myself again. People keep telling me, 'Honey, you didn't know, you couldn't have known, it's not your fault, don't feel so bad about yourself,' but no one gets it.

I've never been the pretty girl. To have a guy give me the time of day is a miracle. This man actually seemed to care about me. And I truly felt he did. But upon talking to his probation officer, she kept saying, 'I'm just worried for your safety. He is a very manipulative man, he knows how to work the system and people. I just am so worried about you, you need to be very careful with him.'

And I cried, more. It was all a game to him, apparently. He lured me in, just like he intended to. I cannot explain how awful I feel about myself. How STUPID I was to get lured in by this psychopath and NOT EVEN KNOW. How could I be so STUPID?

I get through it, day by day. Today was just one of those days. I was okay writing this up until the paragraph before this one, and I started to cry. I know maybe I'm just over-exaggerating and I'm being an over-emotional teenager, but I've just been put through such an emotional strain the past month, it gets hard to cope. Sometimes I just need to cry.

There you go. That's where I've been hiding the past month. I know some of you will judge me for the mistakes I've made (and seem to keep making), but I just needed to vent and get it off my shoulders.

No, sweetie, we will not judge you for the mistakes you've made. We will help you learn to love yourself again. It may take some time to trust again, but remember that you did nothing wrong, he lied to you, and has obviously done so in the past to other young women.

Now is the time to make yourself a list of good things about you - need help? We'll chime in ...

Be glad that you are rid of him already. Don't contact him again when he gets out, it will not help you "heal", or get over him.

IMO you shouldn't invest so much emotion in a man you have been dating only one week, and have known for only a month. Telling a man that you love him is something huge and you shouldn't rush into in.

Don't class yourself as ugly and worthless (which is what I am reading between the lines). If you think you are nothing, people will treat you accordingly.

Get in the shower, go do something fun, and move on. Life is too short to waste your time crying over any man, let alone ********s.

That's the thing about master manipulators, they have this ability to make us turn on ourselves. You've said such negative things about yourself but not much about him other than that he's a psychopath. Look at it this way: rather than feeling duped and punishing yourself for it, consider that you were saved from a tragedy. Either your life w/this guy would've been hell or he may have done something worse to you. Sexual assault is SERIOUS. The fact that he's still manipulating the system and trying to manipulate you means that the problem lies with HIM, not you. Dry your tears, take hold of your thinking and be grateful that you're young and able to go on w/nothing more serious that happened to you except a bruised heart. Bruised, not broken. As for trust, be more discriminating next time. It's all for your protection. You're OK. :) Now please keep it that way and don't take calls from him and don't contact him either. He's history, a brutal reminder of what could have happened but didn't. You have been saved, lucky girl. :)

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told him I loved him...

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You said you loved him after a WEEK? How is it possible to be in love with someone after a week...?

If your a teenager what are you doing dating a almost 30 year old man anyways?

I hope you don't run into anymore troubles with this guy and learn a good lesson. That seems really scary to go through but like your family said you didn't know and couldn't know.

I know it's really easy for anyone not in your situation to say all kinds of things that we think would make you feel better. But I'm not going to do that. I'm just going to tell you that we are here for you. Any time you need to talk, vent or cry we will listen and not judge you (or at least I won't and I know most PTers won't).
I do believe we learn from our mistakes. Those mistakes usually hurt like hell, but you can learn from them.
You WILL get through this. I know it may not seem like it right now, but you will.

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Originally Posted by buttercup132

You said you loved him after a WEEK? How is it possible to be in love with someone after a week...?

If your a teenager what are you doing dating a almost 30 year old man anyways?

I hope you don't run into anymore troubles with this guy and learn a good lesson. That seems really scary to go through but like your family said you didn't know and couldn't know.

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I'm 19, he TOLD me he was 27. Eight years isn't that bad. My dad and step mom are eight years apart, my grandparents are 11.

Also, it wasn't after a week I told him I loved him. I have KNOWN him for over a year now. We were FRIENDS for a year before all this happened. It's not like I met him, and a week later was telling him I loved him. I've known him for a while.

As for forgetting about him, I am. I want this past... MONTH to just be erased completely. But it's not working. If they want to revoke his probation, they will have to go to court, and guess who gets supeonaed as a witness? Yours truly. I gave them a statement about what happened, why can't I just be left out of it now? I'm in college, I'm working, I don't need to sit and wait for them to decide a court date and dwell on the fact that I have to SEE him again.

No one uses their best judgment all of the time. It's hard to go through life and not be taken advantage of by some creep sometime (there are sadly way too many).

I think what shows that you deserve more credit than you're giving yourself is that when you found out the truth, you got yourself away. If you have to see this man again in court, it will be different. Time will have passed, and you will feel differently. No use worrying over what may not be now.

I hope you are able to feel better soon.

First off - I'm sorry this happened to you.
2nd.
you are to be commended that you went with your gut instinct and got OUT of there! a lot of girls with low self esteem would think - oh he's the best I can get and I'll just stay with him.
THANK GOD you had the smarts to get out of Dodge!
we all make mistakes but we pick ourselves up and learn from them.
My only hopes are you will soon realize and be happy with yourself. You do not need a man to be happy and that he rots in jail.

Dont ever think low of yourself, it just gives other people the right to walk all over you. Hold your head up high and you are very pretty I've seen photos of you and that man is a complete fool if he couldn't see that.

I cant say I know how hard this must be for you but if I was you I would stay as far away as possible, for someone to be able to lie to your face like that is a classic example of a very dark person who will continue to twist his lies to make you feel guilty. In his eye he may not of done anything wrong but obviously he did and hes been punished for it. You dont need someone who can blatently lie to you face to face and it might be smaller lies but where would they stop? if you was like me you would be doubting nearly everything in your relationship and its not a foundation to work on at all, In my opinion if you can be lied to and let down then the other person obviously has issues and doesn't take the relationship as serious as you did.

The age gap is even more scary considering hes lied to you and said he was younger, You have known him a year and hes suddenly just sprung this on you? Hes not a very honest or considerate man in my opinion

Is there anyway you can do a video link in court if needed? might be a good idea to look into that.


To be really honest you need to snap out of it, it will be hard but get back down to basics here, would you really want to be with a man who could be old enough to be your dad? a liar and someone with sexual assult history? It sounds to me like hes done this before to another girl and theres a word for people like him who prey on young girls like you. You need to cut all connections with him and I would stand proud in that court room and tell them everything, Hes obviously hasn't learnt his lesson, Would you want another girl to go through what you are going through?

You say so many bad things about yourself and I am sure a guy like that knows when he meets someone who is insecure and knows how to take advantage of this situation. So it is HIS fault and HIS problem and not yours.
Try to work on your self-confidence. Everyone here knows that you are pretty and that you have many skills- and that is what it's all about. Mr. Right will not be the prince on the white horse but there will be a good guy for you.
(My granny told me when I was thirteen that I would never get a man with the character I had and I believed it- but it turned out not to be soo complicated ;))

Thanks everyone. I'm doing much better today, sometimes it just hits me and knocks me to my knees.

Just to add to this-- Remember I mentioned that they were talking about revoking his probation? Well if he FIGHTS the revocation, they will need to go to court. I'd have to be a witness, blah blah blah, I told you all that already.

Well. Sara, his probation officer took the statement from me about two weeks ago, if not more. She told me she would call me in a couple days to tell me how it went and whether or not he was fighting the revocation (which any sane individual would, who would WANT to be sent back to prison?) and just let me know what was going on. She called me the next day to get my address to send me some paperwork.

Okay, that was TWO WEEKS AGO. She NEVER called me to tell me how the revocation went and she NEVER mailed out the "paperwork" I was supposed to get. I called her today, left her a voicemail asking her to please call me because I wanted to know what was going on, but I never got a call back.

I'm pissed off. I don't want to be involved in this crap anymore. She's not even trying to maintain contact with me to let me know what's going on. I'm so frustrated! She wants me to be a witness and all that, but why can't she keep me informed, like she promised?

GRR.

That's all I have to say. =]

She may be busy with other cases as well - think how overworked people in her job often are. I'd call tomorrow morning first thing, if she's not available ask to speak to her boss, ask when she'll be in, and then continue calling every hour until you get to speak to her.

*HUGS* I don't think I could of said it any better. I've made my share of dating doozy mistakes so I can in no way, shape, or form judge you.

One day at a time.

Sweetie you know i would never ever judge you, everyone makes mistakes, as long as you keep learning from them, that is what counts, i can only say count yourself lucky sweetie, that you found out this before it went any further, i am sorry you got hurt and are hurting,in time you will get over it and move on, you are a strong girl, a young woman with a very loving heart,don't be down on yourself,you have had a lucky escape, you take care now .http://i264.photobucket.com/albums/i.../GJ-Hugs01.gif

I am sorry this happened to you but very happy to see how you dealt with it when you found out. You are a warm loving person and will one day find someone just as nice as you to team up with.. Be happy you escaped from what could have been a nasty situation! Hugs to you!

Thank you for the support, everyone. I feel wonderful today, I'm very happy.

I talked to his probation officer, Sara the other day. She said that he is admitting the false name charges and they have the hearing set for March 20th. Which is fine, except... I'm leaving for Jamaica on March 21st. Sara said these exact words: "I'm done torturing you. I'm so sorry you have to be involved in this anymore. I have a statement from you, that should be all I need. I'm going to try my hardest to make it so you DON'T have to come to the hearing. I want this to be over for you."

I could have told her I loved her right then, lol.

I DO NOT want to see him again. I'm worried that seeing him will either scare the daylights out of me (because of what I know now), or make any feelings I have buried deep inside of me, resurface. I DON'T want to see him or hear from him, ever again.

Wish me luck on being excluded from the trial, lol. =]

I'd send her a nice Thank-you note, and repeat your hopes not to have to attend the hearing. Hopefully a written statement will be enough, ask her if there's something you can sign with witnesses or something.

I hope what Sara said it true and you don't have to go to court and see him again.
I have to Echo what Staci said and tell you that I'm proud of you for getting away from him and staying away from him!!
{{{HUGS}}}

Oh I know. The first couple weeks after he went to jail I was so upset... I was stuck in this mindset that he was still 27 and we could get over this... He'd get out of jail and we'd get over it.

My parents, my friends, you guys... all have helped me see that I got myself out of what could have been an AWFUL situation. I am so over this. SO over it! I just want to move on and be happy. I'm sorry that I messed up his life, but honestly, he had it coming. Like you've all said, he needs to be put away. I've come to the realization that yeah, he was probably trying to get to me. Maybe there wasn't really any real feelings involved. It could have ended so terribly. If my parents hadn't intervened...

*HUGS* I'm so happy to hear you're feeling better. I truely hope you won't have to go to trial. Lots of love sent!

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Originally Posted by buttercup132

You said you loved him after a WEEK? How is it possible to be in love with someone after a week...?

If your a teenager what are you doing dating a almost 30 year old man anyways?

I hope you don't run into anymore troubles with this guy and learn a good lesson. That seems really scary to go through but like your family said you didn't know and couldn't know.

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Why do you always need to be so damn judgmental?

I don't think buttercup was being judgemental, she is herself a teenager if i remember rightly and the points she made were valid.,however i agree perhaps her choice of words were a bit harsh,although i am sure megan took no offence, and know's herself what a lucky escape she has had.

No, I think there was just a misunderstanding.

Just as a note, I don't "love" people easily. It takes a lot to get me to open up to someone. There is NO WAY I would be able to know someone for a week and then tell them I love them. That's stupid. I've known him for a year, I had (what I thought) was reason to say I love you, because (I thought) I knew who he was.

*crosses fingers*

No trial... no trial... :D

Everything good or bad that happens in our life, is a lesson! I'm sure you've learned to be more careful now and that you won't put yourself in this situation again. Please do not blame yourself, especially for "messing up his life"! HE messed up his own life by being a liar and abuser!

(((((((((((HUGS))))))))))
Kim

I'm echoing Kim's statement above. There is no way to learn in life without the mistakes we ALL make. We may not all make the same ones, but we ALL make mistakes. Its more than obvious that you've learned from this and you got away at an excellent time, sweetie. ((((hugs))))

If it were me, I'd suggest possibly going to visit with a therapist to be sure you don't have post traumatic stress syndrome. You may find this to be when you get into your next relationship.

Lots of (((((hugs))))) and prayers that you WONT have to go to trial and that this is all behind you.

Hugs,
Kelly :)

P.S. You are NOT stupid, btw. People like this guy know EXACTLY how to lure women in. It is his way, his expertise. You were in NO WAY STUPID, ok sweetie? Please know and believe that. People like this guy are very sick, you were correct in calling him a psychopath...or a sociopath. Be glad its behind you and don't be down on yourself. You made the BEST decision and you got away from something potentially very harmful. You trusted your instincts...

Thank you all for such kind words. It's still hard, because the time we did spend together was amazing... whether or not he meant any of it, it still made me feel wanted and special. But I'm seeing now that it was all a game, and I need to move on. Better things are yet to come. =]

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Why do you always need to be so damn judgmental?

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I'm not.
I didn't know she had known him for a year and when you see a teenager (I don't know her exact age) dating a 27yr old it's a bit shocking.

It said it all in my first post. I had known him a year before the word "love" got tossed in. No, my age wasn't mentioned. I am 19. I'll be 20 in October. (Sccaarrrryyy.)

No hard feelings. Just make sure you know the whole story before you start accusing me of things. ;)

OMG this is so horrible!! I feel so badly for you hun!! Dont worry about anyone judging you! Hes the one who will meet his maker for the lies he has told you, and probably others.. I really hope you dont hold this grudge on yourself for trusting this man..Everyone makes mistakes, and I am so happy that you got out fo the situation before it got worse.. DONT BLAME YOURSELF!! People lie, and some men are VERY good at it, just to manipulate girls to get what they want.. Sounds like this guy has some serious issues. and hes messed in the head.. Just be happy it all came to the serface now instead of later..
I have been minipulated by a guy before too. he also lied about his age telling me he was 26 and actually being 33!! He really messed my head up, but I am so happy I seen the mistake it was to be with him, because if I didnt get out I am sure I would be really unhappy right now..

Trust yourself, and always trust your instincts.. and Dont ever look down on your self.. Noone is psychic, and you are only human..
hope you feel better soon..
We love you!!!


*******huggsssss********

I'm glad you were saved from some very nasty possible scenarios involving this looser. You must think of this all it the proper frame of mind. YOU didn't ruin his life. He did that all on his own. YOU shouldn't be questioned for going out with a 27 year old...HE should be questioning why he needs to be with someone clearly out of appropriate age range. Even if he WAS 27, most 27 year old men don't date teenagers. Clearly he's looking for someone young that he can control. Onyl YOU can give him that control. It belongs to you!
I think you explained everything fine in your first post. Stay safe and don't let him take away the loving person you are.
Claudia

omg Ilovemyabbygirl i feel so bad for you!!
you should not be ashamed of yourself
that man lied to you and its not your fault.
i hope you feel better and if you need someone to
listen to you, im all ears :)

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Originally Posted by buttercup132

I'm not.
I didn't know she had known him for a year and when you see a teenager (I don't know her exact age) dating a 27yr old it's a bit shocking.

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You were brusque in your statements. But maybe that's how you phrase your words since they do come out like this many times. Trying to see a positive there, instead of saying it was purposefully mean. Maybe you just need to try to phrase things a little more delicately, diplomatically, or with some tact?

As for the other comment about a teen dating an older person....
A teen dating a 27 year old is not any more shocking in this day and age, especially now in the cities where you see teen girls dressed up like they're 25, clothes and makeup and all that (and who buys it for them???). Many times the guys have no clue the girls are so young. No one tells their real ages any longer. Younger girls say they're older, older guys say they're younger cause they like the sweet young things at Junior and Senior High. It's all a game. Look at all the shows on TV now. I mean, look at Gossip Girl, or back to Buffy or the 90210 days. Those girls were NOT actiing like teenagers. The roles that girls see set for them these days on TV and movies have them believing that at 14 years old they are adult and can take care of themselves and make all their own decision.

I'm glad that this girl was able to see that the guy was a bag of pond scum, and a manipulator and got the heck away from him. Those types prey on girls like that, girls who don't think enough of them selves.

You've got to value yourself, otherwise, others will think nothing of devaluing you in any way they can. Be strong and believe in yourself. You have to.

Thanks everyone. I think, in a way, this has opened my eyes a little. I'm seeing how bad my trust issues are/were. Since this has all happened, I've been hanging out at the Union in my school (where everyone hangs out, tv, pool table, tons of great food!), talking to people, making new friends and just trying to get myself out there. I'm usually a very quiet person, but I'm learning to open up.

It can only get betterrrr...