Confused and mostly alone
This is a long post and mostly pointless...if you get to the end of it, thank you for listening.
Life as of late has me exceptionally confused...and I really don't know where to turn to for advice. It's 6 am-ish here..and I don't really feel like going to bed even though I haven't been to sleep in over 24 hours. I've been having really disturbing dreams, most likely prompted by whats happened recently in my life.
First off, a really good friend of mine had a miscarriage on valentines day. I'm not sure if when it happened is bothering me as much as it happening at all but overall it still makes me sad. My friend confided in me that she didn't feel ready for another kid (she has one already), especially with the person she is with now. I question (silently mostly) why she is even with the guy, as she has told me several times that she thinks of him more as a roommate than a potential spouse. Is it an obligatory thing, as she feels she owes him? Or is it that she feels she needs the safety net that her relationship seems to provide to her. This girl means a lot to me, even though sometimes I feel like I am at her beck and call and more of a "relationship" to her than her boyfriend (which is doubly complected as her boyfriend is my husbands brother). Sometimes I feel like she talks to me only when she needs something, be it monetary, emotional or otherwise. Most of the time, if I ask for comfort, I feel brushed aside. Through the whole miscarriage thing, I've listened and have been supportive through all of her changes of mood on the subject. Part of me wants to help turn her situation around but part of me feels as if she is her own woman and will make her choices as she sees fit to make them. Whats worse, is John is fighting with his brother over the whole thing because when my friend did get pregnant, Johns brother got high and mighty about it and started making cracks about Johns fertility and usefulness as a "man". I miscarried about three months ago, and the subject of kids and pregnancy is a sore one for John and myself and really rubbing it in was an immature thing to do in my opinion. John at this point refuses to talk to his brother, and refuses to be comforting because when I miscarried all his brother had to say about it was "get the *expletive* over it". John is upset that I am still friends with the woman and I can understand why but at the same time she is one of the few female friends I have (that isn't on-line). I guess thats why I put up with the flaky behavior and the constant need for my attention in one format or another. I guess this is the perfect opportunity to bring up another thing thats been bothering me since I heard about it earlier today. I was informed that a friend of mine (different than the above mentioned friend, just to clarify) was killed early yesterday morning in a car accident involving a drunk driver. From the information I've been able to get a hold of, what happened was she was going through an intersection and the drunk driver ran the red light and T-boned her so hard it ran her small economy car into oncoming traffic where she was struck by two large vehicles. She was killed instantly as far as I know, but the details aren't exactly clear. She left behind a 4 yr old son. The last time I talked to this woman, she was telling me that she was sorry for what her sons father had done to John (A stupid dispute over the fathers drug habits and how they were inappropriate when raising a child that escalated into a physical confrontation involving law enforcement) and that despite the fact that John and didn't get along with him, she still wanted to be friends with the both of us. Making matters more complected even still is that the friend was also an ex of Johns brothers, an ex that even though they parted on bad terms they still endeavored to remain somewhat friends. I imagine that Johns brother is upset over this, perhaps more so than I am. I suspect as well that his girlfriend is comforting him in this time of loss, despite the fact that the person her boyfriend is grieving over is an ex girlfriend, and at one point, direct competition for his attention. In fact, his ex and him were together during a period in which his current girlfriend was out of the country on an extended basis. I'm not entirely sure if the relationship he and his ex had was made clear to my friend, nor have I offered any information on the subject to her, as I believe (maybe wrongly I don't know) it is not my place to start drama between them, at least not intentionally. Today I needed a shoulder to cry on, someone I could talk to about loss and mortality that wasn't my husband. Don't get me wrong, John has been very comforting but at the same time he is having a hard time being compassionate as he still is very upset and hurt over the incident involving the child's father. I could not get a hold of my friend, for whatever reasons she was ignoring her phone and her boyfriend never passed along my messages. I'm having a real hard time coping with the fact that one of the few times I come for emotional support (I must admit she HAS been tolerant of me whining about my issues with John when I needed to vent for the most part, although I always feel like I am inconveniencing her) she ignores me in favor of comforting her boyfriend over the death of an ex that wanted to take her place. I'm struggling with feeling like this, as I know that as his girlfriend it is her job to be supportive of him but when do you stop supporting someone who abuses you? Am I being petty in expecting her to be supportive of me during this difficult time too? To find comfort, I even tried talking to some of my on line pals but most of them had a very “go away I don't want to hear about your problems I have issues of my own too you know” attitude. Like loosing a friend to some drunk jerk isn't that big of a deal and I should shut up and move on with my life. I'm struggling with the very nature of my existence on this earth and what it all means to be mortal and all anyone can say is a halfhearted “I'm sorry.” I look and see I have over 50 friends on my Yahoo messenger list and between AIM and MSN I've got another at least 30 more, yet the overwhelming majority of them really couldn't give a flying feck over a picket fence about me or my internal struggles with life, not that it's really their job to care. Hell, I don't even know who some of them are at all and I'm sure that if the situation were reversed I probably wouldn't care too much if I was approached in a similar fashion. A halfhearted apology would be all I had to offer. Do I even have a right to be upset? These people (with a few exceptions) don't know me really either. It isn't their job realistically to be my support system, at least I don't see why it would be. I'm feeling alone and confused in my feelings. I've never lost someone so close to me due to such drastic circumstances. The only other person close to me to pass away was my grandfather and I came to terms with that even before it happened (whether I realized that or not at the time is a different matter). The thought that life can be snuffed out without warning is a thought that scares me even more now. I know I have to be strong for the living, and continue on with making sure my friends child is cared for in the best possible way (a promise I made to her a long time ago). My spiritual beliefs assure me that physical death is just another step along the journey of existence and that there is no pain or struggle in the afterlife but being human as I am it's hard to reconcile the feelings of fear and grief. One of these days, maybe I will understand.
