What do you call your in-laws?

Debbie's thread about grandparent nicknames reminded me that I was thinking of this topic.

My husband's parents are flying down here to attend our wedding reception. They will stay with us for awhile before returning home.

NOW...this is my first time EVER meeting them, and my first time EVER having in-laws. (he he he) In my culture, calling one's 'elders' by their NAME is considered rude, inappropriate, unacceptable...so...I have to think of something 'respectful' yet 'normal' to address them by. I can't think of anything!

I know many people call their in-laws 'mom' and 'dad'...but for me...while I know my husband's parents, in 'relation' are LIKE a mom and dad to me (not exactly, but somewhat), I just can't seem to call ANYONE mom or dad besides my own parents. Is there any other appropriate word to address one's in-laws with? Why is this such a dilema for me? I can't understand. :D

What do all of you call you in-laws, and just how did you come up with it? :D

Nothing in particular. I just say hello! When I'm talking about Paul's mother, I usually call her my Mom-in-law. If I call her, I say "Hi, it's Karen!" Never really solved that one, I guess!

You can refer to them, for now, as Mr. Xyz and Mrs. Xyz, and if that bothers them as too formal, the impetus is on them to say, "Oh, dear, you can call me 'whatever their choice' is.

I call mine by their names . . . Debbie & Larry. I have been married for almost 3 years and still can't imagine calling them mom & dad. We're just not that close yet.

When I'm talking to in-laws, they are Mom & Dad, if I'm talking to hubby, they are Mom and Dad (you know their last name... just fill it in mentally!) just to clarify which set I'm talking about.

I was married, and, I called my ex's parents a few different things...depended on the mood and the situation. I did sometimes call them "mom and pop," sometimes called them by their first names, sometimes called them what the grandkids did..."meemaw and pappy." honestly, i would either ask them what they want you to call them, letting them know up front that you're not comfortable calling them "mom and dad," or asking your husband to ask them for you.

I call them by their first names when I talk to them. I call them your mom and dad to Richard and I refer to them as my in-laws to others. Of course sometimes I can come up with some colorful names for my mother in law after having to deal with her criticism and gossiping. :rolleyes:

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Originally Posted by popcornbird

In my culture, calling one's 'elders' by their NAME is considered rude, inappropriate, unacceptable...so...I have to think of something 'respectful' yet 'normal' to address them by. I can't think of anything!

What do all of you call you in-laws, and just how did you come up with it? :D

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Why don't you ask your Mother what she called her MIL and what she
thinks is appropriate to your culture? I called my MIL by her first name,
and my children called her Nana.

I called my MIL Nan when she was alive since thats what the kids called her. I tried on the word "mom" but it didn't "feel" right.

I call FIL Fav (sounds like Father without the er) since thats also what the kids call him. When he calls and I answer the phone, he always says "Hi Kim this is Mel." Does he want me to call him Mel? I can't bring myself to call him by his real name.

My parent's came from a generation where it was disrespectful to call people older then yourself by their first name. They both grew up with each other, so before being married they were already calling their respective parents by their title and last name, ex. Mr. Gordy.

That's a lil' too formal for being in-laws though, so they bridged the gap, by using only the first letter of the last name, ex. Mr. G. Over time as they all grew closer, they'd use first names and mom and dad, but a lot of times, out of endearment, a Mr. G or Mrs. G would pop out. :)

Par...

I call my father-in-law by his first name. I have never met my mother-in-law; she is unaware of my exsistance, so never had to deal with that issue!

Jerry & Cindy. When talking to Josh about them, I usually say "your mother/mom, your father/dad". When talking to Aidan about them, I'll say "your grandmother" (can't bring myself to call her what she wants to be called) and Josh's dad is "Pappy" to Aidan.

I call them by their names.... We don't see them too often (maybe once or twice a year) and I don't talk to them on the phone that often either (maybe five times a year) so it's not too often I talk to them.

My husband calls my parents by their names as well :)

I am very close to Mark's parents, probably closer than my own parents. I was especially close to Mark's Mom, and always called her "Mom". As far as Dad goes, I sometimes call him "Grandpa" too, because well, he seems to ba typical one. :D

Mom and Dad for my inlaws.
My FIL has passed away, I refer to him as "Dad" when speaking with hubby or my MIL.

My hubby doesnt talk to my mom that often on the phone.
He refers to her as "your mom" in conversations between two of us.

Ask them what names they would like you to use. :)

I call mine by their first names, but when the baby gets here, I will probably refer to them as Grandmama and Granddaddy just as often as I will use their names.

I called mine Mr. and Mrs. for quite a while. Mind you, I met them I was 40 but still it felt respectful. They always refer to themselves (as when they call) as Walt and Wanda. I finally started calling them that...although like Karen...I really avoid calling them anything.

i call my soon-to-be-in-laws by their first names.

I call my in-laws by their first names, it took me a few years to do so, but once I did I felt MUCH more comfortable then calling them Mr. & Mrs.
It also helps that we go out with them once in a while to bars and stuff, so at times they are more like friends.
As for my hubby, he still calls my parents Mr. & Mrs. even though we've been together for 13 years! He just can't bring himself to call them by their first names. They keep telling him to call them by their first names, but he just still can't do it!!

I'm not married to my b/f lol its only been a month.. but i call his mother.. ummm nothing.. I kept forgetting her name & would just say hello, how are you.. I know her ename now & still never use it... I call his dad by his first name.. these people aren't formal or anything, so its easy to get away with it..

When I was growing up, we had to call our friends parents Mr. or Mrs or Miss X (fill in last name) & my friends had to do the same to my folks.. But times have changed & my sisters friends call our parents mom & dad (I could never do that to someone eles' folks) & my sister calls her friends parents mom & dad :confused: it makes no sence to me & just sounds all wrong. One of my friend tried to call my dad, dad & I litterly jumped down their throat & said his name is Frank...I find calling MY dad dad to be rude in my eyes

I want Jonah's friends, when he acquires them, to call me Johanna. That is my name, my preference. I don't have problems with authority, and it doesn't denote respect for me (others might be different) for me to be addressed as Ms. blankety blank. It denotes formality. It distances us. That is different. I don't want formality in my life. I don't want distance. I want closeness, affection, etc. If genuine affection and closeness doesn't bring about respect/authority issues, I have failed. I haven't aquired it somehow by the way someone addresses me.

There is someone at work that would call me 'maam'. She said, "oh, that is just what I was taught, it is respectful". Really? How can calling someone your junior in age, despite them asking you NOT to be considered respectful? N-O-T!

So, ask your inlaws what they prefer. It is the ONLY sensible thing to do.

Do former in-laws count? If so, I call them...

DEAD

:p :p

I'm not married, but my SIL calls my mom by her first name, and my other SIL just says "hi" and never really uses a name. :p If I were you, I would do as suggested before, ask them what they would like to be called. In the past, I have called my boyfriends mom's "mom" :p Just as Johanna said, it seems to bring you closer. The two women that I call/ called "mom" I was much closer to. :D Good luck!

I call my in-laws Mom and Dad but we are very close. I actually see them more then my hubby does :D

What does your future hubby say you should call them? Maybe he can ask for you since this will be the first time you are meeting them. Or, you could call them Mr. and Mrs. ------ and if they want to be called something else, they would have the opportunity to tell you what they would like to be called.

PCB, I wanted to tell you this when we were "talking", earlier, but my silly internet cut me off.

I always called my first husband's parents "Mr. and Mrs. .........". I think this mostly because I met him in elemetary school and started dating in High School......could never have called them by their first names then!! LOL!! Scott's mom is called "Ann", her first name. Scott calls my parents by their first names, too. But.....you need to do the most comfortable thing for you, to start with, and as you get to know them better, then use the name that they want you to use and the best way to find that out is to ask them, yourself!!!!!

Cataholic....this is a question for you. I do NOT like being called by my first name by children (nor doctors who in turn expect to be called Dr. X...) I cringe when my friends' children call me "Sara" but that is how they choose to raise them.

What will you do if a child is being raised to always call adults Mr/Mrs/Ms? Will you insist they call you Johanna anyway? Will Jonah call you Johanna? Will he call his teachers by their first names?

I can clearly remember the first time I was asked to call an adult by her first name. It was a work situation and she became my first mentor. I felt so privileged and grown up! It was one of those rites of passage.

So I am curious Ms. Johanna.....

When I first met Andy's parents I called them Mr. and Mrs. Miller. When we got engaged I addressed her as Mom Miller in an email and she was just tickled pink. I still called her Mrs. Miller in person. I've been wanting to call her Marilyn but I felt it would be more polite if she requested I call her by her first name. She never has, so I don't.

I haven't called her Mom Miller in person yet, but after the wedding I will. :)

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Originally Posted by Edwina's Secretary

Cataholic....this is a question for you. I do NOT like being called by my first name by children (nor doctors who in turn expect to be called Dr. X...) I cringe when my friends' children call me "Sara" but that is how they choose to raise them.

What will you do if a child is being raised to always call adults Mr/Mrs/Ms? Will you insist they call you Johanna anyway? Will Jonah call you Johanna? Will he call his teachers by their first names?

I can clearly remember the first time I was asked to call an adult by her first name. It was a work situation and she became my first mentor. I felt so privileged and grown up! It was one of those rites of passage.

So I am curious Ms. Johanna.....

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Permission granted! (Though I don't have the authority, since it is PCB thread, but, I have it on good authority she adores the both of us, so, she prolly won't mind :D ).

Therein lies the rub- you and I feel differently about how to be addressed. So, you should do what makes YOU most comfortable (as I am sure you do). Jonah will call me mommy, or some variation thereof....because we share an intimate relationship, and, for most of us, calling someone 'mom' is indicative of a closer bond than calling one by their first name. He will call his teachers by whatever their preference is, though, I imagine it would be by their last name. Again, that is not the same type of close knit family/friends relationship (unless you are in the Catholic church- JOKE!!!). His friends, if they are/were raised to address an adult by Mr/Mrs, well, then, they will call me what their parents see fit, as I only control my world, not theirs. However, I will indicate my preference, and they can make that decision.

I think everyone has the 'right' to make their preference known, and mine is for a more informal structure. I am talking about in general, not as in this thread- I am not saying (for those reading into things) that I think you are questioning my right to post my opinion, as I know you are not. Again, for me, it has nothing to do with respect/authority. It has everything to do with intimacy, as is similar in some other cultures' languages. Our language doesn't have the formal/informal structure, say, for instance that there is in Italian, or spanish.

Because of my advanced maternal age, I have a fair amount of friends with young children. These might be friends I had while I was in high school or college with, and include some neighboring kids. They ALL call me Johanna(which, btw, is always pronounced correctly by the kids...if ONLY I could get the parents on board, LOL). I don't feel anything by it. But, I respect you feel differently.

As for doctors...even my vet addresses me by Ms. Blankety blank, and I in turn, address him as Doctor (well, when I don't slip and call him White Coat). My physican addresses me as 'counselor', and my dentist and I are on first name basis! I agree, those that would take it up a notch, I would probably be bothered by the different levels of formality.

Further, in the professional environment, I do address people by Mr/Ms until they have invited me otherwise. But, that is in keeping with my weirdness, really, as I do not have an intimate relationship with them.

So, my question back to you, Miss Sara, is why do you feel the way you do?


:D

Not much - just regret St George not being around when there's a dragon wants slaying!!

Miss Johanna,

I guess I'm just an old-fashioned girl....<<flutter, flutter>>

I just believe there are some privileges that go with adulthood....staying out late at night, drinking alcohol, making major purchases, calling adults by their first names.

We took Barbara and Siegmar out to dinner while they were here last week. The restaurant was a disaster. Our waitperson, despite our request to two other staff members, could not leave her conversation to serve us. When she finally did, she told us she thought the section closed. Mind you....she could SEE us the whole time. My husband told her this was unacceptable service. He did not yell or swear but he was definitely angry. Her response was she had never been spoken to in that manner and could not accept it. (I expected her mommy and/or daddy to appear at any moment to tell us we were mean to their little girl!)

The substitute waitperson announced we would put the misunderstanding (What??? I understood everything perfectly!) behind us as she proceeded to call us "you guys."

I am not an intimate friend of the wait staff nor my friends' children. I am an intimate friend of my friends.

Familiarity breeds contempt...okay, maybe not contempt but, in my opinion, a blurring of distinction about who is what to whom.

I call them by thier first names, always have.
For me, there is only ONE Mom and Dad.

I never could bring myself to call my in-laws mom and dad, even though the other sibling in-laws did. We lived far away and only saw them every few years. They did not like to be called Mr. & Mrs.....so I mostly avoided actually calling them anything. I would put "mom & dad Harris" on gifts, etc.

I was also raised to address anyone older - as Mr. & Mrs. - and I still do, until they ask me to use their first names, which most folks will do. Then, I think first names are ok. I had to chuckle at the use of "Miss Sara and Miss Johanna" as that is how we often addressed adults as children.

In-laws - I think I would use Mr. & Mrs. until they asked otherwise. Then, possibly use mom and dad when and if the feeling leads :)

Sara - I am also annoyed when doctors call me by my first name - it puts me into an inferior child role which is NOT something I want with a doctor - unless perhaps if I get to know him and he/she has earned that relationship.

First names do imply and promote intimacy and that has to happen after some time I think.

I call my in-laws Mom and Pops and they seem to be fine with it, of course I've been around them for almost 22 years now. I started out calling them Mr. & Mrs., got more comfortable with them enough and they don't seem to mind it since I am the favorite daughter in law anyway. LOL (it's true)
As far as Dr's offices go, they call me by my first name most of the time because they are afraid of butchering my last name, which isn't that difficult to say, it's pronounced just like it's spelled.

Mrs. Sara and Ms. Johanna...you are too funny! :D

There's a small difference in what to call elders in my culture though. As a child, I was taught to call my mom's friends 'Auntie' and my dad's friends 'Uncle'. I guess these words are used because it just makes the relationship feel closer. I always called my teachers 'Mrs. (last name).' For me, being an adult doesn't give the priveledge to call people by their names...because as a child, I called people close to my age, or even 10 years older by their names. Its the same now. Its more a 'big age difference thing'. People in my age group, or people who are my friends, even if they are older, are called by their names...but my mom's close friends who are in their 40s/50s, and have known me since I was a baby are still 'aunties' to me, and will always be. If I were to meet a new person in their 40s/50s, I'd probably call them by their names, but in a close long-term family friend relationship, the 'respect word' is still there. I couldn't ever bring myself to call a 70 or 80 year old grandma by her name. That is just not very respectful, in my eyes. Until now, I have been fine with children calling me by my name, but once I become a mother, I know I would dislike the children of my friends, or the friends of my children calling me by my name. I wouldn't like being called Mrs. either. He he he.

My husband is like you, Karen. He has grown SO close to my parents over the past few months, but he still can't bring himself to call them anything. He greets them lovingly, sits and chats with them, but somehow, manages to avoid addressing them with a 'name'. My mom sometimes lovingly calls him "My son", and at that time, he responds by calling her 'his mom', but generally speaking, he has not yet started to call them anything. He gave them a gift and card a few months ago, and in the card, wrote, "To my dear mother-in-law and father-in-law". I guess this relationship is just hard to figure out! LOL!

To me, my MOM is the one who gave birth to me, and raised me. No one else. My DAD is the one who is my father, raised me, the one that I grew up with. No one else. Of course I do feel I should have a close relationship with my in-laws. They are the parents of the person I love the most in this world, so they should be close. Like my husband, I find myself confused on what to call them. I want an informal, yet respectful relationship with them. Mr. and Mrs. sounds too formal to me. Mom and Dad seems too strange to me. Aunt and Uncle doesn't fit into this relationship. They are my husband's parents...not my parents' friends. I'm just SO confused. I asked my husband what I should call them, and he laughed and told me that perhaps when he finally comes up with something to call MY parents, he could tell me. I wonder if I will end up like Karen...greeting them without calling them anything. Then...I wonder how we will ever develop a bond. He he he. Calling a relative something makes the relationship feel so much closer. I could ask them after developing a bit of a bond, but right now, I haven't even met them in person yet, so I don't know how to ask them. I guess we'll wait and see. My sister-in-law (husband's brother's wife) calls them 'Mom and Dad', but for me, calling someone ELSE Mom or Dad just doesn't feel right. Maybe things will change later on as we grow closer, but they are new to me right now, so it will take awhile to feel comfortable enough to call them something THAT close. :o

<raises her hand, shouting> I know! I know! How about Milly and Dilly or Filly? Get it? Mother in law, father or dad in law?

<sits back down, proud of having resolved the world's latest crisis> <grin>


Call me whatever you'd like! Just don't call me late for dinner!

Now, that is a Richard comment if there EVER was one, eh?

Maybe its a California thing but I don't know one single kid, and trust me I am around a lot of kids, anyway I don't know one kid that calls anyone mr or mrs so and so, unless of course it is a teacher, that is for sure mr or mrs/ms.

I think I would start out with the mr or mrs with the in laws and as the relationship progresses decide between all of you what feels best. Of course it may be something we can't type here :D

Johanna, I must agree with you. Of course, I also recognize that everyone has the right to have a different opinion (Sara......:) ) . I urge Helen's friends to call me by my first name. Perhaps it makes me feel a bit younger than my awful 43 years, but I also think it puts them at ease with me. Some of them insist on "Miss Logan" and that's fine. Unfortunately, many of them also still call me "Mrs. Givens", which is the name they knew me by for so many years. But that is not my name anymore and is still Helen's last name, so it gets quite confusing for all!

When I was growing up, my friend's parents were called by "Mr. or Mrs", but as I have gotten older, I've even changed, at their request, to try to call them by their first name. It's hard to change after all these years! LOL!!! I find myself saying "Miss Pat" or "Miss Helen" to my mom's friends and the parents of my friends.

I live in the south, where things are maybe a bit more formal, usually, but I have found that over the years, people have gotten more relaxed.

Even my daughter calls my parents by their first names. That is only because when she was a tiny thing, she talked very early, but could not spit out "Grandmother" or "Granddaddy" and we settled on "Betsy" and "Hugh", instead, thinking we would change it, eventually. But we never did and my mom always says that no one can say "Betsy" more sweetly than Helen! :)

PCB, I hope you figure it out. I still think that asking them directly is the best way to go!

Logan