More ranting about my niece....

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10-09-2006, 04:14 PM
caseysmom

More ranting about my niece....

Hopefully those that are tired of my whining don't bother looking at this.

I am at my wits end. Any sympathy I had for my niece is gone. I told her she needs to get a job and get out on her own. I went to vacuum her room and see letters on the floor from my files, I have a bag with about 20 large envelopes where I have all of my brothers things organized, this was in my room.

Now I know she is going through my stuff and taking things out. I am the administrator of the estate and not getting a penny for all this work and now she is snooping in my room.

I have spend hundreds of dollars on clothes, hair cuts, etc without one thank you.

I told her she acts like she is better than us, doesn't talk to us and its not working out. Now I realize why she doesn't have 1 friend to her name. I am sorry if I sound heartless but I can't bond with somebody like this.

Okay sorry I feel better.
10-09-2006, 04:21 PM
Rachel

You are not heartless! Time to have a sit down and outline the expectations you have for her, along with time lines for when things need to be accomplished. If she doesn't like it, she has the option to go elsewhere. In the meantime, some household rules (written out) are in order. Helping her prepare for the *real world* is not unkind.
10-09-2006, 04:26 PM
luvofallhorses

you're far from heartless!! you took her into your care and she should show you some respect.
10-09-2006, 04:28 PM
My Peanuts

I'm sorry things are working out this way. She is an adult. If she isn't acting like one, then I'm a strong believer in tough love. Would you mind if she stayed with you longer if she had a job and was more grateful? I'd give her a time frame to get a job, any job, or she has to be kicked out. Don't let her starve, but don't let her get away with murder either.

I've never lost a parent, but you need to make her tougher because of it. My cousin, who is now more like my sister, lost her mom when we were 14 years old. Now over 11 years later she still uses it as an excuse. She didn’t get tougher, so got weaker from the lose. This wasn't because of a lack of tough love, but she is just now getting her life together at 25 years old.

Tell it to her straight. She needs to contribute the family with a good attitude, money, and respect just like everyone else does. I know it's easier said than done, but stick to your guns and let her know you are serious.

I'm 25 years old and I still live with my parents, but they don't mind because they know I'm grateful and respectful. Also I have a job and I'm up for a much better one (I find out if I got it this week). I'm trying to save and to move out and they know that. So this isn't a bitter response because I got kicked out at a young age, I still live there! :rolleyes: :)

Good luck.
10-09-2006, 04:29 PM
caseysmom

Her Uncle is going to lunch with us Wednesday (her mothers father). He is going to suggest the military, I really think she would benefit from the military but I am not sure if they would take her she is not physically fit.

I am not sure how a 22 year old can go through life with no friends at all.
10-09-2006, 04:33 PM
caseysmom

My peanuts...I think its gotten a lot tougher the last 2 weeks because she finished her internship and has done not one thing. I ask her everyday if she has put in apps, in 2 weeks she has put in 2 apps online.

She never offers to help with anything, I have to nag her 4 or 5 times to get her to take her car in to change the oil, it wears me out.

I come home from work and she is sprawled on the couch every single day, now since I told her she needs to find a job and move out she hides in her room.

Right now I am done, I don't know if I can forgive all of this, her house was so bad that when I was cleaning it I was vomiting and of course there was no thank you she just got all mad because one of her pans was missing, guess what, after sitting in filth for months the pan probably got tossed!
10-09-2006, 05:12 PM
chocolatepuppy

I have been following your posts about your niece and have not replied as yet because I have not been in your shoes. And I pray I never am. When my BIL died years ago, my niece was 5. My sister had a will made up that if anything happened to her, I would take my niece. She is the closest thing I have to a child. She is 18 now and a fine young woman, so no worries. Her brother however sounds similar to your niece. He is 31 and is back at home, went to college, has degrees and does nothing!!! :rolleyes: If anything ever happened to my sister, I don't know what I would do if I got stuck with him.
I will keep you in my thoughts, I hope you can find a solution to dealing with your niece. I don't think you're heartless at all, you're in a difficult situation.
10-09-2006, 05:15 PM
caseysmom

I just asked her if she went through my bag and she said no. I said this was in my bag and she said no it was laying out. I said no it wasn't and if you don't trust me find someone else to handle all this.

I said you never say thank you for anything, she said saying it doesn't mean enough, I said saying it is a whole lot better than not saying it.

I asked her not to look through all of our forms and mail on our table and she said she is making sure it is nothing she needs to see...whatever, I am at my wits end.
10-09-2006, 05:58 PM
caseysmom

I was starting to feel bad about talking to her about going through my stuff and now she is slamming doors so I don't feel too bad.
10-09-2006, 06:17 PM
Catty1

I think you did right to tell her to leave and get a job.

You have done and had enough.

Just stick to your guns - or she will walk all over you.

You have NOTHING to feel guilty about!

If you had a roomate that behaved like this, you'd do the same thing.

Give her a deadline...and if she does nothing, pack up her stuff, leave it on the porch and change the locks!

Either that - or Uncle had better insist she get her head read!

:mad:
10-09-2006, 10:45 PM
cyber-sibes

Tough situation. I agree that she needs to get herself active and be responsible for herself now. You never know how people are affected by tragedy - maybe she's going through some depression and is acting out? Maybe counseling would help, and maybe not. She sounds like a very angry and self-centered person. It's a shame that after everything you're doing for her, she has zero gratitude. :(
10-10-2006, 09:05 AM
caseysmom

She did thank me for dinner last night and I gave her a big hug. I told her I know she is shy and quiet but sometimes that gets interpreted as ungrateful.
10-10-2006, 09:10 AM
Pawsitive Thinking

Quote:

Originally Posted by caseysmom

She did thank me for dinner last night and I gave her a big hug. I told her I know she is shy and quiet but sometimes that gets interpreted as ungrateful.

The longest journeys start with one step and you appear to have taken it! Well done you!! I'd have wanted to slap her.......
10-10-2006, 09:14 AM
caseysmom

Its really wierd, I have never had such mixed feelings dealing with any other human being. She makes me feel bipolar or something, one minute I feel bad for her and the next I want to slap her.

It is putting a big strain on me and I don't really see an end in sight.....
10-10-2006, 12:37 PM
AbbyMom

I don't have children, so normally I would not respond. But I would like to tell you about my SIL and her daughter.

Daughter got pregnant, had baby, moved back home, got pregnant again, boyfriend moved in, boyfriend couldn't hold a job...blah blah blah..it seemed like it wouldn't end.

Finally my SIL went out and rented an apartment, paid the deposit and first month's rent and gave her daughter the key, saying "I love you, but you cannot continue to live with me. Do what is necessary. Ask for advice if you want, but you cannot stay here. We are moving you into your new apartment on this date...."

This tough love worked.

I admire what you are doing for your niece, and I wish you the best of luck.
10-10-2006, 01:05 PM
My Peanuts

Quote:

Originally Posted by caseysmom

Its really wierd, I have never had such mixed feelings dealing with any other human being. She makes me feel bipolar or something, one minute I feel bad for her and the next I want to slap her.

It is putting a big strain on me and I don't really see an end in sight.....

Hmm, maybe SHE needs to talk to a professional. I find it very odd that she isn't more grateful. Since she doesn't have friends maybe a counselor can help her get some things off her chest? I think anyone, especially a young person, would need to talk to a counselor after losing a parent.
10-10-2006, 03:11 PM
caseysmom

I know that something in her is "missing" if that makes sense. Her brother is severely autistic and I think she has just a touch of it or something. One of the signs is social problems. This is why I don't feel I can just put her out in the world on her own.
10-10-2006, 04:55 PM
Karen

Have you ever read about Asperger's? Might help you deal with her,
http://www.aspergers.com/ as limited social abilities and difficulty relating to people are often part of it.
10-10-2006, 04:57 PM
caseysmom

Karen, The friend from church who had my niece for a few days suggested aspergers..the only problem I feel like okay I get her diagnosed...then what? There are no meds for this as far as I know.
10-10-2006, 05:04 PM
Karen

Quote:

Originally Posted by caseysmom

Karen, The friend from church who had my niece for a few days suggested aspergers..the only problem I feel like okay I get her diagnosed...then what? There are no meds for this as far as I know.

The page I linked to talks about treatment, but lots of it is behaviorial, not medical.
10-10-2006, 05:06 PM
caseysmom

Yes and unfortunately it seems like intervention at a young age would have helped her a lot. Her parents were totally absorbed with the severly autistic child.

I get on here and rant but I do feel like I have made some progress, it probably sounds small but for her they are probably huge steps. Just having some confrontations with me are actually probably good for her. It seems like there was no communication in her house.