joke thread

The Top 9 Signs You're Spoiling Your Pet


9> The goldfish have limo service from their castle to their
sunken treasure.

8> You hire a Kitty Groomer? No problem.
Kitty Psychiatrist? Getting warmer.
Kitty Fluffer? Bingo.

7> Once a week, instead of plain ol' fish food sprinkled into the
tank, you treat them to a tablespoon of bacon grease.

6> Your cat is always nice to you.

5> You call in sick when she's asleep on your feet in the morning.

4> He refuses to mount the breeding bitch you bring in until you
warm her up for him.

3> You send him to a private obedience school. In Switzerland.

2> Begging at the dinner table is downright weird for a hamster.

and the Number 1 Sign You're Spoiling Your Pet...

1> You slam three pots of coffee every night because your cat
likes to sleep on a vibrating bed.

Talk to the paw
The Top 10 Cat Proverbs


10. Do unto others whatever the hell you want to.

9. The world is your litter box.

8. Always put off until tomorrow anything that interferes with
a nap.

7. Look before you lick.

6. Pride goeth before ... you've got to be friggin' kidding me!

5. You scratch my back.

4. Strike while the feet are bare.

3. When in doubt, wash.

2. If at first you don't succeed, act like you intended to fail.


and the Number 1 Cat Proverb...


1. The way to your owner's heart is through their ankles when
they least expect it.

9. The Beagle of Happiness will sniff with delight at your butt.

8. Someone thinks you're the special.

7. The hand that throws the ball does not always let go of
the ball.

6. The lowly cricket is both good tasting and less filling.

5. Nine lives only useful if one is Cat or Buddhist.

4. The path to true enlightenment is at the end of your tail.

3. Marking territory should be your Number One priority.

2. Loose lips lose bones.


and the Number 1 Fortune Cookie Fortune for Pets...


1. A journey of a thousand miles begins with being put
in a crate.

:D :D :D ROTFLOL!!! These are CLASSIC! :D

Quote:

---

Originally posted by wolf_Q
I've read a lot of these jokes but not all of them so sorry if I post something that's already been posted...

This one cracked me up. :D

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F
are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood for...
It is about time you became informed!

{A} - Almost Boobs...

{B} - Barely there.

{C} - Can't Complain!

{D} - Damn!

{DD} - Double Damn!

{E} - Enormous!

{F} - Fake.

---

haha funny I love it!

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.

There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: WW WA PP ATR.

Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.

He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!!

So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.

"Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"

So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.

"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off... confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened.

He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.

The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."

Young Lucas was so much in love with Lisa ; but as he knew her father was rather oldfashioned , he went to talk to him and ask permission to court his daughter ;
- "Mister Fairchild , I am proud to ask the hand of your daughter Lisa !"
- "What?" , shouted the man , "are you nuts" ???
- "May I politely ask what makes you say that, sir ??"
- "My daughter's hand , my daughter's hand ....:rolleyes: , if you want her , you will have two take the whole package : it's all or nothing !!!":rolleyes: :rolleyes: :D

Quote:

---

Originally posted by apcrs5122
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility.

---

woohoo , I was laughing for hours .... GOOD ONE !!

And , WELCOME TO PETTALK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:D

this is cute

holy...:eek:

bad hairday? :D

:D :D

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
===============================

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. -- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. -- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. -- Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8


And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman gave birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the 65 year-old mother, "Soon."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"Not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"

"WHEN IT CRIES," she told them.

"WHEN IT CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES??"

"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put it..."