okay here's a stupid one:
Why couldn't the kid get into the pirate movie?
It was rated R!
Hint:If this joke is so stupid that you don't get it, the 'R' is pirates say 'Ar Mateys!' get it? okay i will shut up now.
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okay here's a stupid one:
Why couldn't the kid get into the pirate movie?
It was rated R!
Hint:If this joke is so stupid that you don't get it, the 'R' is pirates say 'Ar Mateys!' get it? okay i will shut up now.
LOL! That is sorta stupid,but it`s funny too!Quote:
Originally posted by felinequine
okay here's a stupid one:
Why couldn't the kid get into the pirate movie?
It was rated R!
Hint:If this joke is so stupid that you don't get it, the 'R' is pirates say 'Ar Mateys!' get it? okay i will shut up now.
During his wedding rehearsal, the groom approached his pastor with an unusual offer. "I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows, and leave out the 'love, honor, obey, and forsake all others' part." He pressed a $100 bill in the pastor's hand and walked away with a satisfied smile.
On the day of the wedding, the groom was feeling pretty pleased when the pastor got to the part where the vows are exchanged.
The pastor looked him in the eye and asked, "Will you promise to bow before her, obey whatever command she gives, fulfill her every wish, serve her breakfast each morning, and swear before God that you'll not look at another woman as long as you both shall life?"
The groom gulped and looked astonished, but he finally said "Yes" in a tiny voice. He then leaned in toward the pastor and whispered, "I thought we had a deal!"
The pastor pressed the $100 bill back into his hand and whispered in return, "She made me a much better offer."
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'
The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,
'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'
The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!'.
LOL!! That`s funny!
Have you ever suspected that your cat may be from another planet?
Do you sometimes wake in the night to find your cat standing on top of you, peering into your face, as if poised to perform some diabolical extraterrestrial experiment?
When you feed your cat, does he or she look up at you skeptically as if to say, "My rations in the space pod were much better than this."
If so, your cat may be from outer space....
Many people live with cats from outer space. They may not realize it for years. Then one day, they're reading the Weekly World News and they notice that the pictured space aliens bear remarkable similarity to the moony-eyed, pot-bellied feline enigma crunched on their lap.
Reading further, they begin to suspect that their own cat may be involved in the alien abductions. They consider bringing it up with the cat, but fear that they themselves may end up rocketing across the galaxy on a spaceship full of cats, an empty bag of kibble stuffed in their mouth.
How to Tell If Your Cat Is from Outer Space:
If you suspect that your cat may be from another planet, ask yourself these questions:
Do you sometimes wake in the night to find your cat fighting with extraterrestrial beings from another dimension that no one but the cat can see?
Does your cat often simulate life in an anti-gravity environment by rolling on his back to look at you upside down, or stretch into peculiar ballet positions in your arms? Does your cat pretzel into strange sleeping postures that suggest she has undergone extensive astronaut training?
Does your cat try to communicate with extra terrestrials by meowing at the TV, sitting on short-wave radios, lying on the computer monitor, or in any way attempting to serve as an antenna for a piece of consumer electronics?
Does your cat stare at walls for hours as if receiving radio messages from the mother ship through the plasterboard?
Does your cat respond to the phrase "Beam me up!"
Does your cat respond to anything in Klingon?
Does your cat meticulously push the sand around in her litter box so that it looks crater-pocked like the lunar surface?
Does your cat's style of communicating with your computer seem more advanced than your own? For instance, does the cat sit on the monitor and look at it upside-down, or lay on the keyboard until the computer won't stop beeping?
Does your cat seem more intelligent than you are sometimes-- and superior to you as well?
If you've answered "yes" to any of the above, your cat may be a visitor on earth, sneakily gathering reconnaissance information to aid his race in their plan to conquer human civilization and blanket the earth with carpet-covered kitty condos. Whatever you do, don't give him directions to the carpet store.
What Cats from Outer Space Look Like:
Cats from outer space look very much like ordinary cats. They have four feet, a tail, whiskers, ears that swivel side to side to pick up sounds from deep space, and eyes that look at you as if they can't believe how dumb you are. In addition, they are remarkably adept at getting you to do things that you wouldn't ordinarily do: like pulling yourself out of bed at 3 a.m. to freshen the bowl of liver bits, or opening the back door a dozen times in less than an hour to let the cat in and out.
What to Feed Cats from Outer Space:
Nothing that you feed your cat from outer space will be as good as what they ate on their home planet--and they will remind you of this frequently. So don't even try to placate them.
Special Care Tips for Cats from Other Planets:
Remember that sometimes your cat will slip into an alternate universe in which he will confuse you for a giant spaceship vending machine--one that he needs merely to stand in front of meowing in order to elicit bowls of tuna and bits of cheese. Depending upon what corner of the galaxy your cat harkens from, he may confuse you for a robot instead--one that he must repeatedly trip in order to procure treats and transport from.
How Cats from Outer Space Differ from Cats Who've Been Abducted by Aliens:
Finally, you should not confuse cats from outer space with those who've been abducted by aliens. While the two kinds of cats are similar in many ways, cats who've been abducted by aliens like to run through the house crazily at night, jumping over furniture and scooting behind potted plants, re-enacting their escape from green men in saucer-shaped ships.
:rolleyes: ;) :D
I found this on a site and thought it was cute!
if you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your trouble
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things . . .
Then you are probably the family dog!
Here's something that my brother e-mailed me. This is the worlds worst belly button tattoo.
Garfield is funny!
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and
family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say
about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the
greates doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our
children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies,
"I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Driving home one day, I was going about 20 over the speed limit. Don't you just know that before long a police car was flashing red lights behind me. I'd had a few drinks, so I figured I would just outrun him by flooring the gas pedal. I hit 70, then 80, 90, 100 miles an hour. When the speedometer passed 110 and I still hadn't shaken him off, I decided to give up and pull over. The police officer got out of the cruiser and approached my car. Leaning down, he said, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day and I just want to get home. Give me a good enough excuse and I'll let you go."
Thinking quickly, I said, "Officer, two weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser following me, I thought you were that cop and that you were trying to catch up with me to give her back!"
Just got this today from my brother via e-mail.....
Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar?
They each got six months! :rolleyes:
LOL Pam, that's a good one! :D
Wedding Day Advice
Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says "Jack, let me tell you something. On our wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, here - try these on." So, she did and said, "these are to big. I can't wear them." So I replied, "exactly. I wear the pants in this family and always will. Ever since that night we've never had any problems".
'Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks over his father's advice for several days.
Then, on his honeymoon, Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here, try these on."
So she does and says, "These are too large, Jack. They don't fit me."
Jack says, "Exactly right. I wear the pants in this family, and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."
After that comment, Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says "Here you go try on mine."
So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants."
Jill says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."
:D :D :D LOL
Quattro
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them:
- "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
- "Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver.
- "Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
- "Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry persons."
- "You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian custom agent.
"Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you are therefore breaking the law."
The German driver replies angrily, - "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz mor intelligence!"
- "Sorry", responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno
Highway Juggling
One day a Georgia State patrolman pulled a car over for speeding
about 20 miles from the Florida line on I-95. When the officer asked
the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a
magician and juggler and was on his way to Jacksonville to do a show
that night and didn't want to be late.
The patrolman told the driver that he was fascinated by juggling and
if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't
give him a ticket.
The juggler told him that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead
and didn't have anything to juggle.
The patrolman told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his
car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got three flares and lit
them, and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind the
patrol car and a drunk got out and looked at the show, and then went
to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in.
The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the
door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "Just go on and take me to jail.....there's no way
in the world that I can pass that test."
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 loan and The interest, which comes to $25.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $25.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
LOL :D :D :D :D
tee he!
amber - rotfl !!!!:D :D
lynne
Got this in an e-mail tonight. :)
The Mood Ring ===
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.
This guy was lonely and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So, he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box for a house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided he would start by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So the man asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. The man waited a few minutes and,
desperate for a response, he asked the centipede again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a
few minutes more. The man decided to ask the centipede one more time, this time pressing his face against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?" Finally, came a little voice from inside the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"
Dead Rabbit
A man is driving along a highway
and sees a rabbit jump out across
the middle of the road. He swerves
to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately
the little rabbit jumps right in front
of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well
as an animal lover, pulls over and
gets out to see what has become of
the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is
dead. The driver feels so awful that
he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving
down the highway sees the man
crying on the side of a road and
pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks
him what's wrong. "I feel terrible,"
he explains, "I accidentally hit this
rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She
runs to her car and pulls out a spray
can. She walks over to the limp,
dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays
the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw
at the two of them and hops off down
the road. Ten feet away the rabbit
stops, turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10
feet, turns and waves, hops another
ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats
this again and again and again, until
he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over
to the woman and demands, "What is
in that can? What did you spray on
that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so
the man can read the label. It says:
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(This is bad!)
(You know you could just click off
and not read the punch line.)
(You know you're gonna be sorry.)
(Last chance.)
(OK, here it is.)
It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to
dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
A baboon walks into a bar, and orders a milkshake. The bartender stops cleaning the counter, and stares.
The baboon repeats the order and hands him a ten dollar bill, so the bartender slyly hands the baboon his milkshake.
While the baboon drank his milkshake, the bartender was thinking, "What would a baboon know of money?" So, when the baboon finished, the bartender handed the baboon one dollar change, thinking the baboon wouldn't know better, and pass this by.
So as to make small talk, the bartender said, "We don't get many baboons in here...", to which the baboon said, "Well, at nine dollars a milkshake, it's not surprising!"
I just got to read the mood ring one, what a riot. Ha!
A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition." In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction." Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication." Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"
AmberLee, that's a good one! http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/...ns/bounce2.gif
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years on trouble-free service, except that you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver.
Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE!
YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD IS ALSO FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT?
AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT???
WE MIGHT JUST AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they're arguing. Finally a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not the function is exponential is not known.
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
Application to joinna MAFFIA
============================
Whatza Yu Name_____________________ Are Yu Italia or A Foreigner __________
Whatza Yu Hows Numbero_____________ Onna What Streete______________________
Whatza Yu Bagst Hittaman___________ Lonna Collectoor_______________________
Prostitutti________________________
Whatta Yu Doin Wher Yu Now Wurkka_______________ Anything Onna Side______
Wazzauy Evva Inna Beeg Hows________ Iffa so, For Wad Were Yu Nailed________
Shotta Somwan_____ Keednap Somwan_____ Stickem Uppa_____
Yu Wanna Be A Bigga Shotz Sumdaze____ Yu Wanna Stay Inna Banks_______________
Yu Likka Garlic____ Pizza____ Spagetti____ Girls____
Yu No How To Makka Cement Shoes____ Overcoats___ People Disappeer_______
What Kinda Car Yu Drive: Caddy____ Buik____ Linken____ Stolen____
Did Yu See: "The Godfather"____ Da Movie Or Da Reel Tinga____
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We gonna vote on yu application. If yu don pass, boy yu betta forgett da
application. Yu pass, yu gonna get dese thins and yu gonna lik em:
1 Pair dark glasses 1 blach shirt anna white tie
1 Paie cement shuz (Use later, yy foola round) 1 Pair pointie toe shoes
1 8x10 foto Frank Sinatra 1 blach hat wit a wida brim
1 kiss onna moutha (I kissa onna cheeck later if yu foola round)
Doan call us. We gonna calla yu if yu passa da tests. Givva tree names peeple
whata gonna say "Heesa okay":
1.________________ 2.___________________ 3._________________
Sine yu name an two aliases: ________________________________________________
----------------- DONA WRITE NUTTIN BELOW DISSA LINE -----------------------
Family Action:
Okay, givva him/her a try___________ Letta him/her go wit a warning________
Letta him/her go wit a brokken arm___________ Hitta him/her_________________
______________________ __________________________
Okay By Da Boss Okay By Da Bigga Boss
Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
LOL :D :D :D
LOL!!:D
The story is told of a king in Africa who had a close friend with whom he grew up. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, "This is good!"
One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation, the friend remarked as usual, "This is good!"
To which the king replied, "No, this is not good!" and proceeded to send his friend to jail.
About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took him to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake.
As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone who was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way.
As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend.
"You were right," he said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off." And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. "And so, I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this."
"No," his friend replied, "This is good!"
"What do you mean, 'This is good'? How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year?"
"If I had not been in jail, I would have been with you."
:D
LOL Good joke AmberLee.:D :D
Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries and troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "That's very kind of you, darling. But I don't have any worries or troubles."
Girl: "Oh, that's just because we aren't married yet."
>^..^< >^..^< >^..^< >^..^< >^..^< >^..^<
Thank you. It seems like I've stumbled into several cute jokes recently and I'm glad to be able to share them.
:D
LOL LOL, another good one AmberLee!:D