:D
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:D
Heh heh :D :D
well, what is it then? :confused: ;)
The bed one hit the nail on the head! How true! Do any of us get sufficient sleep here? :D
Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House ..... continued
9. Doors
To get a door opened, stand on your hind legs and hammer it with your forepaws and/or yowl. Once the door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Protest if the human uses a foot to "encourage" you to leave.
If a human goes into a room, especially the bathroom, and closes the door to exclude a cat, meow pathetically and try to stick your paws under the door to open it. If the human relents, lets you in and then closes the door, immediately demand to be let out. If the human lets you out and closes the door, immediately demand to be let in again. This is especially fun when it's the bathroom and there are guests. This game can be played until the human wises up and hoses you with a squirt gun. Scuttle out of range and wash yourself, to pretend that the assault on your Dignity didn't happen.
Sometimes doors can be opened by cats without the aid of humans. Such doors must be kept open for the cat(s) to investigate within at any time. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs; their nickname "Tail-Biter" tells it all.
If a door that is usually kept closed, such as a closet door, is opened, you must immediately rush in to investigate to see if anything has changed since the last time you were in there. Resist the human's attempts to remove you before you have completed your investigation. Protest loudly when the human removes you anyways.
Will continue tomorrow! :D
Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House ..... continued
10.1 Waking Them Up
It is not known why humans like to sleep when it gets dark, just when the day is young and the masters of the house are fresh and ready for play. It is known, however, that sleeping humans are boring to be around and that they occasionally must be roused to attend to our needs, such as to get fresh food or water or to retrieve a toy that was batted under the sofa. Almost all of them strongly dislike being dragged out of bed in their so-called "wee hours". Some will even pretend to be asleep even when we know they're not, hoping we'll give up and go away. Persistence is the key to success in any case.
One effective method of rejuvenating a dormant human is the "direct approach", namely jumping on the bed and doing one or more of the following: trampling, licking and/or nibbling any exposed parts, purring, meowing, head-butting, light taps on the eyes, or playing "Catch Mouse" or "King of the Hill". This may only result in your being ejected from the bed, but at least you now have the human's attention.
If the human is being stubborn, you may have to resort to more drastic tactics, such as ripping down posters, rattling blinds, knocking over and looting a wastebasket, knocking items off the dresser, singing at the top of your voice, or even curling up on the human's head (often the only visible part). As well as being warm, in this way you will be aware of any movement made by the human, probably even before he is aware of it. You will be unlikely to wait for long. Another effective tactic is to jump, walk or knead on the human's abdomen, where the bladder is located. If the human hasn't been to the Big White Drinking Bowl during the night you can be sure of a rapid response. Eventually the human will get up and do what you want, usually employing some bad language while doing so.
Warning: It is not advised to do this on a regular basis. It will very likely result in your being "banished" from and denied access to the bedroom altogether, in which case it becomes much more difficult to get them to respond to your wishes. Thumping the door or yowling may be initially effective, but will likely result in being further banished to the basement or even the kitty carrier! Discretion is thus strongly recommended.
Of course, if the human gets up on his own in the wee hours to go to the bathroom, you are free to get him to do your bidding while he is too sleepy to put up much resistance.
.... continues tomorrow :D
Judy walked into her final exam very nervous. But when she received the test, she was relieved to find out that it was a 'True or False' exam. She immediately reached into her purse and pulled out a coin. Each time she flipped the coin, she would write down an answer.
"What are you doing?," the professor asked her.
"I'm figuring out the answers," Judy replied. To this, the professor just rolled his eyes and looked away.
When she was done, the professor announced that there were five minutes left to go. "Oh my God!" she said in an excited voice, and started to flip the coin as fast as possible.
"My goodness," the professor said, giving her strange look. "What on Earth are you doing now?"
"What do you think?" Judy replied. "I'm checking my answers!"
Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House ..... continued
10.2 Mornings
In order to provide and care for you, the humans must leave the domain every morning (usually before you take your first cat nap). To help them on their way, either yowl loudly, massage their scalps with your claws, gently bounce on top of them in bed, knead their chests, purr, and/or drool on them. See also "Waking Them Up". The best time to do this is about 24 minutes before their clock begins to blare or ring. We must protect them from the noise because it could ruin their sense of hearing.
.... continues tomorrow! :D
Randi,
I LOVE these!! I haven't checked this thread in a while and got to read them all at once!!! So funny!! Did my cats help you write these??
hee hee
Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House ..... continued
10.3 Guests
a) Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that lap. If you can arrange for particularly bad "tuna breath", so much the better.
b) For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white-furred cats go to black wool clothing. Note: Velvet takes precedence over all other cloth.
c) For the guest who exclaims, "I love kitties!", be ready with aloof disdain, apply claws to stockings or arms, or use a quick nip on the ankle.
d) When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to force your humans to reveal that they tolerate this behavior when company is not there.
e) Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything, just sit and stare.
10.4 Laps
Undoubtedly the best way to get attention from a human is to jump in his/her lap and purr. Few humans can resist because it makes them think you like them (which may even be true!). Ear scratches, belly rubs, back stroking: all these and more can be yours. Some cats like this treatment a little TOO much and acquire the silly name "Lap Fungus". Lap sessions also provide golden opportunities for shedding; be sure to take advantage of clothes which contrast with your fur (see also "Guests"). Unfortunately, humans have the annoying tendency to want to get up to do their mundane activities, like answering the thing that rings or going to the Big White Drinking Bowl. Protest this disturbance with accusing looks and plaintive meows. Some laps may require "softening up" with a little kneading; just be sure not to use the claws or you may have an unexpected flying lesson!
..... continues tomorrow! :D
At McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could
have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked
for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets", said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve" was the reply. "So I can't
order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago:
I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items
and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.
I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked
up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could
scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know
how much this is?" and I said to her "I've changed my mind, I
don't think I'll buy that today". She said "OK" and I paid for
the things and left.
She had no clue as to what had just happened.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy
drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet
and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift.
One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said,
"I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank"copies. :rolleyes:
DOG LETTERS TO GOD
Dear God,
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one another?
Where are their priorities?
> > > >
Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
> > > >
Dear God,
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!
> > > >
Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
> > > >
Dear God,
Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?
> > > >
Dear God,
If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?
> > > >
Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
> > > >
Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
> > > >
Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths.
What do humans understand?
> > > >
Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!
> > > >
Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
> > > >
Dear God,
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets thing, again?
> > > >
Dear God,
Can you undo what that doctor did ... ?
> > > >
CAT LETTER TO GOD
> > > >
Dear God,
Do you exist? I'm just curious. I don't care.
[QUOTE]Originally posted by pupper-lover
[B]DOG LETTERS TO GOD
Those are so sweet!
A creative writing class was given the assignment of writing a short essay including these four elements.
RELIGION
ROYALTY
SEX
MYSTERY
The prize winning entry read.............
'MY GOD," SAID THE QUEEN, "I AM PREGNANT,
I WONDER WHO DID IT!"
Today's Garfield is cute :D
HA!! HA!!
FUNNY STUFF EVERYBODY!!!
Ohhh, I nearly forgot! :o
Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House ..... continued
10.5 Confusing Them
Humans (for the most part) love order and predictability. They especially like their pets to be predictable. So if you are in the mood to indulge in a little low-risk mischief, behaving irrationally is an excellent option. The usual method is to simply tear around the house at top speed talking to yourself and perhaps launching a frenzied attack on an unsuspecting toy. If there are two or more cats in the household, you can take turns chasing and wrestling with each other. This is usually good for a shake of the head from the human, along with "Crazy cat(s)" muttered under his/her breath.
Another way to baffle the humans is to interrupt your passage across a carpet (at whatever velocity) with a sudden vertical leap into the air. Then continue on as if nothing had happened. If you're skilled enough, you may be able to convince the human(s) that there are "rug worms" in the house. A third way, which isn't quite as fun as the others but which tends to get better reactions from the humans, is to stare fixedly at a blank wall, turned-off TV, corner of the room, or whatever, and pretend to carry on a conversation with another cat. The humans, who may already be convinced that you're from outer space, will think you're talking to your friends, the "Jupiter People". If they start talking about mailing you to Mars, it's a good idea to lay off this prank for a while.
..... continues tomorrow! :D
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a weathered brass lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared!
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope...sorry! Due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want all these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! Those countries have been at war for thousands of years. I may be good, but I'm not THAT good! I don't think it can be done, even by me. You better make another wish."
The woman thought for a minute and then said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one who's considerate and fun, likes to cook, helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed, gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time and is faithful. That's my wish, a good mate!"
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map again!"
1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss--and you will get caught--your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.
3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing--they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's to way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour. That way, you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you.
The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full"--a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.
Ugh
:D :D :D
Hanging in there :D
Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House ..... continued
10.6 Organization
Let's face it, humans are a disorganized lot. They need constant supervision in order to get things done right and on time, such as feeding their masters, retrieving lost toys, etc. Humans also need assistance in keeping their masters' home organized. They have to be continually reminded that things belong on the floor, not on shelves, bookcases, tables or dressers where accessing them may be inconvenient for their masters. It will be up to you to keep your household properly organized. Feel free to take items such as pens, buttons, waste paper (such as the stuff they call "tax return"), and unsuitable toys and relocate them to better spots, such as the water bowl, under the stove, or down the hot-air ducts (humans are always grateful if you do this with tax returns). This should be done when the humans aren't around, as they will always interfere. When the human discovers your handiwork, he will praise you with such sayings as "Stupid cat!" and "You little monster!" At this point, you should say "You're welcome!" with purring and rubbing against his/her legs.
continues tomorrow! :D
Redneck humour
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad.
Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: Wo
Atomic Weight: Don't even go there!!
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time.
Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth.
Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: Xy
Atomic Weight: 180 +/- 50
Physical Properties: Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find pure sample.
Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself.
Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element: child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
A joke as told to me by my 4 year old niece.
Q. How do you make a tissue dance?
A. You put a little boogie in it.
I thought that it was precious.
Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House ..... continued
11. Vets And Medicine
The vet is the person to whom your human will take you when you are sick. The place smells funny, there are usually other cats and dogs in the waiting room, and awful things like needles and pill prescriptions will happen there. The usual result is that you will get better, which is good, but you just can't let those humans cathandle you. The following are some tips for dealing with vets and medicine.
a) Unless you are really sick, when you see the carrier come out, run and hide somewhere inaccessible, such as under the bed or behind a couch. Once the human finally grabs you, struggle gamely. Splay your legs out so that it is difficult to cram you into the carrier. If the human is trying to put you in with another pet, try to allow the other pet to bolt out the door. In the car, meow plaintively all the way down to the vet's. If possible, reach through the bars of the portable prison and try to claw the human as s/he drives. At the vet's, splay your legs and brace yourself against the carrier's walls if you can so that they can't dump you out easily.
b) If you are well enough, you must resist attempts to feed you pills or any liquid medicine. As soon as you hear the pill bottle rattle, hide as in part a). Resist attempts to open your mouth. Squirming is good. Once the medicine is in, try to spit it out, preferably by shaking your head vigorously. If the humans manage to get the pill into to your mouth and are still holding you waiting for you to spit it out, swallow, but keep the pill in your mouth. Then after being let go, find a suitable hiding place and spit it out. Make sure that the humans do not find the hiding place, so they think that you took the pill. Don't use the same hiding place twice. Refuse any food that looks or smells like it may have had medicine sprinkled on it. Unfortunately, humans can be really unfair and put it in tuna. In this case, accept grudgingly. Look aggrieved after the medicine session is over.
..... continues tomorrow! :D
Genre: Marriage Jokes
At the gates to heaven a new arrival, George noted that there were two paths, one marked Women, and one marked Men. He took the later path and found that it lead to two gates.
The gate on the right had a sign that said: Men who were dominated by their Wives. The sign on the left read: Men who dominated their Wives. The right-hand gate had a long line of men waiting, but there was only one scrawny little fellow at the left-hand gate.
George, before deciding which gate to go to, went over to the scrawny man and asked,
“Why are you at this gate?” the little fellow replied, “I don’t know. My wife just told me
to stand here.”
Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House ..... continued
12. Illness
a) If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.
b) When you get sick in the house, you should hover around the general area until a human spots the mess. You should act as if you are guarding the stuff for the human and then quickly vacate the room.
c) If taken outside, you should take every opportunity to scarf down as much grass as possible (while not being spotted). After ingesting a "critical mass" amount, whine and scratch at the door to be let back in the house. After entering the house head for the traditional illness locations and let it rip.
d) If the urge strikes at night when your human is asleep, you can retch as loudly as possible so that the human will wake up. That failing, choose a location where the human's bare foot is likely to find it. They don't see very well in the morning and need assistance in locating the mess. If the human has neglected you by leaving (see Mornings), cover the fruits of your labours with whatever is handy, such as papers from the desk. That way you can soil another object besides the carpet.
Continues tomorrow! :D
Great Garfield comic strip. http://www.gifs.net/animate/a-garfb.gif LOL http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/lol4.gif
Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House ..... continued
13. Cat "Clubs"
When a group of humans who share a similar interest get together on a regular basis, it is often called a "club". Needless to say, cats thought of the idea first, and some of the cleverer humans have discovered that we have our own. Listed below are the ones that the humans have identified, along with their names for the clubs; for security reasons (in case this document falls into the hands of a human) the ones they haven't identified have not been listed. As with humans, cats are not restricted to membership in one club and may belong to many.
a) The "Lap Fungus" Club
Members of this club specialize in enslaving humans for the purpose of sleeping on their laps. As soon as a human is seated, his/her lap becomes available and should be occupied at once, after which time the cat can get as much attention as s/he wants. See also Laps. Club motto: "Sit down and I'll be your friend."
b) The "Chatterbox" Club
Members of this club love to talk to their humans, giving advice and/or criticism on practically anything they do. They are convinced that given enough time, they will be able to teach even the densest human how to take verbal commands. Club motto: "What do you mean, shut up?"
c) The "Garbage Truck" Club
Members of this club firmly believe that human food is God's gift to cats and that the kitchen and/or dining room are the centre of the universe. Anything that falls onto the floor is to be eaten immediately, and if the cat can contrive to encourage the human to share voluntarily, so much the better. Hopping onto the counter to clean the plates or getting into the garbage can to check for leftovers are both considered acceptable, and the Master Garbage Truck is the one who can do this without getting squirted or otherwise "punished" by the humans. Club motto: "I'll help you clean that!"
d,e,f follows tomorrow :D
LOL@the Prozac pic!